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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DS to be drinking?

42 replies

copurcha · 08/07/2021 12:45

DS is 15. He sees his dad EOW. He asked me yesterday if he could have a can of cider, I said no one he said that his dad lets him. He only turned 15 last weekend!

Aibu for not wanting him to be drinking or is it none of my business what he does at his dads?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2021 13:48

What he does at dads is up to dad, really, and it's normal to gave different rules at different houses.

For me it would be when and where and why with alcohol at that age. With their evening meal as I might have a glass of wine, or with a movie/football match with me, fine.

Lunchtime or straight from school or if he spends all day long tucked in his room nursing cider, no I wouldnt like that or allow it.

redastherose · 08/07/2021 13:50

If you make it forbidden kids/teenagers want to do it much more. You can foster a healthier attitude to alcohol by allowing sensible consumption in your presence, so a single can of cider with dinner or watching the football is fine IMHO. When he is 18 and goes out with his mates he's much less likely to get out of his tree on alcohol simply because he's not used to it.

Bettyboopawoop · 08/07/2021 13:54

With teens and young adults sometimes the more you say no the more they go behind your back and do it anyway, I would let him have one or two at the very most, he's less likely to go out and get totally steaming behind your back.

Dontdripme · 08/07/2021 13:55

Most teens do it.

SMabbutt · 08/07/2021 13:57

Yo could allow a small drink but make him have to consider what he's choosing. Take the glamour out of it. Not an approach for every family but as mine got in to their mid teens we allowed alcohol, initially with a meal, but we also encouraged them to develop some discernment. So if we had wine with a meal we would often have more than 1 bottle because my taste is different to my dh. We would offer a taste of each and ask which they liked the taste of better and why. Then they could choose to have a small amount with dinner. Same with different beers and lager as they got older. Alcohol became no different to any other drink in terms of wanting it. It didn't take long before they would turn down a drink on the basis they didn't really enjoy the taste of a particular type of wine or beer. By the time my oldest was 16 and his mates went to get drunk in a park to celebrate the end of school he didn't see alcohol as any big deal and ended up taking care of a friend who got totally smashed. None of them have ever been crazy drinkers, although they have hot a bit squiffy a few times when sleeping over at mates house, and 1is virtually teetotal because he doesn't like the taste of most drinks.

OliveToboogie · 08/07/2021 14:03

I am in recovery from Alcoholism been sober for 4 years. My two children have seen the damage alcohol can cause. However since they were 15 I allowed my son and daughter small quantities of alcohol at weekends. My daughter is now 23 and very rarely drinks. My son is 17 and has never been drunk. It a personal choice as a parent what you do. I didn't want alcohol to be a big taboo for them. We live in Glasgow where drinking is very much part of the culture but my kids have a very healthy attitude towards it.

Goatinthegarden · 08/07/2021 14:03

Anecdotally, alcohol was allowed in my family on special occasions from very young. From about 8, if a bottle of champagne or wine was opened for celebratory reasons (I.e. big birthday etc.) then I was allowed a Sherry glass to join in.

My parents were very strict about where we went until we were 16 and then my twin and I were allowed to go to the pub with friends. She gave us the money for a drink each and a taxi (home by 11). My friends and I still pushed boundaries from time to time and occasionally drank too much, but we learned to drink in a controlled way and my parents always knew where we were (although we never got so bad we needed to be rescued).

My best friend’s mother was very strict and she wasn’t allowed to join us in the pub. When she left home for uni at 18, she went off the chart with the alcohol and ended up paralytic regularly, with more than one trip to A&E (which her parents never found out about).

This obviously isn’t a scientific study, but I think if you tolerate and allow behaviours, your teens will be more open with you and hopefully safer.

sashh · 08/07/2021 14:08

Oh naff off! He's 15, not 5.

And if he were 5 it would still be legal.

Remaker · 08/07/2021 14:10

Stick to your guns OP. There is no safe level of drinking for a teenager so don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. As for the claims that somehow you’ll be helping him be a “good” drinker, I have no words.

Unfortunately you can’t change what your ex does but you don’t have to emulate him.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/07/2021 14:16

I seldom drink and don't get the after school white wine casual alcoholism 🤷‍♀️

I was always allowed a sip of beer, wine or champagne on special occasions.
my mum loves eggnog at Christmas so we'd have a small spoonfool every year. yum

we've always let our kids do the same and never had any issues apart from the one time when DS2 aged 2 necked an entire glass of wine we didn't realise was left in the garden🙈

the oldest 2 are turning 20 & 18 this month, they've been merry but never drunk to the point of puking.
16.5 yo has 1-2 cans of cider when meeting with friends once a week (he's slim so knows that's his limit) since the end of GSCEs
14 yo hates alcohol

the younger ones have the occasional sip.
I think we got it right so far

LakeShoreD · 08/07/2021 14:23

You don’t have to allow it at your house if you don’t want to but it’s not illegal and his dad is equally entitled to parent how he sees fit. The responses here seem about 50:50 which should tell you that neither your stance or his dads are anything abnormal. I’d stick with my house, my rules.

CJsGoldfish · 08/07/2021 14:27

I wouldn't like it OP and I wouldn't allow it in my home.

I don't subscribe to the "every teen does it/has to do it" justification. The normalisation of alcohol for children is lazy, dangerous and indicative of so many other things that there is no point raising. Too many pro drinkers on MN

Twelvetimestwo · 08/07/2021 15:00

@CJsGoldfish

I wouldn't like it OP and I wouldn't allow it in my home.

I don't subscribe to the "every teen does it/has to do it" justification. The normalisation of alcohol for children is lazy, dangerous and indicative of so many other things that there is no point raising. Too many pro drinkers on MN

I agree with this.

Alcohol is so normalised in our society. After reading a few books on the subject, my eyes are open and can see it for what it is - a drug.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/07/2021 15:05

@Twelvetimestwo

so you needed a book to read to figure that out?
is the next volume about whether bears shit in the woods?

Twelvetimestwo · 08/07/2021 15:06

[quote ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]@Twelvetimestwo

so you needed a book to read to figure that out?
is the next volume about whether bears shit in the woods?[/quote]
Urgh. Obviously not. More nuanced than you're making out.

Alcohol is sold to us as life enhancing, but it's not. It's literally poison.

CatsArePeople · 08/07/2021 15:21

Just because your ex allows him a can, doesn't mean you need to do the same. Your house - your rules.
And regardless if you allow or ban alcohol, he will experiment with it sooner or later.

Drovememad · 08/07/2021 20:04

He should not be drinking & his father should not be giving alcohol to a 15 yr old.

🙄

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