Not bothering to respond to Rsvp

[Eatyouroatsplease]

Is this really rude?

I sent out an invite (via Whataspp & Fb) a few weeks ago for my DD’s birthday party, with a follow up message this past weekend. Party is in a few days, around half responded, thanking me and saying if they could or couldn’t come, some straightaway, some a few days later, no problem at all, life is hectic with kids.
But around half (perhaps a bit less) just haven’t responded at all (they’ve seen both messages)
Aibu to find this a bit rude?
I’m assuming this means they can’t come? 🤷🏻‍♀️I need to know numbers for party bags etc, I’m doing them today, should I just not include them?
Why would they leave it so long? I don’t know, for me, I’d respond either way to let the person know and to thank them for the invitation.

It's very rude but it's so easy to do. I would send another message saying 'I need to know numbers by x date so please let me know if your dd/ds can come by then so I can add them to the numbers, thanks.'

It’s not a pay per head type party like soft play, it did have to change from a very organised party to a cake sharing, play date type party due to covid, so it ‘Is’ more relaxed, but I’m still getting food and drinks and party bags/treats etc.
I have a feeling some may say no at the last minute and are waiting for that, I don’t know, I guess we’re all different but I’d definitely have thanked for the invitation and even said could I get back to them at a later date or said if I could or couldn’t go. I find it weird that people are that disorganised, it literally takes a minute to reply

This is incredibly rude and it is so inconvenient for you. I have had that happen a lot of times (three children, years of birthday parties). I honestly don’t think people mean any bad, they just are disorganised. I am ashamed to admit that I have done it once or twice when the logistics of our weekends have been difficult (sport fixtures where timings are communicated last minute).

In the beginning I was upset and took it personally. These days I just chase the ones who haven’t replied with a personal text message “Hi, just checking that you have seen the party invite? Hope X can come. Please let me know. Regards, Hoover”.

@UserAtLarge I sent the first message 3 weeks in advance just to give a heads up, but also did a follow up/reminder message this weekend gone, which is 5 days before.
I sent both invites to Fb and WhatsApp, but group messages, individual 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not sending a follow up message, I just hope extras don’t turn up 🙈😬
Also, what do you do about the ones who say thank you and that they ‘Hope’ to make it? That’s preparing you for a no, isn’t it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because life?

Sorry, but that is a pathetic excuse @Heronwatcher. I totally get that some people can't commit so far ahead - shift working, babysitting etc, but it takes just seconds to message back to say "can I let you know nearer the time?"

I think it is very rude and inconsiderate to not ackonowledge and invitation. Often people who do this are waiting for a better offer, which says a lot about them.

IMO this is typical of the cancel culture these days.

It's very rude of them and frustrating for you.
I had the same for my daughters birthday party and had no idea how many were going to turn up. Funnily enough they all turned up so it's a good job I catered for them 😡

You need to do whatever you think is best OP. I do agree that it is rude and you are justified in dealing with it whichever way you like.

I never do Facebook or WhatsApp invites. I don’t have Facebook and the one time I did a WhatsApp invite it was for a party which was last minute (think 6 days). On Saturday morning I thought it would be 7-ish people coming. On Saturday evening I had 15-ish so I relaxed. On the Sunday, 22 turned up. 🤷‍♀️

In this case, I only chased the 5-6 closest friends as I knew they were the most important to DD. I also found the WhatsApp invite less personal so worried that people wouldn’t be as quick to answer.

I usually do a paperless post invite via email. It comes with a virtual personalised invitation card. It automatically chases for reply about a week ahead and reminds people that they have replied “attending” a couple of days before the party. Then I chase whomever hasn’t replied a few days in advance.

But again, we all do things differently and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

YANBU - it is extremely rude, and I don't buy the "because life" excuse either. I agree with a pp, I wouldn't be inviting those who couldn't be bothered replying in future. Even if people aren't sure if they can attend or not it would take seconds to tell you that.

Yanbu, it’s incredibly rude and anyone with extenuating circumstances like not knowing their work schedule until the last minute should just let you know that rather than ignoring you!

It's so rude! I never understood parents who do this, I always RSVP straight away. Maybe they are not 100% sure if they can make it, but in any case they should let you know.

I also think that we never know what goes on in people’s lives.

I find birthday party invitations incredibly stressful (you would never guess from speaking to me, I am always very polite and enthusiastic).

I am constantly tired due to a heart condition (which I don’t tell people about). We have three children, all primary school age. They all have one activity each on Saturday and Sunday. Sundays are usually sports fixtures so if I am lucky I know time and place. If I am unlucky, I will find out on Wednesday where in the county the game is and what time (usually any time between 9am and 1pm).

This weekend DH is away but we luckily don’t have any parties. When we do, I am so exhausted that I stumble into my pyjamas at 5pm (provided that I am home).

