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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend makes me feel so alone when pregnant

59 replies

Beckyxox12 · 07/07/2021 20:44

So I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and the whole way through my pregnancy I’ve just felt so alone and I feel like my boyfriend just does not care. He goes to work in the day time fair enough but he never comes straight home he’s always out doing something with his mates and then on the weekends he goes out with his friends again and If I dare ask him to stay in once with me or go somewhere with me he says I’m controlling him but that’s not the case I just genuinely want abit of time together. I’ve told him how alone I feel and I want him to spend more time with me but he never seems to do anything about it I just feel like he’s only bothered about seeing his friends I feel second best. I see my friends. Sometimes but not a lot as we live different lives they go out getting drunk a lot so I can’t participate in that so most of the time I’m just sat at home on my own waiting for him. I feel like I’m a sleeping partner to him. We’ve also just moved out into a house which he agreed to pay the rent and bills for as I’m ok maternity pay Which is little to nothing I agreed to help out as much as I can but no way can I afford all the rent and. Bills and lately he keeps blackmailing me everytime we argue saying he will smash the house up and walk out and leave. Me to pay for everything Which I physically can’t I don’t even earn enough to pay the rent alone never mind the other bills. Also whenever I bring it up to him how I feel and ask him to treat me a bit better he tells me he’s done with me and he doesn’t love me . I just feel abit stuck I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Palavah · 07/07/2021 21:18

OP if your partner is English and watching the football please try to spend the night somewhere else safe if you can.

Palavah · 07/07/2021 21:18

If not and he turns nasty you need to call 999, protect yourself and your baby.

OlympicProcrastinator · 07/07/2021 21:22

This is not a good man. Things will get worse not better. You can’t fix it. You need to get out now before the baby arrives and things get more difficult. You are not being unreasonable to ask him to be with you more. It’s him that’s in the wrong.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2021 21:29

You need to talk to your midwife IMMEDIATELY about the abuse you are suffering.

You need to ask for help to leave this arsehole. Your midwife will be able to help.

DO NOT consider staying.

No more begging to be treated with kindness and fairness and affection.

Get out. Stay out.

Original poster
Beckyxox12 · 07/07/2021 21:29

I’ve already worked out how much I’d get. On entitled to as a single mom and I’d pick up about 1000 a month including my maternity pay and the. Rent is 650 alone leaving me with just 350 to pay out alll the other bills, food ect i think my best bet is getting somewhere on the council where the rent is more affordable for me but we’ve literally only moved into this house 2 weeks ago and we both signed a joint tenancy so I reckon it would be a tricky one for me to get out of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beckyxox12 · 07/07/2021 21:34

I’m seeing a lot of people mention about not giving the baby his last name aswell and putting him on the birth certificate, does this change my rights if the baby had his name and he was on the certificate ?

OP posts:
Palavah · 07/07/2021 21:39

If you speak to women's aid and/or shelter they can advise you about the tenancy.

If you put his surname on the birth certificate then you would have to get his permission to change it to yours. It doesn't affect his responsibility to pay maintenance for the child either way.

lilmishap · 07/07/2021 21:50

I was in your shoes at 19 and ended up in a refuge at 21. Get out now.
It is so much harder when you have a baby in the house, you will be exhausted and more sensitive and he will still be an arsehole.
Don't put your you or your baby through this, he doesn't want to support you, he won't change (except this behaviour will escalate), everything will get so much worse.

Find a way of making it happen

lilmishap · 07/07/2021 21:53

Names on birth certificates are not what you should be worrying about, he has no interest in your baby and is unlikely to be at the registrar office with you to put his name on the certificate.
He has to pay maintenance regardless.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/07/2021 21:54

OP this relationship is over. I'm really sorry but he is telling you in both words and actions that he doesnt want to spend any time with you and has actually used the words that he doesn't love you. Would you ever say or do that to someone that you loved? You really need to make plans to be by yourself and find somewhere else to live now. You have a few weeks to sort it before it gets a million times more complicated

lilmishap · 07/07/2021 22:00

OP there is so much support now for women in your position ring helplines. Womens aid, nationalda, shelter, you could go for an occupation order to get him removed or you could ask for help to be moved.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/07/2021 22:01

@Beckyxox12

I’ve already worked out how much I’d get. On entitled to as a single mom and I’d pick up about 1000 a month including my maternity pay and the. Rent is 650 alone leaving me with just 350 to pay out alll the other bills, food ect i think my best bet is getting somewhere on the council where the rent is more affordable for me but we’ve literally only moved into this house 2 weeks ago and we both signed a joint tenancy so I reckon it would be a tricky one for me to get out of.
Well you have 2 options op. Stay where you are and be miserable or get out now and get your life back. Easier now than before the baby comes along, eh?
Original poster
Beckyxox12 · 07/07/2021 22:05

Also I know he wants something to do with the baby aswell and he wants his last Name and his name on the birth certificate and if don’t then he will cause problems for my family

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 07/07/2021 22:07

He sounds like an absolute delight.
I’m another one who would agree that you need to make plans to go it alone with this baby.
Can you go to the Council/LA and declare yourself at risk of homelessness? Or is there a family member/friend you can stay with temporarily?
It really sounds like you’re better off without him, and the sooner you can get yourself set up in preparation, the better.
Sending you hugs. It must feel a very vulnerable time.

