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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I right to call him out on this?

42 replies

ImNotDaveGorman · 06/07/2021 17:16

So, this happened a few years ago, but it recently came up in a conversation with friends (some agreed with me, some didn’t) so I’m curious to know what others think.

I used to work with a man.
We were discussing me attending my friends wedding (male friend marrying another man) and how the couple were planning to adopt a child.

This man from work said it was terrible and he didn’t agree with gay marriage. He says marriage was a religious ceremony, and while he is not religious himself he believes marriage should only be between a man and a woman.
I told him that I was married and we are not religious/had a non-religious ceremony but he said that was different as I am straight.

He then said that a gay couple adopting a child should be considered abusive. That the child will end up badly bullied.
I brought up single parent families etc. He said that’s fine, but adoption should only be between a man and a woman.

He was talking about the USA and LOVED Donald trump-he’s just what the country needed, the Uk needs someone like him and he believes in real family values.

I told him I completely disagree with everything he said. I have a few gay friends and I know a lot of them are married/planning on marriage etc. He spoke over me and kept telling me he has more information on the matter than me.

Now-the reason why he said that (and the reason my friend thought i was wrong to question him)....is because he is openly gay himself and has a long term partner. He says gay rights are important (no discrimination at work etc), but that does not include marriage families.
He said he was bullied as a child when he first came out, and believes any child in a gay household would be bullied.

IANBU-I was right to call him out, the same as I would if a straight person said gay people should not be allowed to be married

IABU-a gay person knows more about this than a straight person.

OP posts:
ForeverSausages · 06/07/2021 17:18

You don't even need to ask if YABU. You're obviously not.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 06/07/2021 17:20

He seems very homophobic for a gay man.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2021 17:20

Why call him out at all? Regardless of his orientation. He's allowed to have his own opinion, and you're entitled to disagree with him. Him not agreeing with you doesn't hurt you or anyone else. Getting into a pissing contest with a colleague is pointless and will only lead to issues.

chickenyhead · 06/07/2021 17:22

No you weren't unreasonable, he needs to move with the times. Being gay is not shameful or wrong. It never should have been.

Hankunamatata · 06/07/2021 17:24

He is allowed to have his opinion, and you to have your opinion. I agree with you though

chickenyhead · 06/07/2021 17:27

He was being homophobic. I don't care if he is gay, the equality act covers civil partnerships etc

claralara42 · 06/07/2021 17:30

What does "call him out mean"? Shout him down? Tell him off?
He is allowed his opinion as much as you are, even if his opinion is fucking stupid, he' can still have it.
Why not just say you don't agree but don't want to discuss it further? If you were at work, it was inappropriate to be arguing about your opinions anyway.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/07/2021 17:31

Being straight doesn't mean you know everything about heterosexual relationships. Same goes for being gay. There was no point arguing with him though.

Holly60 · 06/07/2021 17:33

If he was giving an opinion based on his own experiences you couldn’t have ‘called him out’ so I’m guessing he was making judgemental comments about other people’s choices, in which case YANBU

SilenceOfTheNaans · 06/07/2021 17:35

Internalised homophobia isn't uncommon.

ImNotDaveGorman · 06/07/2021 18:11

So I’ll just clear a few things up. No, there was no shouting or screaming.
He asked how my weekend was as he had seen I was tagged in a post on social media (the wedding).
He then told me how he felt.

When I say “call him out” it was telling him I completely disagree with him, that I thought his opinions were homophobic, especially as he advocates for gay rights. He told me he can’t be homophobic as he was gay.
I also told him that him being bullied was both awful and wrong, but that we can’t stop gay people getting married/having children just incase someone bullied them.

The conversation ended quickly, and there was no falling out.
I know I’m not unreasonable for my opinion. I wanted to know if I was unreasonable to tell him I disagreed with him.

OP posts:
Sloaneslone · 06/07/2021 18:17

So you simply told him you disagreed?

I think you did the right thing. I definitely think you can be gay and homophobic. But I am guessing some serious trauma regarding being bullied has made him feel the way he does. The homophobia is, perhaps, coming from a different place than usual.

