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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I’m a shit friend?

37 replies

BurberryWeather · 05/07/2021 20:37

I’m unsure if I am too sensitive, I try not to be but I struggle especially right now at a low point in my law.

Friend in a relationship continuously asks me if I’m on tinder. No idea why as I don’t bring up being single. Or she asks if I’m talking to anyone and when I respond with no I get a “aww” sad face. Or when a different friend wanted to set me up with someone she said having looked at his photo that he “looked up himself”

Or when I was upset about receiving an average appraisal at work that’s when she decides to tell me how she got a pay rise without being told and it was backdated 6 months.

Or I was thinking of getting cosmetic surgery and she said please don’t turn into one of those girls that always takes photos of herself on Instagram. I am far far far from this and extremely self conscious so should she not be happy to see me being confident for once in my life? ( not that I would do the Instagram thing)

She’s honestly better than me in every single aspect. Not feeling sorry for myself, it’s just a fact.

Anyway I treated myself to a new car last year and she’s done nothing but go on about now she wants a new car. The yesterday she randomly text me to send me a video of the Mercedes she’s just bought with a OMG look what I just got. Literally going out of her way to show off.

Coming to why I’m a shit friend .. but I can’t even bring myself to respond to the message to just say congratulations. I know it makes me an awful person.

Am I being awful? I will obviously respond at some point,

OP posts:
WombatStewForTea · 05/07/2021 20:39

Someone is a shit friend in this friendship and it isn't you!
She sounds really insecure and annoying

HomerSimpsonsDonut · 05/07/2021 20:42

Christ, your friend is insecure!

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Have you tried to "grey rock" her? I was once recommended on here to do that. Look it up on Google to get more info (because I'm terrible at explaining what it is!) I honestly think it would help in this situation x

Gladiolys · 05/07/2021 20:44

You’re not awful. She’s a tedious bitch. Ditch her, you deserve better!

LakeShoreD · 05/07/2021 20:47

It’s perfectly ok to step back from a friendship if it’s not making you feel good about yourself. How old are you? She sounds very immature (unless she’s 17 at which point it’s maybe excusable) and very insecure. I seriously doubt she’s better than you. Have you seen the Mercedes episode of Friday Night Dinner? Grin

PurpleSunrise · 05/07/2021 20:47

She’s the shit friend not you! Personally I’d leave the reply for a while then go with a very bland and unexcited “cool, it’s nice getting a new car isn’t it”

Babygotblueyes · 05/07/2021 20:53

Nope, you got a one-upper on your hands. Some people only feel good about themselves if they can prove they are better than you. Or have more. etc etc. If you come across another like that, walk away!

FunMcCool · 05/07/2021 20:54

Stop responding altogether. You may find your confidence improves massively.

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 05/07/2021 20:57

“cool, it’s nice getting a new car isn’t it”

This ^^

Damn with faint praise.

She’s not your friend, by the way. Do with that information what you will.

Original poster
BurberryWeather · 05/07/2021 20:57

Oh thank you - just reading the grey rock method now and it’s very interesting. I just feel like she always wants to be in a competition with me - but she’s like Shergar and I’m a 3 legged donkey. There just is no competition.

I also just thought of another instance. I really wanted to move to a particular area but it was just out of my price range. She then decided to tell me that was an area she looking to move to, but then didn’t but said it’s so close to that area that we can have nights out there all the time and stay at hers.

When it’s factually geographically closer to me Confused

OP posts:
SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 05/07/2021 20:59

She sounds rather pathetically insecure.

tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 21:01

She sounds awful. Fade her out.

veganmayo · 05/07/2021 21:01

She sounds like the kind of friend who prefers you when you’re unhappy and insecure (which is no friend at all).

Original poster
BurberryWeather · 05/07/2021 21:02

@Babygotblueyes

Nope, you got a one-upper on your hands. Some people only feel good about themselves if they can prove they are better than you. Or have more. etc etc. If you come across another like that, walk away!
I think you’re right. Basically my car for years was an actual rust pile, it was so bad that the windows stopped going up - that was a coooold winter haha. So I genuinely treated myself to something that was a massive improvement.

Before then she had the nice car and I genuinely believe the car thing was probably the only thing I had that was better than hers.

I’m not saying she bought a new car specifically to one up me but I felt the texting me straight away with a video was just Hmm. She’s having people over the weekend after next so I was always going to see the new car very soon anyway.

