What would you do in this situation - Sex or mental health?

[Creamsoda77]

Ok, happy marriage , kids, husband has always had issue with depression but started tablets 18 months ago. I have noticed a change in him, much more on the same level, more 'chilled' I guess and no sudden surges in depression etc. However, it has killed the sex life,we managed it a bit for a while now its been months, he said the tablets have taken away any urges. Pre medication his sex drive was really high, mine less so but we had an active sex life. We have a great relationship in every other way, laugh a lot, spend lots of time together etc.

So, does he carry on taking the tablets and lose our sex life (or very very rare) or stop them, take the chance on his mental health but get the sex life back?

I know he could try other medication but took so long to adapt to these I am wary.
He has had other health issues for the past few months too so maybe that has made it worse?

YABU - stick on the tablets and lose the sex
YANBU - Get him off the tablets and have a sex life

If she has to live in a sexless marriage for a very long time OP could well become depressed as well. It would be a miserable existence. Has DH tried cog behaviour therapy?

I'd get other things in place to help with both mental health and libido, such as
-regular exercise
-healthy diet
-good amount of sleep
-time outside every day
-tidy house
-regular habits
(not suggesting your house is untidy, but just a list of what often helps!

Then discuss alternative medication with the doctor. Your DH is then in the best possible position to cope with a change in meds.

@Conchitastrawberry

I’d take a happy sexless marriage over putting my husbands mental health at risk any day.

I can’t believe you even need to ask!

Mind boggling, isn’t it

Some people with some serious issues…

Blimey, i asked as i had no one, no one to talk to! I wanted to post as it was on my mind and yes I feel guilty for even thinking it , but I am human and that is clearly wrong!

Don't worry OP.
Most women on Mumsnet would be relieved if their husband didn't want sex. All I seem to read on here is wives whinging about how their husbands are "sex pests".
Your needs are perfectly natural.

@Creamsoda77 these are the same people who say LTB if he forgets to put the bins out because he 'clearly doesn't care about your needs' so don't pay too much attention.

I agree that it's important your DH feels mentally well, and any decision about medication could only be made by him in consultation with his GP but I do have sympathy OP. I'm you 3 or 4 years down the line. My DH is on a drugs regime which keeps him more stable than any other he's been tried on in the 25 years or so he's had a mental illness which is great, but they have utterly killed his libido, and it's not easy to live with. We have a good relationship, we laugh together, we enjoy each other's company...but I miss the sex life we used to have. It's easy to say "I'd happily do without sex so long as he's well" but it's a lot harder to live it when you're talking years, and potentially the rest of your future together. So yes OP, he needs to stay on the tablets if they're the ones which work best for him but you have my sympathy too.

Please encourage him to talk to his GP, there may well be alternative meds or additional meds that might help him. It’s absolutely normal for you to feel sad about this and question whether there might be options to improve his sex drive.

DH and I are in a similar position - his isn’t a long term depression but he’s been taking ADs for about 6 months now when he really wasn’t recovering from his grief over his mum dying last summer.

We have had sex about once maybe twice in the past 3 months. He says he just doesn’t feel anything at all - he realised it properly a few weeks ago.

I feel guilty for wanting to have sex and upset that we don’t have sex any more. He has come off the ADs as the doctor said it was fine to come straight off them but as a long term AD taker I was suspicious of that as I think it’s not good for him and he has got an appointment with the GP for Monday.

Of course I’d rather have him all right but sex is nice as well!

I read this out to DH (as we work from home in the same room) and he wondered whether your DH misses having sex or whether he doesn’t really notice it? DH says this comes and goes but mostly not noticing it

Invest in some good toys and take control of your orgasms with or without him

Viagra is worth a go. I have it as I am on heavy meds. (I'm female, my GP prescribes a few tablets every six months). It's udes widely in eg USA

some fairly grim attitudes to sex on this thread. I don't have sex with my husband to "take control of my orgasms" I do it because it is a vital intimate part of our relationship. If we couldn't have sex any more for a medical reason it would be a blow. and of course I would ask - as he would - if there was a way of dealing with the medical issue that would preserve my sex drive.

the harsh responses telling her she is horrible for even raising the topic on an anonymous forum show very little understanding of how sex might matter in a good marriage.

If this was his physical health, would you even ask? Say, "DH has cancer but the chemo has cost his libido, should he stop?" Probably not. Mental health and illness is serious too. If the medication has a problematic side effect, ask if there is an alternative, don't have him stop the medication.

How do you plan to “get him off the tablets”?

@Canigooutyet

Stop talking about having a shag unless he brings it up.

He's still depressed. He's only interested in making you happy. Chances are it's not the meds or other health stuff, he's just not interested and to close the conversation down looking at other options. He knows it would hurt you if he told you the truth.

What a nasty thing to say, @Canigooutyet, you clearly don't understand the side effects of some medications.

I was on AD's for two years and they definitely affected my libido, it wasn't that I wasn't interested in/didn't fancy my DH, I just didn't get much of an urge.

OP, there's nothing wrong with craving affection and sex. I found that cuddling and generally being affectionate made a big difference - no, I wasn't leaping on DH the way I did in the past but a cuddle in bed often led to sex and that made us both happy. Of course your DH's MH has to come first, but it doesn't need to be either/or.

I dont talk about 'having a shag' at all! I jokingly said something the other day and he said he feels no desire, (the word shag has never been said) . I am being honest as yes I miss it, yes I want to have a sex life, what is wrong with that? Yes I also care for his mental health!

You have really misunderstood what I posted Camel.
Many people feel rejected when their partner doesn't want sex. They find it upsetting. Some people don't take not interested seriously and will probe to find out the whys. The op had already stated he will do anything to make her happy. His thoughts are still messed up. He his suggesting alternatives rather than saying I'm really not interested. When you constantly hear this is really gets to you. When your pushed away it gets to you.

Depression on its own can reduce sex drive so not necessarily a side effect of the meds or any underlying illnesses. And yes thank You I do understand the side effects of the meds and the depression itself. I've been on and off anti d's for a very long time. I know when I'm starting to sink again my libido is one of the first things to go. When I'm on the right dose it starts to come back.

Of course you miss it op. It's an important part of many adult relationship. It's normal and natural. You start to feel unwanted, unloved, undesired. You also have to try and protect your own mental health because honestly we can suck the life out of you. I'm not suggesting we all do it, but it does happen. It's not selfish for you to want things.

Thanks, things still uneventful in that area, probably need to discuss it really. I am making sure dh takes the tablets daily as he forgets otherwise.