To just want him to think about dinner?

[NeedingAGoodNap]

My partner and I have a 11 month old dd. She basically eats the same meals as us. For some reason, all meal planning and the vast majority of the cooking has become my responsibility and honesty I’m sick of it! I work part time and need a hand.

Even if he does cook, he wants me to decide what we are having and then it’s question after question (“how do I chop the carrots for dd”,”how do I make an omelette”) . I then get frustrated as I spend so much time teaching and he never actually learns because he will ask the same questions next time.

His excuse is that no one ever taught him how to cook. I think it is his responsibility to educate himself and that most people learn from trial and error. AIBU in thinking basic cooking and meal planning isn’t hard and he should be able to help?

YANBU!

Following a recipe is easy and if he's not sure how to do something there are websites with step by step instructions for the most basic things, not mention thousands of tutorials on youtube he could watch.

I taught myself to cook as a teenager using recipe books and watching cooking programs on TV so I know it's not hard! My DH didn't know anything when we moved in together and I would get frustrated trying to teach him because he always made it seem like it was too difficult for him to learn, endless silly questions etc., so now I just make him get on with it, he has to plan, prep and cook 3 meals a week and he's not allowed to ask me anything about how to do it unless google isn't giving him a clear answer.

It's just like a lot of life/household tasks men claim they can't do and expect their mothers and then their wives to do it for them.

How unattractive. Can you make yourself scarce when he’s cooking and disappear for a walk or a bath?

If he’s literate he can read recipes. If he’s not he can watch YouTube tutorials.

Don’t pander to this bullshit. It’s his job to feed his child as much as it’s yours.

YANBU, I fell into this trap years ago & it's hard to get out of. I followed dsis' example that men were helpless & hopeless & women had to do everything. I was young & wanted to do things 'right'. This was not right.
He's displaying learned helplessness in the hope you'll give up & take over!
Don't.

I always think if you can read a book you can cook something, but you have my sympathy OP my husbands is exactly the same.

@Killing and @AnneLovesGilbert both of these ideas sound great - make him plan and cook a meal whilst I go for a walk! Actually have some time for myself then

My DH is similar. You have two options:

1. Assume all responsibility for meal planning, cooking and shopping - it is obviously not his strength - but then get your DH to take on responsibility for something else so that you don’t end up lumbered with all the chores and donkey work

1. Refuse to help and get him to sort it out himself. Don’t answer questions, tell him to Google it. Better still, don’t be around when he is cooking - take Dd out for a walk or in the garden etc.

I tried option 2 for several years but it created arguments - he couldn’t see why I was unwilling to help him and I didn’t understand why a seemingly intelligent man found it so hard to decide whether we were having fish or chicken and to bung it in the oven. I now do option 1 and everyone is much happier. I extend this to other chores now - it’s much easier if you have a list of what you’re each responsible for and then don’t get involved at all in the other person’s jobs than if you try to share responsibility for lots of things (which is also quite inefficient as you need to keep having conversations and going backwards and forwards about things)

I feel your frustration op. My husband can be like this. I always have to be the planner and it's exhausting! He says the same thing, that noone taught him to cook but then nobody taught me either and I learned myself through trial and error.
In his defense,he can hear things in an oven but just once, I'd love a delicious home cooked meal made for me without me having to guide him through every step.

We have done the same as a previous poster and I do the bulk of the cooking in exchange for other chores. Eg, I never empty a bin in the house or deal with the recycling. 🤷‍♀️

Oh I could have written this op! We cook together often.....so I plan, tell him the ingredients organise pans etc then check the chicken/ etc as he doesnt know ifs its cooked!!

You're not unreasonable. Anyone can learn to cook basic stuff and most of us teach ourselves.

I think he probably doesn't want to. However, press on regardless, he'll get the hang of it eventually and may even enjoy it eventually.

Nobody taught me how to cook, and I regularly forget the basics because I don’t do it very often - but as I can read, I Google the instructions…

His time is not more valuable than yours, please stop wasting it on his fake inability - would he starve to death of no one was there to cook for/ answer him?
Of course not, but he clearly believes he shouldn’t waste his precious time thinking about something he doesn’t care about

Men who choose (and it is a choice) to behave like this make me very angry

I didn't cook proper meals, yes I opened a can or a packet, (Vesta)!
But then I had to cook for family every day.
Cooking is just another 'learned skill', everyone can do it to an acceptable level.

Firstly we have to convince ourselves that it becomes our responsibility for getting a wholesome meal in front of the family.

It's fucking boring isn't it? I don't know the answer I'm afraid. Dh does a lot around the house as he should, but the relentless thinking about what we'll eat drives me mad. It actually puts me off food and I love food!

We were in the same position. Found using hello fresh or similar (we cycle round the deals) really helped, as there’s pictures & videos on the app. But mostly it falls to me, and as pp said, I’ve made my peace with that, but he has sole responsibility for bins etc.

Its not rocket science. There are SO MANY tv shows, youtube channels, apps, books that there is simply no excuse.

