...to avoid dating because of my weight?

[TalkSenseIntoMee]

I am in my early 50s and was slim until my mid 40's. Then a chronic illness, menopause, marital breakdown all piled on top of me, followed by the isolation of covid, and I have gained 2.5 stone in weight in 4 years. Mostly due to alcohol I am 3 years post divorce and would like to meet someone. But I don't feel I can while I am this weight. I just can't get used to the extra 2.5 stone. I have tried to shift it, a half stone comes off and then goes on again, I can't seem to get a handle on it. What I don't get is why my psyche is telling me I cant date at this weight. Im 5 foot 7 and a size 16 so not extreme. But Im convinced at some level that no one will ever be interested in me. I need a therapist more than I need a new diet dont I? Not sure what Im asking for from this post, just needed to get it out I guess.

I'm 53, a size 26, but at 5"2' look bigger. I met someone who I feel totally at ease with. I've never had an active sex life while more than a size 12. I don't understand how he fancies me, but that's internalised fat phobia, I suppose. I had all sorts of other worries, being post menopause. It's about finding the right person.

OP, I presume you’ll be interested in dating men of a similar age to you. I did this in my late 40’s as a size 16 and got a great response. If you are honest about yourself and clear about what you want, and also what you bring to the party, you’ll be fine. These men are not Adonises or Brad Pitts. They’re normal men. Most have a dad tum, they’re balding, they have lived their lives. The ones I met (bar the cross dresser who had better eyebrows than me) were delighted to spend time with me, even if we didn’t click romantically. Look on it as a chance to get to meet some people you’d not normally meet. As it happened I did meet someone and we’ve been together for 6 years and I’m mad about him. I’d never have met him if I’d waited until I’d got to the ‘perfect’ weight.

@ScottishNewbie

I've been a size 16 the entirety of my adult life and never had a lack of attention or anyone say anything negative. I think it's honestly about how you dress and carry yourself. If you are confident and love yourself, you attract people who feel the same. Years ago when online dating, I ALWAYS included a full body pic and my size in my profile. That weeded out anyone who wasn't attracted to me and made it very clear exactly what I looked like. You'll be surprised at the response you'll get!

This a hundred, million times over.

I'm a size 18 now and been overweight most of my adult life. I've managed to find an attractive and caring husband, have two kids, maintain a decent career, keep a house and not die of obesity related illnesses that everyone on MN told me would happen when I hit 40.

You deserve happiness OP.

You obviously know logically that your size is no impediment to dating, but I can understand how you don’t feel “right” if you’ve been smaller all your life.

Everyone’s threshold at which they feel comfortable in themselves is very individual.

Therapy might be a good idea, and are there other things you can do to build your confidence? New haircut, nice clothes? Even taking up a new hobby or something, so that you refocus on something more positive?

A size 16 isn't big, especially at 5 7". We're all different shapes and sizes and not everyone on attracted to the same look or body type. On one hand I want to say to you don't be crazy, it doesn't matter. It doesn't, but how you feel about yourself does. Take weight and dress size out of it (your dates non the wiser anyway) I don't think you're unreasonable to hesitate about dating when you're not feeling like you.

You could be happy and confident at a size 18 or 8. It all comes down to how you feel about yourself.

Thanks everyone. Some really lovely and wise replies here. Given me lots to think about x

I have been overweight for pretty much my entire adult life. I've never had any problems in that department. I've not always been comfortable in my own skin but I don't think my body makes me any less deserving of love and anyone who does think that isn't worth my time. Big or small I am worthy of love. End of.

I think the real issue here is how you view yourself, I don't think you are unreasonable to hold off on dating whilst you aren't feeling entirely yourself.

In your first post you said the weight was mainly due to alcohol. I can understand that alcohol could be a prop after the issues you have had to face, but has it become part of the problem?
In any case I think you could benefit from some form of talking therapy, as others have said attractiveness comes from inside and you need to boost your self confidence. That's far more important than any perception of body size.
There's a man out there who is waiting to meet you.

What can you do to boost your self confidence. Because it’s not about weight. As everyone here will attest to.
The drinking? I’m bad too, I’m battling to cut down on it. Can you try to do that.

A course? Hobby? Not to meet someone but to force you to be around people you don’t know and get you out there so that meeting people you don’t know won’t immediately make you think “ALL they can see is I’m a fat twat”

Unfortunately we live in a fatphobic society, there’s no two ways about it. It’s unfair and it sucks but it is what it is. And it’s absolutely disgusting tbh. Just because us larger ladies are seen to be “lazy” or “eating doughnuts all day” and others don’t consider eating disorders, mental health issues etc etc, there is no real sympathy or empathy from the slimmer in society,
I’ve found since I gained weight I am either invisible or too much on show- as in horrid spotty little boy racers will shout “oi fatty!” to their chavvy friends- one of the reasons I’m grateful I didn’t reproduce (I’d hate my child to cause distress to others). Another person once said that “at least I didn’t have anorexia”. I replied with “at least I can lose weight; can you grow a couple more inches in height, get a personality and get rid of your greasy skin and hair?!”
Look up the YouTuber Alex (channel name: learning to be fearless); she is a big girl but absolutely beautiful and extremely successful at a young age. And why should she be, just because she is obese?
OP, please date if you want to- if you want to build up your confidence, do that first. But you are not less than the skinny minnies.

Don’t let your weight or intrusive thoughts get in your way OP. Your weight does not define you. Go for it!
I have the opposite problem (can’t gain weight, no bra = no boobs! All due to a health condition) and i felt the same. Couldn’t date because I convinced myself i had the body of a child and it would put people off.
I was so unbelievably wrong.
My DP does not care. When the right person comes along, I’m sure they’ll say the same.
Get yourself back out there

In one word NO
Find clothes you love, hairstyle you can rock and find someone who is worthy of you whether your a size 6 or 16

There will be no point in slimming down to a size 10, finding a partner to whom thinness is a priority, and then, when you relax find a few extra pounds makes you unattractive to him.
Find someone to love you as you are.

I'm 5'2 and fluctuate between size 14 and 16. Even I don't look massive. It's no reason not to date.

Most men prefer slim women. Fact. I am losing weight for my own health, happiness and confidence. But also for dating. I wouldn't feel comfortable dating at my current weight.
The happier and more confident you are, the more likely you are to attract a good match.

I agree that most men prefer slim women. The ones saying that men don’t care I wonder if they would date an overweight man themselves?

Yes I would date an overweight man. And I have done at very skinny! But I am not shallow

@ohthatbloodycat @PumpkinKlNG Think you are projecting your own insecurities here which is not helpful to op. And Im another one who has dated over weight blokes!

Well that’s interesting as on the dating threads most people say they wouldn’t date overweight men 🤷‍♀️

@PumpkinKlNG He was a fantastic shag! Chemistry is way more important that size/shape.

I think a lot of people say they might not date an overweight man. But I’m not sure that’s the reality.

the weight is making you underconfident, which in turn could lead you into an unhealthy relationship. Go ahead and date, but be aware there are a lot of shitty men out there.

[quote FOF44]**@ohthatbloodycat* @PumpkinKlNG* Think you are projecting your own insecurities here which is not helpful to op. And Im another one who has dated over weight blokes![/quote]
Not really. I'm a gorgeous fattie who very much knows her own worth
And actually, I was trying to be empathic!