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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was a bit inappropriate

78 replies

lifeturnsonadime · 08/07/2021 10:51

I am currently recovering from a bad ankle break which resulted in surgery.

I had a male physiotherapist come to my home a week after I was discharged from hospital. He is not originally from the UK so I am not sure whether what I experienced can be put down to a culture difference or whether it was simply inappropriate but it did make me feel uncomfortable so I would welcome views.

I am having to sleep downstairs as i can't get upstairs due to the fact that we have no handrail so a single bed has been bought downstairs for the time being. Anyhow during the course of my assessment with the physio he made a couple of comments that made me uncomfortable. The first was along the lines of 'some ladies like to be larger' - I am a size 14-16 so I'm not massive but am overweight, I'm not bothered if a professional tells me i should try to loose weight because clearly it wouldn't hurt but this was followed by 'if your husband wants to sleep with you for the next few weeks you could bring a double bed down". The room that I am sleeping in, which he could see, certainly wouldn't fit a double bed.

I'm probably overthinking it but I found both comments really personal and unnecessary. Am i right? I don't really feel comfortable with him coming back but I'm not sure I have valid reasons.

OP posts:

Original poster

lifeturnsonadime · 08/07/2021 13:03

Godmum the therapist did not offer any helpful suggestions as to how I could wash with privacy which was what I specifically was complaining about!

It felt off to me. A bit creepy.

OP posts:

Passingahat · 08/07/2021 13:06

I think he was genuinely talking about your husband sleeping downstairs

Its fairly well known that patients will have poor sleep, feel rubbish about sleeping alone or go upstairs against medical advice because of not sleeping with partners

I used to prescribe equipment and we would always talk about sleeping arrangements because couples tend to hate sleeping apart and feel like they become disconnected

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 08/07/2021 13:10

Completely inappropriate, I would feel very uncomfortable.

Brookes99 · 08/07/2021 13:27

I think you'd probably feel pretty embarrassed trying to explain exactly what was inappropriate to a manager...?! From what you've said it feels like you are looking for issues that aren't there.

SteppedOnBloodyLego · 08/07/2021 13:31

lifeturnsonadime
Was English his second language?

godmum56 · 08/07/2021 13:34

@RickiTarr

Are you a rehab specialist? You'd be AMAZED at what people want to be able to do.

Oh I’m not surprised what people might ask or want to know.

Plunging in straight in with DH was told, after his hand break, about how to do foreplay without using his hands. He never asked the question, the physio just volunteered the info, is quite different, though.

When you’re in a professional position raising something sensitive with a client, you don’t just jump straight in with the technicolour, unexpurgated version (of anything), you ask broader opening questions to find out what they might want to share or know. Then follow their lead.

yes that's right and sometimes even the best therapist gets it wrong.

godmum56 · 08/07/2021 13:36

@lifeturnsonadime

Godmum the therapist did not offer any helpful suggestions as to how I could wash with privacy which was what I specifically was complaining about!

It felt off to me. A bit creepy.

But did he understand that? That's why i said about the difference between BECAUSE and AND....also you did mention alongside that that you had got/were going to have a single bed downstairs.

DeepDown12 · 08/07/2021 13:47

I don't know where he's from but, for example, in certain Slavic languages 'sleeping with' means literally sleeping next to a person, not having sex with them.

thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2021 13:57

Borderline: I think he may just have meant "if your husband wants to share a bed with you". But I just wouldn't wouldn't have veered into that territory.

A bit uncomfortable but probably not enough to make a fuss about IMHO.

Think you may be right about cultural differences: its very British to consider all personal discussion off limits in a professional consultation and less so in other cultures. I'd let it go, personally.

Painismydayjob · 08/07/2021 14:02

If a healthcare professional makes you feel uncomfortable then you are perfectly within your rights to ask to see a dismember of staff and to raise it with their senior.
Yes, it may have been perfectly innocent and he’d be horrified to think he’d upset you. Speaking as a healthcare professional myself I’d be upset if my manager had to have a word with me. I’d be more upset though that I had made someone feel uncomfortable and would be pleased to have the opportunity to learn from it and avoid doing it again.
Yes, working in these roles means we do discuss very intimate topics in detail at time, but we offer an opportunity eg are you able to clean yourself after using the loo, or we know injuries like this can affect intimacy, please don’t feel uncomfortable asking me anything. I certainly wouldn’t assume to start telling someone about foreplay unless they asked!

Painismydayjob · 08/07/2021 14:04

Ask to see a different member of staff even….

Doghead · 08/07/2021 14:06

Is it only me who thinks the OP is massively over thinking?

