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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18year old moved out

32 replies

Idiotathome79 · 07/07/2021 09:01

So back story
Son and girlfriend 18&17

They didn't get on very well ,he would visit her and get me to text asking him to come home as he was fed up with being there , he would lie about seeing mates as she doesn't like it , she's very controlling and doesn't like him drinking , talking to anyone female etc
She is always running him down , doesn't want him following career ambitions .

Father's Day she broke up with him at 7pm then went off with another boy by Monday evening she was back with my son ,( he asked her )

He then told me Wednesday he was moving in with her ( she lives on a farm in a caravan)

I am devastated and think it's a stupid move obviously he's 18 and I can't stop him , but it's torn a massive whole in our lives ,
We are already going through a lot as a family
Stupidly I told him what I thought and said to him if he hadn't told everyone what she was saying / doing previous to this we may have had a different view .

Apparently he's the happiest he's ever been with her ,

I don't know how to move this forward my son in law won't talk to son because he's frustrated by it all ( previously he was close with him )
We have a birthday coming up soon and I am at a loss with what to do ,

OP posts:
giletrouge · 07/07/2021 09:07

He's very young. Can you still offer love and support and try and hold back on the disapproval? The likeliest thing is that he'll be back to you soon, and if he feels that you love him rather than that you're judging him, he's more likely to turn to you and come back rather than move on in another direction.
The most important thing is that his choices don't lead to potentially disastrous consequences, such as a pregnancy - is he intelligent about contraception, do you know?

Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2021 09:12

I am in the same situation with my dd 19 she has moved in with her manipulative controlling boyfriend who doesn’t even want us to know where she is living. We do as we drove round the area and saw her car but neither of them know that. I’ve given up try to reason with her that her relationship is unhealthy so just let her get on with it and tell her we love her in the hope when she finally sees sense she knows she can come to us

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 07/07/2021 09:25

@giletrouge he said the other day to me , when I told him him I can't sit and listen to hear belittling you all the time , and he replied with so what I don't bring her around what if we have children , I then said your not planning children are you ? And he went no , but I'm not certain she's from a very large family( 10 siblings ) which is why she's in a caravan .

He knows I love him , I explained that's why everyone's so upset because we do love him ,
I think there's a touch of asd in him ( his sister and father both have autism )

OP posts:
Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 07/07/2021 09:27

@Alfiemoon1 it's so hard isn't it , my relationship With his dad was coercive and all I can see is him making my mistakes took me 25 years to leave his dad ( that was April this year) so my mental health is very low , which isn't helping .

Wish you all the best with your daughter .

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 07/07/2021 09:30

He’ll be back in a couple of days when they fall out again.

Howcanthisbe123 · 07/07/2021 09:30

There isn’t anything you can do and no point saying as you “just don’t get it!”

This is one of those things they have to learn on their own, just ride the tide, he will be back, may it be 2 months or a year but he will be back.

Don’t say I told you so though, that hurts.

Howcanthisbe123 · 07/07/2021 09:32

Young love is naive, I almost miss it 😂

ShitPoetryClub · 07/07/2021 09:32

Do they work? If not how are they going to afford to live?

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 07/07/2021 09:39

Sit tight, let him know that you love him, and welcome him back when it all goes wrong, which it probably will. Eighteen year old do daft things (have been in those trenches!)
My advice is to maintain your relationship with him, even if it's just by sending him silly memes or pictures of the family pets.
All is not lost, though I'm sure it feels that way Flowers

zoemum2006 · 07/07/2021 09:47

Just let him know you wish him well and are so glad he’s happy. Just say it’s your job to worry about him but you do trust him.Tell him his bedroom is always his and he can stay whenever he wants.

I give it two weeks and he’ll be back.

Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2021 09:50

Do they work are they studying? Dd has isolated herself from her friends due to him she isn’t allowed out without him etc she’s at university ironically studying psychology lol so I am hoping when they go back in September to face to face she will make new friends and distance herself from him a bit

Hawkins001 · 07/07/2021 09:51

@Idiotathome79

So back story Son and girlfriend 18&17

They didn't get on very well ,he would visit her and get me to text asking him to come home as he was fed up with being there , he would lie about seeing mates as she doesn't like it , she's very controlling and doesn't like him drinking , talking to anyone female etc
She is always running him down , doesn't want him following career ambitions .

