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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I supposed to support my son over abortion?

52 replies

WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 20:09

My son has had a relationship with someone who I consider inappropriate.

She has, among other things, threatened to attack me, deliberately rammed someone else’s car, has a drug addiction and frequently threatens to commit suicide or self harm.

She then informed my daughter that she was pregnant and was having a surgical abortion as it was too late for pills.

She is now sending my daughter horrible messages saying that my daughter and I are being unsupportive by not talking to her or my son about this abortion.

But I really don’t feel I can be supportive. It has been seven months of different big dramas and stressful events and I am completely exhausted by it.

Am I obliged to support them emotionally over this abortion? I feel that after this there will be another big event, and another, and another.

It feels very unfair on my daughter as well, who gets less attention because of the constant stresses caused by her brother and the woman he’s in an on off relationship with.

For example on the day the pregnancy and abortion were announced, my daughter had gone to celebrate with family because she had got excellent exam results, and that was ignored as it became eclipsed by the pregnancy/abortion. Prior to the announcement, my daughter didn’t even know my son was in a relationship with the woman. I had only known a week.

I feel I am being manipulated all the time and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 21:05

Has your son even seen proof of pregnancy? I've known of people who are outwardly much less chaotic than she sounds, to lie about a pregnancy.

gonnabeok · 07/07/2021 21:06

block her on everything tell her you want no more contact. If she keeps contacting you keep a record of it and report it formally
to the police as harrassment.

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 21:20

Thanks everyone for your advice on this.

I was worried that I wasn’t being understanding enough, but it is useful for posters to point out that I have to keep boundaries in place and not enable any further drama.

OP posts:
CuriousOrangee · 07/07/2021 21:22

Block them all.

Your son is an adult. This woman has no reason to contact you or DD.

Maskedrevenger · 07/07/2021 21:23

If she is pregnant it is totally her choice whether she has an abortion or not, your son can express his opinion that is all, abortions are not a group activity so no need at all for you or your DD to be involved. If your son wants to move out to live with her I would make it clear he is welcome back but not her you may lose him for a while though.
If they were both younger and the woman was not so difficult it would be different and my advice would very different.

IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 21:27

Your dd needs to block her. She has nothing to do with her and these issues.

You also owe her nothing and certainly no support for the abortion.

You might want to support your son, if that feels right to you. I would say it depends a lot on how he behaves with you, what’s going on etc…. And whether he actually feels he needs to support around the abortion itself.

CassandraTrotter · 07/07/2021 21:29

Get your dd to block her on everything. You do the same.

Does your son work? Is he an addict? why does he think this is a relationship he want to be in.

IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 21:30

Sorry I feel I need to be more precise.

You might want to support your son around the abortion if he feels he needs support.

For the rest, he is an adult and he needs to make adult decisions. Whether he gets a flat with her, how they are going to live etc… this is their issues, not yours.

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 21:46

Yes my son works, but he works from home (from a laptop wherever he lives) and he’s not an addict.

I don’t know why he wants to be in the relationship. His last girlfriend left him, he became lonely during this lockdown and started this relationship.

I can’t do anything whatsoever about him being in the relationship. I just want to make sure that I am doing the right thing by not being ‘supportive’ of him during this abortion. But I don’t know what support I am supposed to give, especially as he never intended for anyone to know, and I have only heard about it via my sister.

OP posts:
IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 21:50

He might very much h not need or want support for the abortion….

Are you sure it’s not her way to manipulate you into giving her support when you don’t want to?
Just like she ended up staying when you didn’t want her to etc….

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/07/2021 21:53

This is totally bizarre. Your ds doesn’t want support. This woman sounds like an absolute parasite. I am baffled that he had sex with her during / after the time, when she was treating you and your home so abysmally.

Personally I would try to support your ds. As in support to get some therapy to help him see this relationship is doomed.

xprincessxjanetx · 07/07/2021 21:56

No, you are not obliged to support something which you don't agree with.

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 21:57

That is what worries me. That she is making this accusation that DD and I are being unsupportive because it makes her look victimised and puts pressure on us to get involved with it.

I am also not thrilled that my son has lied to me all of this time, so don’t know who to believe or what to think. And he’s not shown any remorse over the lies.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/07/2021 22:03

That she is making this accusation that DD and I are being unsupportive because it makes her look victimised and puts pressure on us to get involved with it.

Why does she expect you to support her? You aren't her mother. Doesn't she have any family?

Please don't let her manipulate or guilt trip you.

chickenyhead · 07/07/2021 22:14

Yadnbu

Who expects support from (sorry OP)MIL for terminating a pregnancy?

Weird

Tistheseason17 · 07/07/2021 22:18

Glad you're gonna sort boundaries. She likes drama - don't engage.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/07/2021 22:21

Have you written about this before? There was a recent thread about an op whose ds was seeing a 'chaotic' woman in her twenties - it is that just my imagination?

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 07/07/2021 22:36

No, I haven’t written about it before.

OP posts:
RogueMnerHidesUnderABigHat · 08/07/2021 00:17

No lockdown where you live then?

Original poster
WoodstockandSnoopy · 08/07/2021 00:26

Yes, we were in lockdown. People are allowed to move house in lockdown.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 08/07/2021 00:27

Stay well out of it.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 08/07/2021 00:31

Can you support your daughter to block her?

Blood on your walls and drug dealers to your street - I wouldn't be on texting terms with her by now.

MirandaBlu · 08/07/2021 05:09

I would ask (ideally your son) what specifically they want in terms of support. It sounds like they have made up their minds to go ahead with the abortion so unless you or your daughter are trying to talk them out of that or criticise them for the decision, I don't see how you could be "unsupportive".

If they want something specific - a ride to the clinic, someone to stay with her after she goes home if your son can't, perspective from someone who's had a baby - then I'd consider doing that but not feel guilty about saying no if you're not able to do it. If she wants a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen as she talks through her issues, she needs to clarify that. And you have no obligation to listen endlessly. I do think it's strange that she's asking relative strangers, but perhaps she has no friends or family or support system of her own?

funinthesun19 · 08/07/2021 06:31

Why on earth does she need you and your DD to get involved? Sounds like a right drama queen.

Hasn’t she got her own family she can lean on if she genuinely wants support?

JustGiveMeGin · 08/07/2021 06:40

Yawn, waiting for the first super intelligent comment about lockdown. How are people going to cope when lockdown hopefully ends on the 19th and they have nothing else to think about.
@WoodstockandSnoopy Personally I would tell my son he was welcome anytime but this woman will never be darkening my door step again. If anything I think you have been far to supportive of them both!