At one point I got so wound up I ended up screaming I AM NOT A FUCKING RECIPE BOOK. Other ways of communicating are available such as

• I dont know.
• what does it say in the recipe
• what would you do if I wasnt here?
• same as it was the last time you asked

You have to bat it back every single time.

In lockdown my dad was at home (just retired) and my mum went to work every day (veryppart time nurse went basically full time), so he has taken over most of the cooking and food shopping. It started with her selecting recipes and making detailed shopping lists, but he graduated to hello fresh for ideas and now does it himself.

Just respond with 'Google it' every single time. I'm sure there are thousands of videos and tutorials on how to make an omelette on the net. I will never understand these men.

DH and I split chores, for instance I do all laundry, he does all house maintenance, vacuuming, and bins, but we share cooking. I think this is because it is such a daily grind. EVERY SINGLE DAY someone has to come up with something to eat! Even laundry is only 2-3 loads a week in this house.

I tend to do baked potatoes / pasta / bung something under the grill. I put as little thought and effort in as possible. The results are boring but edible. DH knows to be grateful and not complain.

Maybe just don't answer his questions, make yourself scarce, but be sure to say thanks and give praise for the results (like training a child with praise).
Have a strict rota so you both know in advance who will be getting the meal each day, then leave his days entirely up to him to do whatever he can manage.

honestly locked into a similar argument right now with my DP. I've been away all weekend, when i got back i cleaned and cooked. next day, pots still all over the kitchen, and I'm being asked what's in the cupboard and what there is to eat for dinner.
It's soul destroying and embarrassing, that I'm in this position in 2021. I've gone on strike. There are two adults in this house and BOTH of us work full time, so why the f*ck would I have any more clue than him as to what we have in our cupboards or to eat for tea.
Wow. I am mad about this still!

Never help him and give him the whole job. Also it's his meal so his choice. He chooses the dish and purchases it and cooks it and cleans up. None of this is your problem. If he wants to buy a ready lasagne and some prewashed salad, all good, up to him. Also making him clear up stops him from being too creative and them leaving you to clear up the debris. Just agree on which nights are his then opt out.

I sympathise too. I hate thinking what to eat. We also both have a whole list of things we can’t eat too which has come to light recently causing a lot of confusion. I am bored bored bored of trying to work it out.

I’m thinking of this with my DH.

I’d suggest a set number of recipes, or easy meals, a roast, a meat and two veg, chilli con carne, shepherds pie etc, shop pasties and veg, etc etc. These would be decided on perhaps on a week1 week2 rota and then relevant ingredients purchased on correct week and off he goes. Ok it might get boring and at that point you need to re think it. My dsd gets hello fresh, I wondered about trying it mainly as someone else thinking up a menu.

I have a bit of a in my head week 1 week 2 rota, I write it on the inside of my large cupboard in whiteboard pen (cleans off nicely with a bit of spray bleach). I try and plan the next three days or so ahead based on what’s in our freezers and fridge. I also try and cook extra of chilli and curry so we have some homemade ready meals for the days I want to scream ‘I don’t want to cook today ‘.

Or failing that agree to a takeaway now and again.

I also ask my dh to do things when I am cooking, like chop the veg etc, and if he asks how I say to him as he would like it unless I specifically need it a certain way.

Can you sit down and come up with a rolling 4-6 week menu that you both agree on, and which meals he prepares from that. You can then agree who does which shopping and when based on that meal plan. He can pick meals to cook then that he can manage and can then perfect over time . When you get bored of a certain dish you can swap it on the menu rota.

I did this when we had the kids. I really didn’t want to get endless questions of what’s for dinner, or dithering around when in a rush in the morning or when hungry at night. Or squabbles over who was cooking that evening. Meant no one had to really think about it any more.

I even went as far as having pre-prepared shopping lists on line for each week based on that weeks menu- but then I am a bit of a control freak🤣🤣

I have tried for years to get DH to cook something, he's an intelligent adult manages a lot of things yet absolutely fails when it comes to food planning and cooking.

I'm pretty much doing the same things as Bobbots option 1, for the same reasons.
But we do use Hello Fresh because it takes the planning part for some of the week away from me. Dh can chop veg very well now and he sets the table so there is that I guess .

I think you need a combination of accepting you'll do more in exchange for him taking on other tasks (and please, please, please, do not fall into the trap of "I do the cooking, meal planning, shopping but it's okay, he does the bins". It needs to be a LOT more than the bloody bins).

But also... certain meals he has to do. So it might be that you agree he cooks twice a week. For those days, you will help him come up with a selection of meals he feels he can master by himself but then... and this is key.... he has to bloody master them.

I honestly don't understand how or why so many men choose to just not absorb or keep info.And the ONLY way to change it is to insist that you are not going to eb responsible. That you will help him learn, but he needs to then LEARN.

I snapped in frustration once at my husband in the supermarket why did I always have to decide what we were having for dinner? Got quite a few sympathy / knowing looks from other women.

I made him responsible for half the nights, there were some disasters along the way, but I'd say he's now a better cook than me. He watched a lot of Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey etc YouTube videos.

Buy a book like What Mummy Makes and tell him to pick something from it twice a week, then shop and cook for the whole family.