Father's Day she broke up with him at 7pm then went off with another boy by Monday evening she was back with my son ,( he asked her )

He then told me Wednesday he was moving in with her ( she lives on a farm in a caravan)

I am devastated and think it's a stupid move obviously he's 18 and I can't stop him , but it's torn a massive whole in our lives ,
We are already going through a lot as a family
Stupidly I told him what I thought and said to him if he hadn't told everyone what she was saying / doing previous to this we may have had a different view .

Apparently he's the happiest he's ever been with her ,

I don't know how to move this forward my son in law won't talk to son because he's frustrated by it all ( previously he was close with him )
We have a birthday coming up soon and I am at a loss with what to do ,

A 'll the best, I guess the Machiavelli perspectives would be, to appear to be on their side, fully helpful ect, even though I can understand your perspectives and frustrations and concerns. Then when or if, the relationship goes pickles, your d's hopefully will have seen you as supporting and helpful, ect.
Palavah · 07/07/2021 09:52

He's just c*ntstruck, give it time and be there for him to talk to.

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 07/07/2021 09:53

He works full time , she has a one night week job , is meant to attend college but doesn't like it so doesn't ,

I think her parents have offered rent free and will drive him to and fro work , till his girlfriend learns to drive .

He was meant to be learning but I'm not sure wether that will continue .

I hope your all right , although he's stubborn as hell .

OP posts:
pilates · 07/07/2021 09:55

Unfortunately you have to let him go and be there to pick up the pieces. Keep communication open and invite them for meals etc. I’m sure he will be back very soon.

giletrouge · 07/07/2021 10:01

he's stubborn as hell He's an 18 year old male; it's in the programming to be stubborn as hell, especially in resistance to his mother. He has to find himself, find out who he is. Just be there and give the best advice you can in the most unemotional neutral way.

Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2021 10:55

Not sure if dd is being stubborn or on a path of self destruction she’s making life so much harder for herself I hope your ds comes to his senses soon

Xmassprout · 07/07/2021 11:01

I would personally bite my tongue and just be there for him when he needs you.

I appreciate that doesn't seem very appealing, but the more you protest against their relationship, the more likely they're to try harder to make it work.

I was in a similar situation at a similar age, and my family let me get on with it after a while. After that it didn't take me too long to realise it was a rubbish situation, and went back to my family

Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2021 11:08

Oh that gives me some kind of hope Xmas thanks for sharing your experience

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 07/07/2021 12:01

Thank you , he just pooped in on his lunch break , but I am too emotional
Atm to talk ( like I said previously my mental health is seriously bad ) I think it just gonna take time .

He knows I love him and he's welcome home anytime , he said he didn't realise him moving out would be so bad , and that he feels if he comes home ( I haven't asked him too) then his girlfriends mental health will suffer .

I just hope your all right and eventually he'll see it for what it is .

Thanks again

@Alfiemoon1 good luck with your situation x

OP posts:
Skybluepinkgiraffe · 07/07/2021 12:16

Hugs Flowers
I thought it was the end of the world when my then 18yo DS moved out. He's been back and forth since ( at that age they are generally just playing houses, though we must never say that lol)
He's properly settled away from home now ( all of mine are) And we all still get along.
The emptying nest time is hard.

Mad4Max1 · 07/07/2021 12:21

Surely most parents expect their children to leave home
What age were you expecting ?
Lots of people go away to university at 18

Is it just where he has gone ?

user1471457751 · 07/07/2021 12:26

Has he had any support to talk about his upbringing given you say your husband (his dad) was coercive? Being raised his whole life in such a household may have had a negative impact on him

Alfiemoon1 · 07/07/2021 12:36

My dd had already moved into university accommodation first halls then a house share in her second year but despite paying for it and signing next years lease she moved in with her boyfriend of which I had to find out via Facebook

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 07/07/2021 12:37

@Mad4Max1 it's not the moving from home my eldest daughter lives with her partner ,
I am Worried about his choice there is loads more to the story that I could write , she won't let him play football , go out with his mates he had to remove his sisters best mate off of Facebook because she's blond and pretty ( he's known her since early years )
I do expect and accept my children need to leave home. It's just the situation.

@user1471457751 he was offered it as were the other children he had refused , the others took the help given .

OP posts:
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