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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I supposed to support my son over abortion?

52 replies

WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:09

My son has had a relationship with someone who I consider inappropriate.

She has, among other things, threatened to attack me, deliberately rammed someone else’s car, has a drug addiction and frequently threatens to commit suicide or self harm.

She then informed my daughter that she was pregnant and was having a surgical abortion as it was too late for pills.

She is now sending my daughter horrible messages saying that my daughter and I are being unsupportive by not talking to her or my son about this abortion.

But I really don’t feel I can be supportive. It has been seven months of different big dramas and stressful events and I am completely exhausted by it.

Am I obliged to support them emotionally over this abortion? I feel that after this there will be another big event, and another, and another.

It feels very unfair on my daughter as well, who gets less attention because of the constant stresses caused by her brother and the woman he’s in an on off relationship with.

For example on the day the pregnancy and abortion were announced, my daughter had gone to celebrate with family because she had got excellent exam results, and that was ignored as it became eclipsed by the pregnancy/abortion. Prior to the announcement, my daughter didn’t even know my son was in a relationship with the woman. I had only known a week.

I feel I am being manipulated all the time and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
daisypond · 07/07/2021 20:12

She is nothing to do with you or your daughter. It’s your son she needs to talk to. Just keep well out of it. She doesn’t sound very well balanced and, I’m afraid to say, I might wonder about the truth of any pregnancy or abortion.

CarnationCat · 07/07/2021 20:12

I think you need to step back from this woman. Don't be rude to her or argue with her. Your son must know now that you don't support or agree with the relationship. I would personally not communicate with her at all. Don't reply to her texts or calls. If she spoke to you in the street, be civil but nothing more. She sounds like she has a lot of issues and is going through something horrific. It doesn't mean you need to be the one to support her though. Focus on your daughter and son. Support them both but not this relationship.

RampantIvy · 07/07/2021 20:13

Am I obliged to support them emotionally over this abortion?

No. I would just stay out of it, and suggest that your DD blocks the girlfriend on all social media,

nimbuscloud · 07/07/2021 20:13

Tell your dd to block her.

Choice4567 · 07/07/2021 20:13

Why does she have your daughters number? You should both block her

Mrstamborineman · 07/07/2021 20:15

You support your son by making all the right noises because it does not sound like he wants or would listen to your advice anyway.

MaskingForIt · 07/07/2021 20:17

But I really don’t feel I can be supportive. It has been seven months of different big dramas and stressful events and I am completely exhausted by it.

Prior to the announcement, my daughter didn’t even know my son was in a relationship with the woman. I had only known a week.

How has there been seven months of drama when you’ve only known about the relationship for a week?

Are you sure it isn’t you being dramatic?

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:19

She had my daughter’s number because we already knew her through family but did not of her problems until she started spending a lot of time with my son seven months ago. During that time they denied they were in a relationship of any kind and I believed them.

It is a fair point that my son doesn’t actually want my advice so I am not really in a position to support him anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:23

Masking, they were both living in my house for part of the time. She trashed parts of the house, smeared blood over things, played loud music at 4 am with all the windows and doors open, had drug dealers pulling up outside the house.

And I live on a quiet street. It caused me a lot of problems.

OP posts:
MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 20:26

If your son asks for your support that is all you need to worry about

CarnationCat · 07/07/2021 20:27

Just don't engage with her and your daughter should also not engage, not respond at all. Your son might not want your advice now but let him know you don't support the relationship but are here for him.

Perching · 07/07/2021 20:29

How old are they?
Sounds like a nightmare, I would just be light and breezy, have some stock phrases ready and don’t engage further. Sounds like she thrives on drama tbh.

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:31

My daughter is 19, my son 22 and the woman he has been seeing is late twenties.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/07/2021 20:31

Keep out of it. She sounds an absolute nightmare. How did your daughter not know about their relationship if they were both living in your house

NeepNeepNeep · 07/07/2021 20:35

She is abusive. Does your son live with you?

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:35

My daughter didn’t know because she was away at university. The woman was supposed to be starting in my daughter’s room in my house for a month as a favour and then refused to move out. This was in January. It took a few months to get her out. My son only told me about the relationship about a week before she told my daughter she was pregnant. My sister was there and told me.

OP posts:
Perching · 07/07/2021 20:36

Old enough then to totally disengage. If they were teenagers it would be different. And if she pulled the stunts you said she did whilst living with you she would not be welcome in my home either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2021 20:37

You need to get a LOT stroppier.

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:38

My son did live with me but he has been at her mum’s house for the past few weeks and is talking about getting a flat with her, even though he says they are not together anymore. She is not working so I am not sure how they will afford it.

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 07/07/2021 20:38

Is it even true about the pregnancy? I would block and refuse to even hear about her after the way she abused your kindness.

EmeraldShamrock · 07/07/2021 20:40

Yanbu. Echoing others step away from the situation, there is a time when enough is enough, concentrate on your daughter, keep your home secured and a diary of past events.
Good luck, protect DD.

NeepNeepNeep · 07/07/2021 20:43

Does your son actually want to leave her but feels he can't? I would tell him the door is always open for him but you don't want any contact with her.

Nayday · 07/07/2021 20:46

Boundaries immediately. This person isn't a relative and this account is written out in red flags.
Block, no contact etc. However the fact that she ended up living with you against your will suggests maybe you need some assistance / support to disengage? Do you have some good friends who can do this? Her relationship if any, is with your son, so you have no obligated to engage with her, nor does it seem healthy tbst you do so!

thenewduchessofhastings · 07/07/2021 20:51

As awful as it sounds I'm glad she's having a termination as she can absolutely cannot bring a baby into that absolute shitshow.She sounds unstable;does she have MH issues?

You&your DD need to disengage with her completely;block her if you can.

Support your son if he comes to you.Hopefully he'll see the light and walk away from her.

Nachorancho · 07/07/2021 20:51

OP - he's an adult and free to make mistakes (all you can do is advise and be there for him) but you are enabling this "drama" too. Give them notice and get your life back and stop being kind to people who don't deserve it