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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu??

40 replies

coffeeneeded · 07/07/2021 20:21

Husband has a stressful job- he's wfh at the moment and we have one kid isolating this week (his twin is in a different class and is going in to school). So things are fraught already.

He hasn't been down before 2130 this week.

So, kids in bed, I'm settled down to watch tv. DH storms down about 5 mins ago and says "I have tons of work to do so can we just watch the football and then I'll go back to work?!?"

We don't normally follow football. I had forgotten there was a match on.

I said "hang on, the match is 90mins+ and THEN you want to go back to work? That seems nuts. You won't be in bed until really late!". (Plus I dont really want to watch the match- but I didn't say that).

He says "oh forget it, my stress levels are so high and I can't be arsed with this push back" storms back up to his office again and slams the door.

Was I wrong?

I have my tin hat on.

OP posts:
CuriousOrangee · 07/07/2021 20:22

Hmm, on this occasion I would have let him watch the football. It's a rare occasion for England.

Zarene · 07/07/2021 20:25

It's nothing to do with whether or. It he should watch the match - OP didn't say that - it's about whether the DH is being an arse about it.

Which he is. YANBU.

Returnoftheowl · 07/07/2021 20:26

I wouldn't be impressed at bring spoken to like he did. I appreciate that it is unusual for England to get this far in competitions however that doesn't excuse him taking his stress out on you.

BlueSurfer · 07/07/2021 20:28

Is he a football fan? I can understand wanting to watch the match and working late to make up for it. Presumably he finished after the children are in bed anyway, so it doesn’t make much difference to your evening as a one off.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 07/07/2021 20:30

Sounds like there is more going on here. Your comment about him being in bed late shouldn’t have caused him to react like that but he sounds incredibly stressed.

Original poster
coffeeneeded · 07/07/2021 20:37

@BlueSurfer not a football fan. In fact he rebelled against it because his family all loved it. (Black sheep)

He is seriously stressed, and I get that. But I just don't get why he sprung on me like that.

OP posts:
SecretSpAD · 07/07/2021 20:40

I don't give a shit about the football, but it reminds me of a couple of conversations I've had with my husband and kids recently. Have been working long hours - early morning til,late in evening so basically in my study and non interruptible (unless it's life or death) for 16h a day. 10 h of which I'm on consultations with patients.

I've been known to come downstairs for a break in the evening to watch something suitably mind numbing, nit want to talk to anyone and then collapse into bed.

If it's a brief time of stress then let it go. If it's a continuation of shitty behaviour then you need to make changes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2021 20:43

@CuriousOrangee

Hmm, on this occasion I would have let him watch the football. It's a rare occasion for England.
Not if you don't care about football.

I dislike the idea that football trumps everything. I'm trying to think of something that women like which trumps everything and everyone has to fall into line. Royal weddings? I can't stand them personally.

Original poster
coffeeneeded · 07/07/2021 20:46

@SecretSpAD

I don't give a shit about the football, but it reminds me of a couple of conversations I've had with my husband and kids recently. Have been working long hours - early morning til,late in evening so basically in my study and non interruptible (unless it's life or death) for 16h a day. 10 h of which I'm on consultations with patients.

I've been known to come downstairs for a break in the evening to watch something suitably mind numbing, nit want to talk to anyone and then collapse into bed.

If it's a brief time of stress then let it go. If it's a continuation of shitty behaviour then you need to make changes.

That sounds really tough. He doesn't stay in his office all day though. Comes down quite a bit for breaks, lunch, goes out to exercise etc. He's nowhere near your levels of hours.

Strength to you

OP posts:
veganmayo · 07/07/2021 20:47

The fact that he used the phrase ‘push-back’ sounds like he is still very much in work-stress-mode. Which is probably not great for him but also not really fair to take it out on you.

Original poster
coffeeneeded · 07/07/2021 20:47

@MrsTerryPratchett we're on the same page. What's the deal with football? It frankly annoys me that it's so important to our economy.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeneeded · 07/07/2021 21:15

He's just come down to complain that I haven't been to check on him after he told me that his stress levels were sky high........

He dropped that one and then went back to the office again. Didn't give me a chance to say anything.

Stunned.

OP posts:
Attheendofthedaywhenallsaid · 07/07/2021 21:18

If he carries on working like that, and being so stressed - your gonna have one sick husband on your hands (never mind a grouchy one)

CheddarGorge · 07/07/2021 21:22

Yanbu he can't just bust in and demand the tv... CF

Original poster
coffeeneeded · 07/07/2021 21:23

He's so proud though- he won't be told that he needs help.

OP posts:
Dorris83 · 07/07/2021 21:27

He sounds incredibly stressed, I know that when I’m stressed with work I am not at my best. If you can take things off his plate I’m sure that would be appreciated but likewise I think you’re fully entitled to tell him he shouldn’t take his stress out on you. I hope things improve soon

Brookes99 · 07/07/2021 21:28

YABU. He is telling you (twice!) that he is stressed and you are sat on your backside posting on mumsnet about your poor feelings...!

Wearywithteens · 07/07/2021 21:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

ahoyshipmates · 07/07/2021 21:44

@coffeeneeded

He's so proud though- he won't be told that he needs help.
He doesn't need help - he needs to be told that no matter how stressed he is, it is unacceptable for him to talk to you like shit.
BackforGood · 07/07/2021 21:55

I dislike the idea that football trumps everything. I'm trying to think of something that women like which trumps everything and everyone has to fall into line. Royal weddings?

What a daft and sexist thing to say. Loads of women love football. What have Royal weddings got to do with anything ?
However, I also watch big national occasions for sports I don't regularly watch. As do millions of people. This is much bigger than a regular match.

BUT

I would’ve kicked off tbh - nobody would just enter my space, suddenly blow up for no apparent reason and then expect royal treatment for being ‘stressed’. Jesus tell him he needs to get help or change job if it’s that’s bad

This ^ absolutely.

I would not be impressed by my dh working until 9.30 every night and expecting me to just deal with the dc, cooking the meals every night, etc etc.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 07/07/2021 22:08

Stressed or not, is he contributing to family life at the moment?

Strange he can make time for football (that he doesn’t follow) but not his children it seems if they haven’t seen him all day.

thisplaceisweird · 07/07/2021 22:11

DH and I both have have very stressful jobs and can snap at each other like that. We give each other the benefit of the doubt the first time, and instead of getting mad, take each other a cup of tea, or just give space and have a cuddle when they're ready. Takes a lot of deep breaths, sure, but makes for a happy mary

thisplaceisweird · 07/07/2021 22:12

Happy marriage not Mary haha

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2021 03:56

What a daft and sexist thing to say.

Not half as sexist as the entire country stopping to watch a bunch of blokes kick a ball around. Watch the women's team bollocks do you?

Ratalie · 08/07/2021 04:31

If you write football off as being a "men's interest", you can hardly complain that people don't watch the (currently massively inferior) women's game.

If more women were encouraged to get into football (watching and playing), standards and interest would skyrocket.