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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You Look Well

47 replies

Juniper74 · 07/07/2021 11:17

Is this weird/ depressing or is it just me?

I’ve been unwell over the last few months and have lost a fairly significant amount of weight.
For context my BMI has dropped from 21 to 19 so don’t think I looked unhealthy before I became ill.

I feel really dreadful, very sick and have no energy to do anything. I Go to work come home and sleep then repeat . I think I look awful, really haggard.

I am receiving treatment and follow up.

The number of people telling me “ you look well” (ie several times a week) I find a bit disturbing. What is that about? Does being thinner equate with being “well”

Just find it bizarre and don’t know how to respond when I’ve never in my life felt further from well…

Particularly uncomfortable when someone said this to me in front of my pre teen daughter.

OP posts:
lovelybitofsquirrell · 07/07/2021 11:20

I think so. My Nan and great aunt always says this to me when I've lost weight. I thought it was a generational thing to be honest. (Usually is also met with touching my waist) weirdos.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/07/2021 11:21

I always thought “you look well” was code for “you’ve put on weight”

Slimmingstar · 07/07/2021 11:24

I always thought it means you’ve put on weight.

LemonLemonLemon · 07/07/2021 11:26

Yea my DGM always used it to point out we’d put on weight.

I’m getting it daily now I’m pregnant, but I’m 100% certain I look like a tired, fat blob

MrsToothyBitch · 07/07/2021 11:30

I also associate "you look well" with "you look fat but I can't say that".

Original poster
Juniper74 · 07/07/2021 11:31

Yes it’s definitely something I can imagine older generations saying but surprised at younger people saying it.

Maybe once we’re mask free out of work and people can see my scrawny chicken face they’ll stop saying it!

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 07/07/2021 11:32

I always thought "you look well" equates to "you've put weight on"

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/07/2021 11:34

Apparently it really means "You look fatter" or "Are you pregnant?".

I was much happier when I just thought I must be looking particularly radiant!

Sisisimone · 07/07/2021 11:37

Yep, it means you've put on weight usually.

Maybe these people know how ill you've been and are trying to give you a boost

CowsEatingAtNight · 07/07/2021 11:37

I had a serious illness in my 30s which meant my BMI dropped significantly because the treatment made me nauseous and affected my appetite. I was having to try to get in calories from Complan and the like. I looked absolutely dreadful, looking at photos from back then underweight, pale, exhausted-looking, huge black rings under my eyes, thin hair but I had people continually saying I looked great and 'You've lost weight!' as if these two things were the same thing.

But what completely floored me is that when I told people that, yes, I'd lost weight because I was having treatment for Serious Illness X, they would continue to tell me I looked great because I'd lost weight.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 07/07/2021 11:38

Shock To the comments referencing putting on weight! I genuinely tell a person that they look well because I mean it, not as a hidden barb.

Sisisimone · 07/07/2021 11:40

Particularly uncomfortable when someone said this to me in front of my pre teen daughter
I'm not sure why someone saying you look well would make you feel uncomfortable in front of your daughter? People are probably happy you are up and about and recovering and are being supportive. Are you very conscious about the weight loss? You do sound a little paranoid about it when people are probably just trying to be nice

LittleG69 · 07/07/2021 11:43

I’ve lost around 3 stone over lockdown (I needed to) and 2 people recently have not mentioned the weight loss but did say ‘you’re looking well’

However someone else did say it a couple of years ago when I had probably put a stone on since he last saw me so it seems a bit of a ‘catch all’ phrase Hmm

ZaraW · 07/07/2021 11:43

I used to get this all the time when I was recovering from cancer treatment. I think people were just being kind as they knew I was having a rough time.

PleasantBirthday · 07/07/2021 11:47

I think it's a thing people say to be pleasant without giving it much thought/any particular reason.

Original poster
Juniper74 · 07/07/2021 11:49

Yes , I’m very sure it’s said with kind intent. ( making mental note never to tell anyone they look well!)

No one that knows what’s happening has said it so probably they think the weight loss is intentional.

Just felt uncomfortable in front of my daughter who has watched me struggling to eat anything / being sick for months.

OP posts:
Pinkandpink · 07/07/2021 12:02

ShirleyPhallus
My sister always takes offence if someone says that to her lol she thinks she’s put on weight. I don’t bother

PearlNextDoor · 07/07/2021 12:04

I don't think ''you look well'' = you have put on weight!
I think it means, everything is working for you, the hair cut, the shade of lipstick, the colour of your top....... va va voom.

I say this to people and I hope they haven't thought I meant they had put on weight.

CowsEatingAtNight · 07/07/2021 12:10

@Juniper74

Yes , I’m very sure it’s said with kind intent. ( making mental note never to tell anyone they look well!)

No one that knows what’s happening has said it so probably they think the weight loss is intentional.

Just felt uncomfortable in front of my daughter who has watched me struggling to eat anything / being sick for months.

Yes, I agree it's said with kind intent, but it's definitely concerning that the appearance associated with a serious illness is being greeted as 'looking well'. And in my own case, I was upfront about my illness and treatment with anyone who commented, so they knew I was very ill, and were still commenting approvingly on my weight loss, even though I looked like a dead person walking.
WeatherSystems · 07/07/2021 12:13

Lots of people just say it as a basic greeting. It doesn't actually mean anything. Some people say it when you've lost weight, or gained weight, or have made an effort, or had a haircut. But you have no way of knowing an person's individual intent without asking them (and even then they might not tell you truthfully).

Best to let this go.

Oceanbliss · 07/07/2021 12:14

@Juniper74Flowers Hugs for you and your daughter. It sounds like your health has been very hard for you both.

As for people saying you look well, I’m not sure what to say. During a time of illness and not long after surgery that I struggled to recover from, I had people saying ‘you look well’ too. It really puzzled me because it was far from true. There were other people who expressed concern and commented on how unwell I looked. I appreciated their empathy and honesty.

Maybe some people find illness confronting, uncomfortable and perhaps saying that you look well is a type of denial. I don’t know.

Hope you get get well soon. Flowers

DrSbaitso · 07/07/2021 12:16

Interesting. I get "you look well" when I've gained weight.

Please do get well soon.

DrSbaitso · 07/07/2021 12:17

Should clarify: I'm a size 12-14 usually, so not underweight.

WeatherSystems · 07/07/2021 12:21

@CowsEatingAtNight

If they knew you were really unwell and losing weight then 'you look well!' could have been their way of trying to boost your confidence, and say that you don't look too ill (even if you did)?

If people were actually just saying you looked great having lost weight then that's different and bad if they knew the reason!

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 07/07/2021 12:21

As well as the (gained or lost) weight observations, I think sometimes people do "you look well" to people who are/have actually recently been unwell, both:

  • out of genuine surprise because they'd expected you to look much worse; and
  • because they think hearing it will make you feel better ("at least I look all right even though I feel like shit"), whether or not it's true.

I also get a lot of "you look well" at this time of year because I tan quickly - any chance this is a factor for you too OP?

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