Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether my depression is causing these feelings?

27 replies

nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 21:45

I am a single mum to an 8 year old girl, I have a best friend who I consider to be like a sister. We are very, very close as are our children. However, recently I've just felt very taken for granted and tonight was the straw that broke the camels back.

I am always there for her and doing her favours, I commit to watch her toddler every week so she can work. When I pop in to see her I am always helping her with the kids or letting her pop to the shops whilst I stay with the kids. I send her nice cards when she is feeling down. She calls me daily, several times and most of the time I answer.

However, this past week her husband has been off of work, I have went from 3 + phone calls daily with her to zero, literally zero phone calls. This then got me thinking.

She never comes to my house to visit and will never offer to help me with my daughter unless I out and out ask her. She will invite a friend over for a nice dinner or drinks, whereas I don't get that, I just get to see her when she has the kids. It feels like she makes a nice effort for everyone else except me as I'm just taken for granted.

If I'm doing anything with my daughter like park, cinema etc I always offer to bring her son along and most of the time she takes me up on it. But tonight she said to me that tomorrow her, her husband, her son and her niece are going to a trampoline park and just never mentioned my daughter. This really hurt my feelings and this is the part I am not sure if I'm being ridiculous about.

The ways in which she is a good friend is that I know she will help me out if I really needed her, I can talk to her about anything and she won't judge me, she is funny and kind and thoughtful. I'm just feeling a little taken for granted.

My depression has not been good at all recently and I'm not sure if this is clouding my judgment. I'm taking everything really personally and feeling like a bit of an outsider everywhere I go.

OP posts:
Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 22:08

Bump

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 06/07/2021 22:12

I’d maybe take a step away from the friendship for awhile and see how much effort she makes without you doing all the running. Prioritise yourself for a bit, because you matter too.

Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 22:16

@user1471462428 thank you Smile

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/07/2021 22:19

It does sound one sided. It’s easy for both parties to slide into a pattern and she sees you as a cosy throw-on cardigan of a friend. I don’t think it’s your depression causing you to feel miffed, it sounds a genuine feeling of wondering how valued you actually are.

I don’t know if there’s any use to talking to her about it - rather, stay sunny but make a shift in your own decisions. Be less available and do less for her, but suggest planning fun things maybe,

Royalbloo · 06/07/2021 22:26

I only give what I am prepared to and expect nothing in return but it seems like you see her as family and she doesn't. I'd do as PP's have suggested and step back a bit - are you getting what you need from this friendship or being a martyr? X

Royalbloo · 06/07/2021 22:27

People only treat you as you allow yourself to be treated x

Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 22:40

@Royalbloo some of the time I feel like I'm fulfilled by the friendship but then other times I notice a shift and something happens (ie not including my daughter in plans) and I think to myself hmm this seems a bit one sided. However, I also wonder if I'm being ridiculous being hurt because my daughter didn't get an invite to a day out with her son and her niece, like she is allowed to have outings without my daughter so I feel I might be being hyper sensitive.

OP posts:
Mrstamborineman · 06/07/2021 23:00

You sound more invested in her than she with you.
The sad fact is if you keep offering some people will keep taking. Even if they have no intention of offering anything in return.
Stop offering. Ask yourself what do I get from this friendship??
Do you for example, feel good about helping someone? Is that what motivates you to help her? Or do you think helping her will build a friendship? If it is the latter, I think you are misjudging her.

Paddling654 · 06/07/2021 23:02

I also think you're giving too much and she seems to have got a bit too used to it. I hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 23:07

@Mrstamborineman I suppose I do it because yeah, if I can help someone out then I always will, it makes me feel good knowing I am helping someone (selfish as that sounds). I don't think helping her will build the friendship as there has been instances when I've said no sorry for genuine reasons and nothing has changed.

I don't really know what I get from the friendship, it's up and down but I feel like only I seem to notice. Sometimes we are really close but I feel like as soon as the weekend rolls around or her husband is off work then I'm just dropped. So then do I just not speak to her on days that she calls me? But then when would I speak to her? I just don't know how to navigate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 23:10

For instance, one of her husbands friends visits once every few months and he always brings her a bunch of flowers, and the kids toys etc. When it comes around to the friends birthday they always get him a really expensive gift and make a lot of effort etc but with me I get a card, which is fine but I just think so material things from the friend are appreciated yet me watching her daughter for 8 hours every week isn't, dropping her son in random ice creams when passing, all the things I help her with none of it is appreciated.

