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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to avoid dating because of my weight?

48 replies

TalkSenseIntoMee · 05/07/2021 18:42

I am in my early 50s and was slim until my mid 40's. Then a chronic illness, menopause, marital breakdown all piled on top of me, followed by the isolation of covid, and I have gained 2.5 stone in weight in 4 years. Mostly due to alcohol Blush I am 3 years post divorce and would like to meet someone. But I don't feel I can while I am this weight. I just can't get used to the extra 2.5 stone. I have tried to shift it, a half stone comes off and then goes on again, I can't seem to get a handle on it. What I don't get is why my psyche is telling me I cant date at this weight. Im 5 foot 7 and a size 16 so not extreme. But Im convinced at some level that no one will ever be interested in me. I need a therapist more than I need a new diet dont I? Sad Not sure what Im asking for from this post, just needed to get it out I guess.

OP posts:
PatchyTwat · 05/07/2021 18:43

Don’t hold life back because of weight or you’ll be holding off forever. People should like you for you!

BunnyRuddington · 05/07/2021 18:43

I need a therapist more than I need a new diet dont I?

It does sound as though it might be a confidence issue yes Thanks

PumpkinKlNG · 05/07/2021 18:44

I am overweight. I’m currently in the process of losing weight as I won’t date anyone whilst I’m this big. That’s not my main reason for losing weight but one of the reasons

SunflowerGiraffe · 05/07/2021 18:46

I think you attract more respectful, decent people when you feel confident in yourself and clearly you don't atm. You've been through a lot. Therapy is a good idea. That should help you start to feel positive again and then exercise and diet and alcohol consumption will improve most likely. I think it's always good to deal with your own issues and make sure you're in a positive place mentally before considering dating.

WednesdayIsPurple · 05/07/2021 18:47

I lost a significant amount of weight (put a lot back on in lockdown annoyingly!) and went from a 16 to a 10 and weirdly I found I was more successful at online dating when I was 16 than I was a 10!

Don't let it put you off but if you'll feel more confident when you've lost the weight, that's reason enough to wait.

HollaHolla · 05/07/2021 18:47

I feel similar, OP. Nothing really to add, but you’re not alone.

BunnyRuddington · 05/07/2021 18:50

I lost a significant amount of weight (put a lot back on in lockdown annoyingly!) and went from a 16 to a 10 and weirdly I found I was more successful at online dating when I was 16 than I was a 10

I can totally believe it. It's a myth that me like skinny women, obviously some do but the majority don't. I've been skinny most of my life and it's only ever women that have made complimentary comments or bitchy

lap90 · 05/07/2021 19:16

There are women of all sizes in relationships.
Although you don't sound all too confident at your current size.

Funnylittlefloozie · 05/07/2021 19:23

I'm fatter and shorter than you, OP, and never had any problems getting dates. I will point out that you'll never find the kindest, best man in the universe, because he's in the kitchen doing the washing up and putting the coffee on... but I bet you can find someone pretty damn close.

Obviously its good to get to a healthy weight, but it shouldn't stop you loving yourself at the same time. And men aren't some homogeneous mob - the right man will love you whether you are size 8 or size 18.

Palavah · 05/07/2021 19:29

The 'why' is becasue we live in a fatphobic socitety.

Confidence is key. Whatever size you are, own it. There are people of all shapes and sizes in relationships, and the beauty of dating in middle age is people should be a bit more philosophical about appearance rather than personality and compatability.

Do what you need to do to believe that you are worthy of love whatever size you are. I now exercise for my physical and mental health rather than cosmetic reasons, and it's more enjoyable as a result.

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 05/07/2021 19:30

I hear you OP. I've put on a fair bit of lockdown weight and every pound shows at 5'3 and my confidence is shot to shit.

I go through phases of telling myself a decent guy will like me at my current size but it boils down to how I feel about myself. Until I get back to a weight I'm comfortable with it's just pointless.

I'm definitely starting with a wine consumption cull.

Original poster
TalkSenseIntoMee · 05/07/2021 19:40

Thanks for the understanding comments...I do need to sort my head out, just hope that its easier than losing weight has been so far!

OP posts:
Manzanilla55 · 05/07/2021 19:51

If you do the 12 12 diet with emphasis on low carb you will find weight loss very doable.