Regardless of wether he is gay or not or why he thinks that way, he shouldn't have been sharing those views at work.

TreeSmuggler · 06/07/2021 19:00

Ywnbu to tell him you disagreed. However I would have shut the conversation down after that (which it sounds like you did), whereas if it was a straight person I probably would have been a little more forceful in my disagreement, so I see where your friend is coming from.

I'm sure he didn't care though, as a trump loving, anti gay rights person in the UK he must have people disagreeing with him every day of his life so he must be used to it.

wed8pril · 07/07/2021 18:00

Just because he's gay doesn't mean he can't be homophobic. Or a twat.

Pieinthesky11 · 08/07/2021 03:30

I think it was probably really good for him to hear your perspective, he sounds a bit damaged tbh

arcof · 08/07/2021 03:48

I hate all this "phobic" nonsense - you are gay but don't think gay people should get married, you're not PHOBIC of gay people, you just have an opinion which you're entitled to. Unless you're going around heckling newly married couples or intimidating them or attacking them how does his opinion impact anyone at all? It's his right to think and feel what he wants. It's such a lazy put down these days, everyone is "phobic" for having a viewpoint than differs from what one is "supposed" to think. Call him intolerant or behind the times but homophobic is ridiculous.

Anyway no OP you were not unreasonable, it's fine to disagree with someone.

1forAll74 · 08/07/2021 04:05

You can tell him, or anyone, that you disagree with them and their view points.. But if people keep ramming it down your throat about themselves being right all the time, you just have to ignore that kind of babble.

Peoniesandpeaches · 08/07/2021 04:28

Yes you were right. Being LGBT doesn’t mean he gets to speak for all of us especially those of us who have worked hard for the right to marry who we love. Also there are a number of studies showing that children of same sex parents do just as well as those of heterosexual couples so he is talking out of his backside.

Chunkymenrock · 08/07/2021 04:32

Why do you sanctimoniously need to 'call him out'? It's his opinion only, which is up to him, just as you have yours. I have a similar opinion to his regarding gay marriage but I don't broadcast it and it certainly doesn't mean I have any problem with gay people and need to be spoken to. Marriage means different things to different people.

Nothingyet · 08/07/2021 05:04

If he thinks Donald Trump represents family values he has got issues, full stop.

3scape · 08/07/2021 06:47

He sounds like a very conflicted person. I'm familiar with the idea that marriage should be rejected as a religious/ straight concept - Too much part of "mainstream" and be inherently offensive and unsuitable for anyone outside the straight patriarchal monotheistic norm, that trying to fit in is a betrayal. That marriage serves a purpose for oppression and enforcing straight norms.

I'm used to people internalising blame for bullying, which it sounds like he did.

He is wrong to suppose every gay person feels the same as him.

I don't think there's a resolution about either. One is ideological the other is his fear and baggage.

You're both wrong to argue at work.

tallduckandhandsome · 08/07/2021 07:14

Of course YANBU, he doesn't speak for all gay people.

wed8pril · 08/07/2021 07:35

@arcof

I hate all this "phobic" nonsense - you are gay but don't think gay people should get married, you're not PHOBIC of gay people, you just have an opinion which you're entitled to. Unless you're going around heckling newly married couples or intimidating them or attacking them how does his opinion impact anyone at all? It's his right to think and feel what he wants. It's such a lazy put down these days, everyone is "phobic" for having a viewpoint than differs from what one is "supposed" to think. Call him intolerant or behind the times but homophobic is ridiculous.

Anyway no OP you were not unreasonable, it's fine to disagree with someone.

Of course being against gay marriage and adoption is homophobic. It means you think homosexuality is lesser that heterosexuality.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/07/2021 08:39

I mean he can believe what he wants but actual studies show that children of gay parents are not any more likely to be bullied than anyone else

IMNOTSHOUTING · 08/07/2021 09:08

YANBU OP. He chose to get into the debate so he should be able to listen to your opinions. It does sound a bit like he has issues relating to his sexuality which may be informing his opinions but that doesn't mean he can't be treated like an adult.

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