Elderly Parent

[Gabbianni]

Gosh not sure where to begin, except I am 55, single, live in Dorset and have a good job, which I have had for 14 years. My mother is elderly and lives in Wales. Yes, she has some memory problems but keeps her house and herself spotless cooks healthy food and walks about 3 miles a day. Yes, my mother panics over the slightest thing, she has always been like that. I visit as much as I can, pay her phone bills and organize online shopping for her when needed, I do jobs around her house, or organise other people to do it when needed. I have offered to help her move closer to me and help her manage her finances, all of which she refuses. She assures me she has a doctor's advice that she does not have dementia. The trouble is I have been bullied by a friend of hers, basically saying that I must give up my job and take care of her; this is not the first time this has happened; it is so very upsetting and stressful, I have ADHD and have been advised by my doctor to take care, my panic attacks get bad sometimes. AIBU in not wanting to give up my job, it is a good one and there are no comparable ones in the area of Wales that she lives in, I have been looking for three years - I just do not know what to do and am panicked over the bullying.

you're not being unreasonable but what does the friend say is the problem. if they see her more often than you maybe they are aware of her health or problems more than you are ? maybe she does need additional help from someone else.

I think her friend should mind her own business. If anyone’s going to do any moving it should be your mum.

You know it's bullying, so call her on it. Her behaviour is not in fact that of a friend of your mother, sounds like her own issues. If she's that bothered, what help is she offering?

The friend sees her even less than I do but kindly said to me over the phone tonight that my mother hadn't got a clue what was going on. Seriously, I was in Wales two weeks ago visiting and my mother came on an 8 mile hike with me up the Welsh mountains, she's 81, we watched a football game and she was telling me what was going on.

I know she is lonely, I have tried to hook her up with clubs but she doesn't seem that interested. I phone her about 5 times a week, send her art materials for her painting (there is no art suppliers in the town she lives in. What gets me though (and this is not the first friend to bully me) they seem to forget that I have a father (my parents are divorced), he is 81 and has pulmonary fibrosis, he lives in Oxford, so my holiday time is spent on trains (I don't drive) visiting Oxford and Wales, I have done this for 14 years. I just wish people would not meddle but it does make me feel so bad.

Oh uou poor love. I'd say to the friend either:

• find me x job paying x salary and I'll think about it

Or

• my father's needs are just as great if not more so

• I'm also entitled to a life

Actually I wouldn't even bother to justify myself to her and would probably ignore her calls. I take it you're an only child?

Tell her friend to mind her own business. You have a life and tbh your mum sounds awesome if she can go on an 8 mile hike with you and commentate on the footie. I am a Carer for my mum who does have dementia. I have young kids etc so she lives with me. It is no easy task I can tell you. You sound like you are doing a wonderful job looking out for both your parents. It really has nothing to do with your mums friends at all! Are you the only child?

yes, forgot to mention that - it's all a bit pressured I suppose, have just blocked 'friend' from my email account, hopefully, there won't be any calls. I have tried to organise help for mam in Wales but she just point blank refuses, have even spoken to medical people down here (Dorset) and essentially, until there is a crisis nothing can be done. Deep down in my heart I get where my Mam is coming from, she's fiercely independent and I don't like her being treated like other people's pet project - the emails I get are along the lines of 'I need to talk to you urgently but you are not to tell your mother, which I find offensive. You are right though I shouldn't have to justify myself but I find myself having to.

yes, my Mam is pretty awesome

p.s. thank you for your lovely support, and my heart goes out to you being a carer, with children as well - you are awesome too!

Yes I am an only child top. It does put the pressure on when it's just you with ageing parents. I think doing what you are doing sounds just right. Keeping an eye on your mum and letting her keep her independence. You will notice if she is starting to struggle and needs more support.

Does she ever come to visit you in Dorset?

Well done in blocking..

how dare anyone DEMAND anything of you.. so feckin Rude..

Im literally aghast that anyone believes they are entitled to speak to you like this..

Even if you didn't have ADHD .. it's really irrelevant.. the answer is still and always the same .. MIND YOUR OWN BEES WAX..