OP posts:
grapewine · 05/07/2021 21:04

You're not the one who's a shitty friend in this scenario.

thisplaceisweird · 05/07/2021 21:06

She's not your friend. Friends are happy for you when nice things happen and they listen and support you when things aren't great.
She's using every opportunity to convince herself she's better than you be because she has poor self esteem. True friends want their friends to do better than them and for them all to have nice lives and be happy.

Original poster
BurberryWeather · 05/07/2021 21:07

Oh and I just wanted to say that I genuinely don’t begrudge my friends being happy and successful. Sometimes it might make me feel a bit sad in terms of oh I wish that could happen for me too, like a new job when I’ve been applying for so many) - but I would never let this show.

It’s just I’m at such a down point in my life, she knows this and wish she would just read the room sometimes.

OP posts:
EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 05/07/2021 21:09

She’s not better than you from a humility and being a good friend point of view. She’s no friend in fact.

Wineat5isfine · 05/07/2021 21:10

You are definitely not the shit friend. I have a “friend”‘like this and it’s mentally exhausting being one-upped all the time. With anything - job, husband, her children are more intelligent, her car / holidays, …so I just stopped sharing any happy news I had.

Grey rock method is brilliant…would highly recommend.

Take a step back and a toxic detox 💐

CorianderBee · 05/07/2021 21:11

You say she's better than you in every aspect, but clearly she's not in the personality department because she's mean to you and a nasty person.

She's either making these comments on purpose and so is trying to show off or hurt you or she's utterly thoughtless.

I'd just reply 'lovely' and then not engage. If she asks why later say you were busy. Start pulling away from her, I think you'll start to feel much better about yourself when you're not constantly being hit with her barbed words.

Original poster
BurberryWeather · 05/07/2021 21:12

@Wineat5isfine

You are definitely not the shit friend. I have a “friend”‘like this and it’s mentally exhausting being one-upped all the time. With anything - job, husband, her children are more intelligent, her car / holidays, …so I just stopped sharing any happy news I had.

Grey rock method is brilliant…would highly recommend.

Take a step back and a toxic detox 💐

Yes that’s how I feel like I wouldn’t share happy news anymore.
OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 05/07/2021 21:16

A good friend is someone you walk away from a conversation with feeling good about yourself. Anyone you spend time with that makes you feel like crap is NOT. a friend.

It’s easy for people to say ‘you’re too sensitive’ but the truth is I know what’s going on in my friends lives and will censor my life news accordingly. For example with some friends I know are struggling financially I would never go on about money and how flush I am. If I had a friend who was single and sad about it I’d try not to go on about how fabulous my relationship is. So your friend could treat you much more sensitively but chooses not to. Instead she is using you as an audience to her life.

Verbena87 · 05/07/2021 21:17

She’s not better than you. I had a friend a bit like this and I was convinced she was ‘better than me in every way’.

Looking back I can’t believe I ever felt that: she was manipulative and insecure. It turns out I am clever and funny and really bloody good at stuff, I just couldn’t see it through her nonsense.

Wineat5isfine · 05/07/2021 21:17

@BurberryWeather - stop sharing. Must admit, it took a little while for her to cotton on to the fact that I wasn’t interested in competing with her and that I had shut down the amount of information I was sharing. But she got the message eventually. Sadly, she’s moved on to someone else now within our group of friends…I have tried to warn the other friend not to “bite”

TimeIhadaNameChange · 05/07/2021 21:21

She’s jealous of you for some reason and she’s DESPERATE for the tables to be turned.

I agree with the statement above “Cool, it’s nice getting a new car isn’t it?” with which you’re basically putting both your car and hers on the same level. She really can’t complain about such a response however much she’d like to.

I have similar with a family member, who can't cope with the fact I'm not wildly jealous of their seemingly superior lifestyle. One thing they hate is me going somewhere they haven't been and they assume I'm the same. So one Xmas I spent the yearly 5 min conversation hearing all about their upcoming business trip to Australia, and how each present would be useful there. She named the country a billion times in that 5 minutes and I didn't respond once. I had such fun hearing her get more wound up!

Ellpellwood · 05/07/2021 21:21

@FreeBritnee

A good friend is someone you walk away from a conversation with feeling good about yourself. Anyone you spend time with that makes you feel like crap is NOT. a friend.

It’s easy for people to say ‘you’re too sensitive’ but the truth is I know what’s going on in my friends lives and will censor my life news accordingly. For example with some friends I know are struggling financially I would never go on about money and how flush I am. If I had a friend who was single and sad about it I’d try not to go on about how fabulous my relationship is. So your friend could treat you much more sensitively but chooses not to. Instead she is using you as an audience to her life.

All of this. I'd drop her in a heartbeat.