HollaHolla · 07/07/2021 22:09

@Beckyxox12

Also I know he wants something to do with the baby aswell and he wants his last Name and his name on the birth certificate and if don’t then he will cause problems for my family
I would not give your baby this chancer’s surname. You are unmarried, and even if you were, you have no compulsion to give the baby his name. When the time comes, go to register the baby on your own. He can’t interfere then. If you are genuinely afraid of him/repercussions, then maybe contacting Women’s Aid for advice is your best move?
veganmayo · 07/07/2021 22:10

If you don’t leave, this baby is going to be used against you as a method of control. The fact that he’s said he will cause trouble for the family if you don’t put his name on the birth certificate is basically proof that he’s already planning to do this. I’m afraid it doesn’t actually mean he wants anything to do with the child themselves.

Wearywithteens · 07/07/2021 22:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

lilmishap · 07/07/2021 22:21

This is domestic abuse. You don't have to wait till he hits you anymore things have moved on. As for ' he wants something to do with the baby' whats he going to do take the baby out on the piss to show his mates?

PLEASE get advice from a domestic abuse helpline, there is plenty of information online and they are very well informed on what help and support you are able to access. The recent changes mean the council has a legal obligation to help you if you make them aware of your position.
Start here

Funnylittlefloozie · 07/07/2021 22:38

What do you mean, cause problems for your family? If he threatens you or your family in any way, you call the police IMMEDIATELY.

Panaesthesia · 07/07/2021 22:43

When seeing midwives and at other pregnancy appointments, you will be spoken to alone, and told of the risk of domestic violence in pregnancy. Now that you're pregnant, he thinks you will not and cannot run, so the abuse increases, the threats increase.

They should be able to guide you as to your next steps to get you and your baby to safety.

People who threaten to smash things and say they do not love you are not joking. They are stating their position very plainly. He thinks that baby anchors you to the house as his lifelong servant. It does not.

Do it for the baby. His treatment suggests significant risk to the child.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 08/07/2021 02:02

Please stop thinking the tenancy is holding you back from leaving because its not. You can do this!

You don't have to wait to earn more money or wait for a council house etc. JUST LEAVE. He's threatened you, your family and god knows what else he's done that you haven't said on here.

Do you have someone you can stay with?

He won't do anything regarding "wanting something to do with the baby". He doesn't participate now! Let alone when the baby comes.

He's trying to make you think you have no options and you do!

Contact your midwife ASAP, they can help you. And we are here too. You and your baby deserve better.

DPotter · 08/07/2021 02:16

OP Also think about who you would like to be your birthing partner. It doesn't have to be your BF - it can be your Mum, sister or a friend. You do NOT have to choose him

timeisnotaline · 08/07/2021 02:23

@Beckyxox12

Also I know he wants something to do with the baby aswell and he wants his last Name and his name on the birth certificate and if don’t then he will cause problems for my family
He will cause a lot less problems for your baby if he’s not on the birth certificate and you will thank your lucky stars many times over your baby doesnt have his name. Contact your landlord, explain he’s abusive and you’re heavily pregnant and planning to leave, say if you told him you were leaving he’d just cut and run leaving you with the tenancy but you can’t pay it. Share his salary and yours and ask them to remove you from the tenancy so this doesn’t come back to bite you. Warn them he can’t be trusted either. Move to your parents one day while he’s out.
Themeparklover · 08/07/2021 02:37

start contacting women's support shelters and charities now, they will start to advise you, may be able to help you remove your name from tenancy if you state it has been abusive for a long time and you weren't comfortable with this, they should offer you a mother and baby unit or help you find a council flat etc, especially if you have had to leave due to abuse, and like above said don't put his name on if you don't want to , in fact don't have him there at the birth if it makes you uncomfortable, it wont change what he would owe you each month.

Cocogreen · 08/07/2021 02:42

I'm so sorry OP.
You need to leave now - it will be easier now than when the baby arrives.
He's not interested in being a decent partner or Dad.
You have a couple of months to get yourself sorted. Don't stay with him.

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