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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I right to call him out on this?

42 replies

ImNotDaveGorman · 06/07/2021 17:16

So, this happened a few years ago, but it recently came up in a conversation with friends (some agreed with me, some didn’t) so I’m curious to know what others think.

I used to work with a man.
We were discussing me attending my friends wedding (male friend marrying another man) and how the couple were planning to adopt a child.

This man from work said it was terrible and he didn’t agree with gay marriage. He says marriage was a religious ceremony, and while he is not religious himself he believes marriage should only be between a man and a woman.
I told him that I was married and we are not religious/had a non-religious ceremony but he said that was different as I am straight.

He then said that a gay couple adopting a child should be considered abusive. That the child will end up badly bullied.
I brought up single parent families etc. He said that’s fine, but adoption should only be between a man and a woman.

He was talking about the USA and LOVED Donald trump-he’s just what the country needed, the Uk needs someone like him and he believes in real family values.

I told him I completely disagree with everything he said. I have a few gay friends and I know a lot of them are married/planning on marriage etc. He spoke over me and kept telling me he has more information on the matter than me.

Now-the reason why he said that (and the reason my friend thought i was wrong to question him)....is because he is openly gay himself and has a long term partner. He says gay rights are important (no discrimination at work etc), but that does not include marriage families.
He said he was bullied as a child when he first came out, and believes any child in a gay household would be bullied.

IANBU-I was right to call him out, the same as I would if a straight person said gay people should not be allowed to be married

IABU-a gay person knows more about this than a straight person.

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 08/07/2021 09:10

Does it really matter now?

ChainJane · 08/07/2021 09:21

I don't think you can call him homophobic for being against gay marriage. Homophobia is the fear, mistrust or dislike of homosexuals. How can you say he is fearful of, doesn't trust or dislikes gay people if he is gay himself?

I mean, he sounds like a bit of a cunt and everything, but not a homophobe.

Of course being against gay marriage and adoption is homophobic. It means you think homosexuality is lesser that heterosexuality.

Not necessarily. You might just think it is different (which obviously it is, it means you find people of the same sex attractive rather than the opposite). Using the argument that considering two things to be different means you dislike or disapprove of one doesn't really work. Roast chicken is different to pizza but I like both.

Muminabun · 08/07/2021 09:24

You had a normal discussion with someone who has different views with you and they explained their reasoning for their different views. No need to demonise him op. You disagreed like adults. Go forth in life.

Mrstamborineman · 08/07/2021 09:32

You know yanbu. Posts like this are about signally how great you are.

wed8pril · 08/07/2021 10:04

@ChainJane

I mean, he sounds like a bit of a cunt and everything, but not a homophobe.

Of course being against gay marriage and adoption is homophobic. It means you think homosexuality is lesser that heterosexuality.

It means you thing same sex couples should not be entitled to the same legal rights and opposite sex couples. That's homophobic to me.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/07/2021 10:05

@Aquamarine1029

Why call him out at all? Regardless of his orientation. He's allowed to have his own opinion, and you're entitled to disagree with him. Him not agreeing with you doesn't hurt you or anyone else. Getting into a pissing contest with a colleague is pointless and will only lead to issues.

Omg. So this.

Justilou1 · 08/07/2021 10:12

Gay people internalize homophobia too, either through life experience, unrealized religious beliefs, their own bullying coming back to haunt them, trying to “act straight” rather than just owning who they are for so much of their lives…. Discrimination affects them within their own community too. There are so many subcultures that judge each other very harshly. I don’t think you can change someone’s mind simply by talking to them. That happens over time, and through experience. I think your friend’s mind is firmly made up and not open to to change. You would have been wasting your breath. I don’t think you’re wrong though.

londonscalling · 09/07/2021 12:12

@Aquamarine1029

You should ALWAYS call people out of homophobic or racist remarks!!!!

Bryonyshcmyony · 09/07/2021 12:21

Why? Not everything has to be a fight. Just go home and moan about him.

chickenyhead · 09/07/2021 12:32

Silence condones such behaviour.

Bryonyshcmyony · 09/07/2021 12:34

Yes I agree and if it was constant ebry time you saw them I'd say something mild probably but honestly it's his opinion which he's entitled to

Youdiditanyway · 09/07/2021 12:36

Trump isn’t a great example of a ‘decent family man’ if that’s the route he was going down. He’s been married 3 times and has 5 children to 3 women, he’s also had numerous well known affairs over the years. His whole argument was baseless and flawed, terribly homophobic. They do say most homophobes are actually gay and struggling to come to terms with it. Whilst he is openly gay, he may still struggle with this hence the hatred.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 12:41

@chickenyhead

No you weren't unreasonable, he needs to move with the times. Being gay is not shameful or wrong. It never should have been.

He doesn’t need to do anything. He doesn’t approve of gay marriage or gay parents. He’s perfectly entitled to hold that opinion. Just as anyone else is entitled to disagree with him.

wed8pril · 09/07/2021 12:45

@Bryonyshcmyony

Yes I agree and if it was constant ebry time you saw them I'd say something mild probably but honestly it's his opinion which he's entitled to

He's entitled to his opinion, OP is entitles to think he's a homophobe.

lanthanum · 09/07/2021 16:41

"He said he was bullied as a child when he first came out, and believes any child in a gay household would be bullied."

I think this has changed massively. An older lady expressed concern to me about a male-male couple we knew who had just had a child by surrogacy. Her concern was principally that the child would be bullied. I explained to her that there were quite a lot of families with gay parents now, and that the other children don't see any problem with it - my DD would come home from school referring to "one of Joe's mums". The woman I was talking to was quite surprised, but greatly reassured. It's a huge change from even 20 years ago, so I can understand that someone might find it difficult to believe if they're just going off their own experience.

tillytoodles1 · 09/07/2021 19:56

I had a female friend who was openly gay. We went out for a meal one night, her and her girlfriend, me and my husband and another lesbian friend of hers. Sat at the table opposite us were two guy men holding hands across the table and they were sniggering at them, saying look at that pair holding hands.
It was because they were being openly affectionate in public as apparently this isn't allowed.

tillytoodles1 · 09/07/2021 19:57

Gay not guy.

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