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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do in this situation - Sex or mental health?

43 replies

Creamsoda77 · 08/07/2021 08:42

Ok, happy marriage , kids, husband has always had issue with depression but started tablets 18 months ago. I have noticed a change in him, much more on the same level, more 'chilled' I guess and no sudden surges in depression etc. However, it has killed the sex life,we managed it a bit for a while now its been months, he said the tablets have taken away any urges. Pre medication his sex drive was really high, mine less so but we had an active sex life. We have a great relationship in every other way, laugh a lot, spend lots of time together etc.

So, does he carry on taking the tablets and lose our sex life (or very very rare) or stop them, take the chance on his mental health but get the sex life back?

I know he could try other medication but took so long to adapt to these I am wary.
He has had other health issues for the past few months too so maybe that has made it worse?

YABU - stick on the tablets and lose the sex
YANBU - Get him off the tablets and have a sex life

OP posts:
moanyhole · 08/07/2021 08:44

If he goes off the tablets and goes back into depression you might not have much of a sex life anyway. I'd look into maybe changing the meds.

Lockheart · 08/07/2021 08:49

It's a very common side effect of a lot of anti-depressant medication, so changing the tablets won't necessarily help.

It's also a common side effect of depression itself, so as a PP said, losing the tablets won't necessarily bring his libido back.

Is he having any therapy to help deal with the depression, with a view to coming off the tablets in future? I think this is what you should be supporting him to do.

And yes, other health issues are unlikely to be helping the matter. Again, I would support him to address these.

girlmom21 · 08/07/2021 08:54

Mental health is really important. I wouldn't say to stop the anti depressants but it might be worth speaking to the GP about changing the medication to find something that suits DH better?

Is the lack of libido bothering him?

Holothane · 08/07/2021 08:57

My dh has so much medication it has killed any sex life and there wasn’t that much before, if possible change meds or realise this is how it will be. Hugs.

Tal45 · 08/07/2021 08:59

Is there something causing the depression that could be changed or worked on? I would say to stay on the meds for now as it's taken time to get here but look for a solution to the depression that isn't meds at the same time ie counselling or therapy, a change of job, addressing the other health issues (perhaps all of these).
Also could you have intimacy without sex, cuddling, massage, kissing (perhaps while you use a vibrator), him giving you oral sex etc?

Draineddraineddrained · 08/07/2021 09:04

I think it is totally up to him. The medication is to help him feel ok, not to make him behave in a way that's better for you. So if he values his libido and sex life higher than his current equilibrium, he should probably speak to the GP about changing/reducing his meds; if on the other hand he is not too bothered by it, and would prefer to feel the way he does now, that is how choice. YOUR choice is then how you feel about a sexless/reduced sex marriage and whether you can live with that.

I just find the way you talk about it ("should I get him off the tablets", "I'm wary of trying new meds because of adjustment time") off as it suggests it's all in your hands and about which version of him you prefer (depressed but highly sexed Vs stabilised but sexless). When really what meds he takes or doesn't take should be about him and how he feels.

Original poster
Creamsoda77 · 08/07/2021 09:11

Interesting point, he says he doesnt feel much different buy I have noticed a HUGE change in him, he is like a different person. He would come off the tablets for me, not for him as he says as long as I am happy it doesn't matter, this is so difficult.

Other health issues may have also affected it this year and work issues? He is changing direction with work soon to something he enjoys , so maybe that will help?

OP posts:
WhyMeWhyNot21 · 08/07/2021 09:14

My DH has bipolar and the same happened with us…it was trial and error till we found the meds that worked best for him (and us) but now he’s on ones that work well mental health wise and don’t affect his libido…at all!
I wouldn’t ever recommend stopping the meds though. Depression is just as likely to reduce his urges as medication.

suspiria777 · 08/07/2021 09:15

wowwwww this is such an unreasonable suggestion.

He should titrate off the medication when his doctor agrees it makes sense, and do so slowly because withdrawal symptoms can be horrendous.

He should not stop taking his medication because you want a shag. Get a vibrator or ask him to go down on you.

cinammonbuns · 08/07/2021 09:18

I’m sorry but if this was roles reversed and a man came here asking if their wife should get off meds because of sex life they would be bollocked and rightly so.

Xuli · 08/07/2021 09:19

It’s a common side effect. When I’m on a higher dose, i could have an entire squad of the fittest men in the world begging for me and I wouldn’t be interested.

Once he’s really settled on the medication and it’s given him the time and space to make some lifestyle changes that can help (exercise, diet etc) then it’s worth a chat with his doctor about trying other medications.

But his mental health is far more important.

Original poster
Creamsoda77 · 08/07/2021 09:31

Exactly, mental health is and i wanted to write this to see what people would say, I feel as I'm in a dilemma, one thing solves one problem and then another problem sets off......... maybe when he starts his new work and feels happier that may change things too.