Good on you for blocking them.. 🎉🌸

Carer here. (From Wales! I must say ,I wouldnt hike around these Welsh hills!
well done to you and your Mum, who is the same age as my Gran and sounds exactly like your Mum, Fabulous!)
You know your Mum (&Dad) better than everyone I"d imagine.
Remember that!
you will know what they may need and when!
You sound v.caring and I know how hard it must be to juggle your parents and your own life.
Give yourself a break and tell that bullying cockwomble to piss off!
Nos Da.x

Yes we'll done for blocking her!!

I just remembered ( it was 10 years ago!) after my father died and I was worried about mum on her own, I received a phone call from my god mother telling me what an awful daughter I was to my mother and that I only cared about my dad. Bla bla bla. She went on to tell me how crap I was until I put the phone down on her! I mean wtf? Your post has just reminded me of this. Some people really think they know exactly what everyone else should be doing and have no trouble saying it!

You sound wonderful and caring and yes please look after yourself as well.

I've been in a similar position as an only child caring at a distance for my dad. People can be very free with telling you what you should do as if it were all perfectly easy. So let me now do it to you, lol. Do not give up your job. You need your own life and you'll be around after your mum has gone, all being well. Block the emails and calls from this person. They aren't helping anyone.

I would say it's well worth doing your research for the future. Sheltered housing where your mum is and also near you. Get her to sign power of attorney if you can - it can be set up so it only takes effect after someone is diagnosed as having lost capacity - but it's so useful to know if she did become ill you could step in without a long court process. You never stop feeling guilty, I found. But don't let it actually force you to give up your own life and independence.

Gosh, it's a minefield out there, you all speak wise words. I just don't understand how people can talk like that, how dare someone say you are a crap daughter/son. If concerned surely there are better approaches? I know my mam is quite secretive, leaves things to crisis point etc. but I think many elderly people do this, its frightening letting go of your independence and I have discussed these things with Mam, at the end of the day-old or not they are human beings not parcels. my mother's independence one day will go but for the time being let her enjoy what there is. Seems I am not the only one - your support/advice is lovely, thank you

good advice, I tried on my last visit to discuss power of attorney but she would have any of it, weird really completely different from my Dad, that's all organised right down to what he would like for breakfast if he ended up in permanent care, at least I suppose I got my Mam's account on the vulnerable system, so she has a direct number to a human being if she is worried about her account. I must say though COVID has brought out some nasty people, who are these people who call the elderly trying to tell them their bank account is compromised and they must give their details over? Has anyone else had this, I bought Mam a whistle, simple and effective.

I'd tell her to drop dead.Twice! You sound like a wonderful daughter!

About the Power of Attorney maybe if you go down the line of if she becomes incapacitated due to dementia or anything else without POA you won't be able to manage her affairs. So basically they will be managed by the office of Care and Protection and you mightn't have any say. In other words some stranger will be saying what her money cam be spent on and the little luxuries she likes may not be allowed. That might be laying it on a bit thick but might work.
I know what you mean about unsolicited advice. My mum was very I'll in hospital and my dad had to go into emergency care. Some well meaning person when talking to them asked me would I not just leave my job and look after my parents. My husband's job at this time wasn't the most secure. My mum recovered well but unfortunately my dad died 7 months later. I would have been screwed if I had listened to them. I was able to take early retirement 5 years later which worked out so much better.

Sometimes, if a person is struggling with memory problems, the problems become 100 times worse if you move them from their familiar environment.
We're all creatures of habit to some extent, so those ingrained habits can keep us ticking along nicely for a time providing some well meaning individual doesn't try to move us to a "safe place", where we then don't know which way is up!
If you feel your Mum is looking after herself and her home and is content to stay where she is, just continue your current regime of monitoring from a distance.
Her friend has no right to attempt to guilt trip you into giving up work.
You sound like a lovely daughter, doing her best under difficult circumstances, and that's good enough.