I almost alway answer immediately even if only to say that I am looking at logistics. I have to confess to going more out of my way (check if my child can go with/being picked up by another parent) if the party is for any child I have previously heard the name of (as in play dates, my children talking about this child, etc).

Again, you would never guess this from speaking to me. I am all about replying quickly and saying “how lovely with a party, DC is so excited, thank you so much”. And I do mean it because I know how much my children loves celebrating with their friends. But I find the relentless logistics horrific and I have all sympathy in the world for other who feel the same way.

Is this your first proper kids party?

Sadly, it’s very common for some parents to not respond at all and was always like this, long before WhatsApp and text messaging was available.

In my experience of kids parties over a very long time (oldest 30, youngest 10) and confirmed by reading threads like yours over the years, there’s a fairly common pattern.

1. A couple of invitees never respond but will turn up on the day. Particularly a problem when it’s a venue needing exact numbers.
2. Someone who had confirmed will drop out but won’t bother to tell you.
3. A flustered parent will arrive and dump younger siblings along with invited child and do a runner before you’ve realised you have an extra much younger child that won’t be comfortable joining in.
4. At least one parent will arrive more than an hour after the agreed end time to collect their child/children and breezily ignore your protestations about lateness.

All of the above has happened to me and I learnt to only invite 2 friends max to a specific activity as soon as my child was old enough to choose.

YANBU. It's common decency when someone needs numbers to sort out food, party bags etc.

Because life 🙄

Yes, it’s incredibly rude. Most of us are incredibly busy juggling work, family commitments, caring responsibilities, volunteering, hobbies, friends, household chores and all manner of things. Somehow we manage to find the time to send a 30 second text to say ‘Jimmy would love to come/can’t make it to Timmy’s party, thanks’ - even if you have to send that text from the loo.

I used to add ‘RSVP before X date* and leave off anyone who hasn’t replied. If you don’t know by that date if you can make it then I expect you to say no - I’m not hanging on until you get yourself organised. There was occasionally someone who just turned up though - bloody nightmare parents.

So rude and inexcusable. Not just confined to children’s parties either. People are just as inconsiderate when replying to wedding invitations.

@grapewine

Did you include a date to RSVP by? I think that's key.

It's annoying though, I understand that.

Yes this is key. I've seen posts on here about RSVP's for weddings too

If you haven't heard anything by xxx date then it's taken as a No

My kids are all grown up now ( in the days when you put invitations in school bags) but I remember this happening all the time.
I learned eventually to always write "pls RSVP by x date, or I'll assume you can't make it" after the kids had filled in the details.
Seems a bit abrupt but it generally worked.

@Ponoka7

I'm currently babysitting for someone on agency who gets their shifts on the day. My DD is having to grab any extra hours she can. Not everyone can commit ahead of time. Message again. Personally I'd make party bags just sweets and be a bit more relaxed.

Then surely youd reply and let the host know you wont be able to confirm til the last minute? You dont just ignore the message.

@Killahangilion Yes, first party 🤣it’s that obvious, had no idea it was like this, I’m trying not to take it personally too.
I’m quite a relaxed person, but don’t feel that relaxed with not knowing who might be there, my worst thought is people just turning up 🙈I mean, would you just turn up without replying 🤷🏻‍♀️Just seems bizarre, do people forget and think they’ve replied or not think that they should reply?
I even said in the second message ‘Please let me know if you are able to come’

Foolishly, I didn’t include an RSVP date 😬rookie error

@Heronwatcher

Because life? Maybe some people have muted the WhatsApp? Maybe some people had to check other plans and then forgot. Yes it is a bit rude but unlikely to be intentional. Send another message reminding people and indicate that if you haven’t had a yes you’ll assume a no. But bear in mind some people might turn up anyway. Unless it’s a pay per person event I would just cater for a few more to be safe.

Completely agree, so many entitled people who seem to think life revolves them and their plans.

Put a date on to accept by, that way you know and aren't left with an open end.

It’s so annoying. When we did dd’s party (pre-COVID) I invited the whole class. Hardly any of them replied and, even asking them on the school run, no one was confirming. I think I had maybe 5 firm replies. On the day, every single one of them turned up. I mean, I’m glad they came but it was so stressful not knowing. I’m just lucky I did enough party bags for everyone but I did have to order come pizzas, along with the food I’d done, because I wasn’t sure who was coming. It’s so rude and I’m sure they wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

How would you interpret:

‘We’ll try to be there’

And

‘We hope to be there’

🤷🏻‍♀️

Two responses I’m guessing likely won’t turn up?

I would get back to them and say ‘I need to know definite numbers by X date so unfortunately will have to assume you’re unable to make it if you’re not able to confirm for definite by then’.

Looking through my messages, there are around 12 that have seen the message, but just literally not replied! I’m taking them as a no, I’d find it really rude if they didn’t message by the day and just turned up!