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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to arrange a baby shower for my friend?

29 replies

Anabella321 · 07/07/2021 13:57

I have been struggling to conceive for over a year and have several conditions that make the process very challenging, so I expect to be struggling to conceive for quite some time ahead.

My best friend never knew if she really wanted children but decided to try this year and lo and behold, she became pregnant on the first try.

I am very happy for her and am excited for the baby to arrive.

She knows that I am struggling to conceive and I know she feels sorry for me as she offered me a loan to pay for tests (I don't live in the UK so I have to pay for all my fertility treatments). I didn't need the money but it was her way of letting me know she cares.

So three of us are best friends, we were each others bridesmaids etc.

Anyway in conversation a few months ago the matter of baby showers came up. It never occurred to me that she would be interested in that kind of thing but she said she does want a baby shower which means us two friends will have to organise it for her.

I didn't think this would bother me until the other friend contacted me last night saying we'd better get moving on it and I just wanted to tell her to go away and leave me alone.

Both friends know I'm trying. The not pregnant friend never acknowledges it and doesn't appear to have any interest in children herself.

The only other person who knows I'm trying is my mother.

My pregnant friend is not being sensitive to the fact that I can't have children, but I understand that not everyone is sensitive or should change their behaviour because of me, but it is just a fact that she is not being sensitive. Lots of belly slapping and constantly talking about being pregnant etc, which is probably normal enough behaviour in normal circumstances.

So my question is, can I drop out of organising the baby shower? There's another girl who is very close to the pregnant girl who could help if I bowed out.

Or will it seem dramatic if I drop out and make a big deal about something that I don't want to make a big deal about, I just don't want to organise a shower for someone else when I'm so sad about my own situation. I'm happy to attend obviously.

OP posts:
SemiFeralDalek · 07/07/2021 14:01

Yanbu. Even in the slightest. Protect your heart and your mental healthy first.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2021 14:03

So my question is, can I drop out of organising the baby shower?

Yes of course you can! Your well-being comes first.

You also don’t have to go.

Ttc especially with complications is really tough going and it’s a marathon and can be a rollercoaster. Your priority should be keeping yourself sane.

If you don’t feel you can decline going you could always get a cough or a tummy bug on the day.

You matter too.

Cocomarine · 07/07/2021 14:05

You have to do what protects your happiness, and in this case it seems easy to hand it over to someone else. However, I’d it really harder to do a bit of party organisation than it is to actually attend?

Also you go from saying you’re struggling to conceive to you can’t have children in the same post… if there are treatment options for you, try not to put yourself into the most negative mindset just yet!

SmidgenofaPigeon · 07/07/2021 14:07

Baby showers are annoying and unnecessary so in your circumstances I wouldn’t hesitate not to organise or attend.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant myself and wouldn’t dream of being insensitive and constantly talking up my pregnancy in front of you if I was aware of your struggles.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 14:07

You are absolutely not unreasonable to not organise the baby shower. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Flowers

Ylvamoon · 07/07/2021 14:09

Yes, you can. You don't even have to give a reason.

iamalighthouse · 07/07/2021 14:10

I don't under so why you have to organise it anyway?

MyFartWillGoOn · 07/07/2021 14:11

I've been on both sides of this... the one desperately struggling with fertility while my best friend got easily pregnant with her first.

And then when I finally did manage to fall pregnant, she was nearly 2 years into trying for their second.

You are absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest. Reach out to your pregnant friend and explain how much you are struggling.

It is entirely understandable to be happy for her and sad for yourself at the same time.

AppealingPeel · 07/07/2021 14:12

I think you have to grit your teeth through this one and try to be happy for her. Or when your baby comes she may feel really bitter that you didn't celebrate her baby but expect her to celebrate yours.

MadMadMadamMim · 07/07/2021 14:13

I think I would text non pregnant friend and just say bluntly This is not something I'm able to do. I'm struggling at the moment and need to minimise stress and extra tasks.

I'd leave it to them to work out what you might be struggling with! If they've any empathy at all they ought to realise this is too much to ask.

InDogBeersIveOnlyHadOne · 07/07/2021 14:13

@AppealingPeel

I think you have to grit your teeth through this one and try to be happy for her. Or when your baby comes she may feel really bitter that you didn't celebrate her baby but expect her to celebrate yours.
She can be happy for her friend without having to organise her baby shower. Say no OP, if they are decent friends then surely they'll understand
PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 14:13

@AppealingPeel

I think you have to grit your teeth through this one and try to be happy for her. Or when your baby comes she may feel really bitter that you didn't celebrate her baby but expect her to celebrate yours.
What a load of rubbish.

Good friends should understand someone struggling to conceive not being able to organise a baby shower.

No one is entitled to have a baby shower organised by a specific friend.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2021 14:16

Yes of course you can. Best of luck to you for the future and I hope things work out for you

girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 14:16

YANBU at all - you need to look after you - but I'd be prepared for it to change your friendship. If the baby shower is hard, spending time with her and the baby will be much harder.

SemiFeralDalek · 07/07/2021 14:19

@AppealingPeel

I think you have to grit your teeth through this one and try to be happy for her. Or when your baby comes she may feel really bitter that you didn't celebrate her baby but expect her to celebrate yours.
Well then she's not a very good friend.
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2021 14:24

@girlmom21

YANBU at all - you need to look after you - but I'd be prepared for it to change your friendship. If the baby shower is hard, spending time with her and the baby will be much harder.
You can’t possibly know that.
PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 14:27

@girlmom21

YANBU at all - you need to look after you - but I'd be prepared for it to change your friendship. If the baby shower is hard, spending time with her and the baby will be much harder.
Many of us barrens find pregnancy related things and pregnant women much harder to deal with than babies.
girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 14:28

Sorry I meant to say 'may' be harder not 'will' - my apologies

Babyghirl · 07/07/2021 14:29

@anabella321
I'm in your shoes I have told people I won't be attending baby showers I really did not care what they thought tbh, I was looking after me I have even went as far as avoiding her when pregnant and tbh to this day I have not even met her son but not my friend its my partners niece, I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp though the ttc journey ttc num 1, you do what u have to to protect yourself if she is a really good friend she will understand where your coming from, but people that have not walked in your shoes won't know the feeling that your feeling so please do what makes your comfortable and protact yourself hope all works out for you and you get your bundle 💚

godmum56 · 07/07/2021 14:29

Yanbu....brief text to both of them saying really sorry but I can't do this now. Wish your pregnant friend happiness and bow out for now....it may change the friendship and if it odes it will be their loss.

Babyghirl · 07/07/2021 14:32

@purpledaisies
If it changes there friendship its not a friendship worth having, her friend should understand and be there for her.

PurpleDaisies · 07/07/2021 14:33

[quote Babyghirl]@purpledaisies
If it changes there friendship its not a friendship worth having, her friend should understand and be there for her.[/quote]
Did you mean to tag me?

Twelvetimestwo · 07/07/2021 14:34

@AppealingPeel

I think you have to grit your teeth through this one and try to be happy for her. Or when your baby comes she may feel really bitter that you didn't celebrate her baby but expect her to celebrate yours.
No she doesn't have to grit her teeth at all. Have you ever dealt with infertility out of interest?
Twelvetimestwo · 07/07/2021 14:35

Many of us barrens find pregnancy related things and pregnant women much harder to deal with than babies.

Yes I agree

Livpool · 07/07/2021 14:40

YANBU- I can't believe your friends this is acceptable