KarmaStar · 05/07/2021 20:27

Any person who judges you is not good enough for you.whether or not you lose any weight,accept yourself for who you are now,today,rather than looking back at a slimmer you,that's irrelevant,it's the past,you can't go back to exactly the same body.
Look at yourself,all of you in the mirror and say "I am me,I am beautiful,I am who I am,my body has done all I've asked of it for 50 years,nobody,including me,is going to disrespect it".
People lose or gain weight for lots of reasons and it's no reason to think you're unattractive.
Good luck with your dating.
💐

VictoriaLudorum · 05/07/2021 20:33

If you are a miserable person with no spark or character it will not matter whether you are stick thin or very wobbly.

NotNowPlzz · 05/07/2021 20:37

"I am not worthy of love or sexual interest because of my size" is the underlying message. And it's not in any way true.

BurberryWeather · 05/07/2021 20:39

I could have written your post. For me, I don’t love myself and very self conscious and don’t want to be touched, just don’t expect anyone to find my hang ups attractive.

I’ve let it ruin every single relationship- don’t let that happen to you too.

Lostmarbles2021 · 05/07/2021 20:43

We are socialised to think that thin is attractive. Years ago, when the rich were the only ones that had the means to carry extra weight, more curvy figures were seen as more desirable. What is attractive is very unique to each individual. You will be attractive to some. Not to others. Just like you will find some people more attractive than others. It’s not just looks that we find attractive either. A nice smile. A good sense of humour. Confidence. All sorts.

It is just a case of trying to find the match. Have fun searching!

Palavah · 05/07/2021 20:44

@Manzanilla55

If you do the 12 12 diet with emphasis on low carb you will find weight loss very doable.
This is not the point.
TaraR2020 · 05/07/2021 20:47

I could have written your post, op. I keep telling myself it shouldn't matter and that it only does to me but, still, reading these replies helps. So thank you for posting and thank you pps for reply :)

nikkithegrouch · 05/07/2021 21:15

Your definitely not alone. I’m a size 18 and don’t have the confidence to put myself out there. My sister is larger then me but has so much confidence and she always has no matter what size she is.

sassbott · 05/07/2021 21:35

I think ‘dating’ nowadays is not for the faint hearted and I say that as a slim(ish) 40 something.
I think the current digital obsession/ abundance of apps / plus lockdown has made it all a very odd landscape to navigate.

I can’t face getting out there and dating, fullstop. So YANBU. I think as and when you’re ready to date, the key is self confidence. As It’s no walk in park for the typical ‘stunners’ either. One of my younger cousins is a knockout. Gets ghosted regularly. If your confidence is low, it would be very easy to take that personally. When the reality seems to be, it’s par for the course.

ScottishNewbie · 05/07/2021 21:43

I've been a size 16 the entirety of my adult life and never had a lack of attention or anyone say anything negative. I think it's honestly about how you dress and carry yourself. If you are confident and love yourself, you attract people who feel the same. Years ago when online dating, I ALWAYS included a full body pic and my size in my profile.
That weeded out anyone who wasn't attracted to me and made it very clear exactly what I looked like.
You'll be surprised at the response you'll get!

SecretSpAD · 05/07/2021 22:08

I've been married for a long time now, but when I was dating I was just a bit smaller than I am now - size 22. I went through phases of hating myself and thinking I was unattractive. I was surprised each time a man was interested in me and wanted sex with me. It wasn't good because I felt that I had to feel grateful for their interest and so i stopped dating for a while not to lose weight, but to get my head sorted. I did lose a bit of weight, but it's been up and down all my life and by my mid thirties I knew I'd have to come to terms with being the fat one. I met my husband soon after, who was tall and skinny and always felt subconscious for being the one with the lanky limbs and no six pack.

The truth is that men are as self conscious about their bodies as we are - they just hide it better.

I've pulled men at a size 12 and pulled men at a size 22. I didn't notice any difference in my pulling ability at either size.

KeeOe · 05/07/2021 22:20

OK, just my opinion but as pps have said it's about confidence. I am a big girl (18 on a very good day) and I'm currently dating a bodybuilding health freak. I was so nervous about him seeing me undressed, as he is cut and built to hell, but he tells me all the time how much he loves my body. I met him via OLD. I have no reason to disbelieve him as he seems to really enjoy being 'with' me (for want of a better phrase). I had an absolutely horrendous year last year (feel free to search my previous posts) but I've started believing in myself again. I think valuing yourself for what you are is key.