I wanted honest views and I like that!

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 08/07/2021 09:49

I’m going for option C - he has a chat with the GP to see if there’s a different medication that makes both possible

suggestionsplease1 · 08/07/2021 09:55

Sometimes meds can put a person in a stronger position to do the cognitive work that can help overcome depression. If the depression was more due to situational factors or ways of thinking that can be successfully challenged, and these things have improved then, if he wants to, a discussion with his GP about maybe trying to come off the meds might be a way forward.

If the depression is really longstanding, severe, not situational and isn't amenable to talking therapies then the meds might be far more important for him.

Canigooutyet · 08/07/2021 09:58

Stop talking about having a shag unless he brings it up.

He's still depressed. He's only interested in making you happy. Chances are it's not the meds or other health stuff, he's just not interested and to close the conversation down looking at other options. He knows it would hurt you if he told you the truth.

OneinNine · 08/07/2021 10:03

Sweeping generalization but depression tend to kill libido anyway so I think either way you are not going to get a lot of action. Personally, I would choose dh being happy(ier), if he is, on the pills.

sparechange · 08/07/2021 10:07

I cannot believe that there is a single rational, compassionate person in the world who would expect their partner to come off medication which has been proven to make a huge improvement in their health condition, in order for their partner to have more sex.

And if that person does exist, they should be utterly ashamed of themselves

DocDog · 08/07/2021 10:13

This is very interesting.

Me and DH are both on antidepressants. We both have a long history of MH problems going back before we met.

When we met we were both a mess. Neither of us were very functional adults. 10 years later and lots of therapy on both sides we are now on doses of SSRIs. We've gone from binge drinking toxic anxious unhappy people, to happy adults that have a mortgage and love each other so much. We have a great life and relationship.

But we don't have much sex, maybe once a month. We've talked about this a lot. We're happy together, we're both the least mental and anxious we've ever been. We've made peace with the lower sex drives and less sex. The trade is worth it.

Crazycrazylady · 08/07/2021 13:05

I think people are being very harsh on the Op. she could possibly be facing a life long relationship with practically no sex. I don't think she is being unreasonable to wonder if there is at least an alternative instead just accepting it as a fait accompli.

SW1amp · 08/07/2021 13:12

@Crazycrazylady

I think people are being very harsh on the Op. she could possibly be facing a life long relationship with practically no sex. I don't think she is being unreasonable to wonder if there is at least an alternative instead just accepting it as a fait accompli.
So..? She says it’s a ‘great relationship in every other way’ If sex is more important than a great relationship with someone who is stabilising their mental health, you probably need therapy to understand why you place such extreme importance on sex above everything else
ScottishNewbie · 08/07/2021 13:14

Sex is incredibly important. So is mental health. Your needs shouldn't be ignored or neglected so that his are met.
He either satisfies you in other ways (assuming you're happy with a lack of penetrative sex) or you discuss opening up your marriage so you can get physical satisfaction elsewhere, and then enjoy all the other great parts or your marriage. Loads of people do this with no problems as long as 100% honesty between partners.
Or, you decide you're happy with no sex. You're not a bad person for needing sex. It's very normal.
But it does sound like he needs the meds and shouldn't come off them

Lockheart · 08/07/2021 13:18

@SW1amp sex is a vital component of many marriages. Usually what's going on in someone's sex life will directly mirror what's going on in their relationship overall - if someone is feeling happy and secure in their relationship that will usually be reflected by a fairly active sex life, and the opposite is also true. You don't need therapy if you place importance on the sexual aspect of your relationship.

OP needs to support her husband to recover, which should help the sex side of things, but she's not unreasonable to want to have sex.

SW1amp · 08/07/2021 13:23

[quote Lockheart]@SW1amp sex is a vital component of many marriages. Usually what's going on in someone's sex life will directly mirror what's going on in their relationship overall - if someone is feeling happy and secure in their relationship that will usually be reflected by a fairly active sex life, and the opposite is also true. You don't need therapy if you place importance on the sexual aspect of your relationship.

OP needs to support her husband to recover, which should help the sex side of things, but she's not unreasonable to want to have sex.[/quote]
In so far as when sex falls away, it can be indicative of other problems

Which is clearly not what is happening here

As pp said, if this was the other way around and a man was suggesting his wife came off medication so he could get more sex, he would get rightly slaughtered

And I’m sorry, but valuing sex above the actual health of the person you have sex with is a very big problem
No one needs sex so badly that they can reasonably expect someone else to make themselves ill to provide it
In sickness and health, and all that…

Conchitastrawberry · 08/07/2021 13:23

I’d take a happy sexless marriage over putting my husbands mental health at risk any day.

I can’t believe you even need to ask!

mangoontoast · 08/07/2021 13:33

Having suffered depression myself, you are incredibly selfish to suggest this! Go and buy a dildo and don't risk your husbands mental health.

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