Thank you all for posting - it really does make a difference - less lonely I suppose. I have discussed POA with my Mam explained what it means, explained that I already have full POA over my Dad in case anything happens, but she won't have any of it. I know all people have their foibles but my Mam is the most difficult person I have ever encountered. Four years ago she decided, very much against my advice, to become an administrator for an intestate estate. She wrote to the solicitors without me knowing and said that I would help her! I wrote to them and put them right in this matter. Anyway, things went horribly wrong and she ended up losinng most of her live savings, even during the eye of this storm she was extremely obstructive to any advice I offered, I became ill, the ADHD epsiodes became one long big one, I was medically advised to keep a distance and calm down - so, the point being, when she says no POA, there is little likelihood of this happening and I cannot keep battling like this. Part of the dialogue with this friend last night was a huge list of demands as to what I am going to do about resolving this intestacy case and how it is my responsibility, there was no acknowledgment as to why I had had to distance myself- I should add I have catastrophic tinnitus as well, so stress makes things worse, very slowly I feel like I am being pushed over the edge. I could cope within what I am capable of but other people's seeming insensitivity to the fact that I am a fallible human also is extremely upsetting, I just well I can't really describe it, but intrusive, looping thoughts figure highly for me. I have looked into retirement homes etc. for my Mam, even shown her areas, but there is a blank and immovable wall every time. I have contacted her local council but it all comes to the same thing unless she starts at least listening and considering these things, there is nothing I can do - it's not all hopeless though and I take much heart from your comments and support, many, many thanks

About the Power of Attorney maybe if you go down the line of if she becomes incapacitated due to dementia or anything else without POA you won't be able to manage her affairs. So basically they will be managed by the office of Care and Protection and you mightn't have any say.

OP can apply to the Court of Protection for Deputyship, which in effect is like LPA; but its more expensive and paperwork to get. If it's at all possible get LPAs, rather than leaving it until Deputyship is the only way forward!

In any event, when somebody doesn't have capacity, all decisions are supposed to be made in their best interests - they and their family should always have their views sought and taken into account.

DD doesn't have capacity and never has had, so LPA has never been an option. I am her appointee and handle all her finances; and best interests decisions are made about her all the time, with input from her and us.

However, having been a carer myself, my advice to OP would be the same as many pp - don't give up your career and life to be a full time carer to DM! It will literally wear you out and then you will have to seek help from Social Services anyway!

Block the bullying friend. Tell her to contact social services if she is concerned.

What I would do in your shoes though is to start to think ahead to the next stages. When they come, they can come quickly, often as the result of a fall or infection. Contact Citizen's Advice in her area and find out what services are available and what the local council calls them. With DGM, when DM and I described what she needed, the social worker swore blind that thing, whatever it was, didn’t exist. When we knew to ask for x, y or z, suddenly it was available after all.

Depending on what her council offers, she might be able to get a technology assessment, for example. There are ways of monitoring that she is ok with her consent from a distance, e.g. if she has a routine of always switching on an appliance like the kettle in the morning, the plug socket could ping your phone, either when she switches it on, so you know she's up and about as usual or if she doesn’t by a certain time, so you can check in on her.

That is genius, thank you I will contact Citizens Advice - would never have thought of that. Bullying friend is blocked, but have had bit of a past two days e.g. non-focus, non-sleep, so have made doc appointment and booked in for counselling with work, need to get my head in a calmer frame to deal with things. Tried to discuss POA with Mam, but its a no go area - discussed being in the driving seat, which would be her, but I would just be the passenger alongside to offer support etc. But I just give up on it, it is one of many conversations we have had over this; thing is she is fine in most areas its just the beaurocratic/organisation/finances she needs help with, but she sees it as a loss of independence - blimey I would love it if someone took over the organisation of my life so I could be creative (I work in the creative sector). Will try again over LPA, would even pay for it. But once again I am indebted to you all, for sound advice and support. The plan; calm my head space down, think rationally and put things in place ready to go. Hopefully my doctor can provide some sound advice as well........

Gosh, an hour and half on the phone to CAB, only to be told that no there is nothing I can do unless Mam agrees to it - looks like its mission impossible.