IllForTooLong · 08/07/2021 14:07

@DeepDown12

I don't know where he's from but, for example, in certain Slavic languages 'sleeping with' means literally sleeping next to a person, not having sex with them.

I’d say that in English, sleeping with also means sleeping next to the person…. It’s just that we have added that extra dimension some of the time I mean how else are you saying that you are sleeping in the same bed than your partner?

TheVolturi · 08/07/2021 14:10

As if you'd ask a physio how to pleasure your wife without hands 🤣🙄 , they're physiotherapists not sex gurus! Never happened.

TheVolturi · 08/07/2021 14:12

@Doghead

Is it only me who thinks the OP is massively over thinking?

Nope, I do too!

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 08/07/2021 14:17

I honestly think he meant it would be safe for you to sleep in the same bed, but agree he should have phrased it around what you want, not your husband.

There's very few ways to put this without it sounding like a euphemism for sex.

BobbidyBob · 08/07/2021 14:30

@SausagePourHomme

The first comment wouldn't bother but the second one is clearly over the line!

Just goes to show how different folk are, because for me it’s the total opposite!

Goes to show he shouldn’t really have said either, he doesn’t sound very professional. Glad you’re sorted and can decline his visit in future.

1forAll74 · 08/07/2021 14:52

Do you not have a sense of humour. It's not offensive at all. Some people from different countries, have different ways of saying things. If the person is adept at the treatment he gives, and is quite friendly, that's what matters really.

Bluntness100 · 08/07/2021 14:54

I’d have assumed he meant actual sleep, becayse unless you’re five everyone knows you don’t need a double bed to shag in.

Jaxhog · 08/07/2021 14:59

Trust your gut on this one. If it felt inappropriate, then it was.

theemmadilemma · 08/07/2021 15:01

@IllForTooLong

First of all the fact the physio is form ‘another country’ has nothing to do with your issue. You are basically asking there if it’s normal for people from other countries or behave unprofessionally and I don’t think it’s ok at all.

Second, as a hcp I sometimes go into those territories. And imo it’s totally ok. It’s ok when it’s done in a sensitive way and for a purpose.
I would say it was phrased in a sensitive manner.
So my question is: in what context did he talk about you and your DH sleeping together? Did he have any worried about what could happen if you are in the same bed/having sex with the au you use your ankle and foot? I’m thinking the way you might bend your ankle for example?

Did you automatically recoil at the question so he never dare carry in with the subject, even though the aim was give you some warning on what you can and can’t do with your foot?

Whether he was unprofessional very much depends on the context in whcih e was asking the question.

Of course it has something to do with the issue. If cultural language differences didn't matter then the global company I work for wouldn't hold seminars on the nuances of that exact subject.

People from different countries can have a far more direct, often seemingly abrasive way of speaking to you if you don't understand it's cultural.

Only the OP was there to see body language and note tone. It could have been entirely innocent from his perspective. He said sleep, not sex.

sadie9 · 08/07/2021 15:12

That is inappropriate. I'd feel uncomfortable just like you if a physio (or any professional), male, female, regardless of their nationality had said that to me.

nigellabrigade · 08/07/2021 15:16

I think you're being highly sensitive OP. What do you mean he had undertones when he said it? Was he smiling manically, winking at you, licking his lips, nudging you saying 'you know what I mean'? He obviously meant that if your husband would like to be close to you when you both sleep then he could get double bed. It's weird you would take it as anything else.

The weight comment, maybe he was just trying to make you feel better about being overweight, trying to be polite and it got lost in translation.

sadie9 · 08/07/2021 15:19

I don't understand how people are dismissing this as not having a sense of humour.
Surely the physio recognises the OP is a person of normal intelligence who could work out for themselves the logistics of what beds to go where. She's not 5yrs old!
The remarks were patronising at best and blatantly sexist at worst. Did the physio even know she had a husband? Maybe he's slept in a separate room for 10 years?

Original poster

lifeturnsonadime · 08/07/2021 15:29

Well this has been interesting, there is a range of responses.

I felt the remarks were sexist.

I am not going to do anything about it, I don't need to have him back in here again as i've sorted alternative provision. I'm not going to raise it as it's too ambiguous, it is hard to explain why it made me feel uncomfortable it was not that there was winking but there was something about the tone and the fact that it was not directed to what I had said MY concerns were that made it feel off. As someone said I am the patient, surely his comments should have focused on what my needs were.

English was not his first language so there may have been a 'lost in translation issue'. That said I've dealt with many people professionally and otherwise who have not had English as first language who have managed not to make me feel uncomfortable in the same way.

OP posts:

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