OP posts:
gah2teenagers · 06/07/2021 23:12

Just a thought with covid etc. Maybe it’s a one parent one child activity? We can only have one to one at our toddler gym ?

gah2teenagers · 06/07/2021 23:14

Think I would back off a bit with the childcare for her. It does seem very one sided sadly.

SunshineCake · 06/07/2021 23:14

Do you think she would have asked your dd if she hadn't been taking her niece? Maybe three kids is too much for her to manage.

ssd · 06/07/2021 23:18

She's a bit of a user,sorry.

BumbleFlump · 06/07/2021 23:23

You’re giving too much, unless she repays the favour equally, she is using you for free childcare

Cowbells · 06/07/2021 23:24

You are a convenience friend. I would back off a bit and encourage your daughter to mix with a wider social circle too. If she is a genuine friend she will get in touch and make an effort with some invitations to things where she shows her appreciation of you. If not, she'll send a couple of guilt-trip texts but make no effort herself.

Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 23:28

The thing is though if I back off or cut her off then she will eventually just ask me what is wrong then should I tell her how I'm feeling I'd worry she'd think I'm being a drama Queen/oversensitive and that it would make things really awkward.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 06/07/2021 23:45

It doesn't matter why you're having the feelings; the fact is that you do feel that way. If it's because of depression, your friendship still has to feel ok to you anyway.

I've just seen that you're worried about appearing to be over-sensitive. There is no such thing. You are exactly the right level of sensitive for you. You might have boundaries in place that are higher than usual, you might worry more than you normally would, or more than some other people, but that's who you are. You have reasons for those things. Respect your own feelings. If you don't, the feeling of disrespect, when it comes from inside you, is very debilitating. It can cause depression, in fact.

If anybody says that you are too sensitive, what they are saying is that you are too sensitive for their preferences. They want to be able to carry on doing what they're doing, without you whinging on that it's making you feel bad. They don't care how you feel. They just want you to stop feeling it, or stop telling them about it.

Let your feelings guide you. Here is a good, simple way: If somebody does something that bothers you, tell them. If they carry on regardless, leave them.

The trick isn't to be the right level of 'sensitive' (or anything else) to fit other people's needs. The trick is to spend a high proportion of your time with people who accept and respect how you feel. And, given that the person you spend the most time with is you, you need to be really good at accepting and respecting how you feel.

If you get something out of helping people, help yourself. You're a person. You are experiencing depression, so you could do with some support. Step one: start spending less time with people who make you feel like your feelings aren't worth respecting.

Original poster
nigellabrigade · 06/07/2021 23:51

@TheFoundations that was a really lovely post and very informative, thanks for that Smile I will take on board everything you wrote.

OP posts:
Mrstamborineman · 07/07/2021 08:49

You are a weekday friend, that gets weekends off.
It can be hurtful knowing you are plan b on someone’s priority list. However you don’t know why that is. Her husband might be a controlling arse for all we know.

Fairyliz · 07/07/2021 09:28

I’m another one who thinks she is using you.
I would be less available for the childcare, perhaps you are feeling ill the next time she asks or have things to do around your home.

See what happens then and you will find out if she is a user or just a bit thoughtless.

ssd · 07/07/2021 09:30

@TheFoundations, great post

ssd · 07/07/2021 09:34

Ive got a friend like this @nigellabrigade
I call her my lockdown friend...during lockdown went walking a lot or met outside for coffee, i knew it was because she couldn't see all her family or friends outside the area...now restrictions are lifted i hardly see her. But i kind of expected it so I'm not too surprised....still hurts a bit when you know you need someone more than they need you.

museumum · 07/07/2021 09:39

Do you offer all these favours and treats spontaneously? It sounds like you do and that you’re very very giving. You can still enjoy your friendship without being quite so giving. Just dial it back slightly to a more equal footing and put your own needs first at times. It feels almost like you’re trying to “woo” her with all the treats and favours.

But I do think it’s natural she’s prioritising time with her dh when he’s off work. That’s important for marriage.

Swipe left for the next trending thread