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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried that my baby has forgotten me.

60 replies

Babycarrottt · 05/07/2021 17:45

Hi, I've had a really awful few weeks. I was diagnosed with pancreatitis and gallstones nearly threw weeks ago. Was operated on two weeks ago, left on the Friday but readmitted on the Sunday. I'm hopefully going home tomorrow. I have a beautiful nine (nearly ten) week old and I've only seen him twice during this time due to restrictions/logistics.

I'm really worried that he has forgotten me and I'm worried about how I'll fit back into being a Mum. The last time I saw him was last week for a couple of hours, he was fast asleep and I just held him.

Anyone else been in this situation? Any advice? Am I being unreasonable in thinking he's forgotten me? I'm just worried that he'll be scared/wary of me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Babycarrottt · 05/07/2021 18:23

MIL has a history of being passive aggressive and saying really hurtful things. It's very much in character.

OP posts:

Conkergame · 05/07/2021 18:25

What a horrible thing for her to say. Sounds like she’s jealous she won’t get to play mummy for much longer. Of course he will know and love you, you’re by far the most important person in his life! Hope you get better ASAP

Footle · 05/07/2021 18:31

I think MIL actually means she's going to miss looking after him and feels conflicted about handing him back. She needs to find a lot more empathy with you in your very difficult situation. He will know you and be so happy to have you back.

BabyFartsDoStink · 05/07/2021 18:54

Even in the worst case scenario where he doesn't remember you (which I don't believe to be the case), he will fall in love with you soon enough.

I'm not entirely convinced our baby really loved us yet at that age. I think he did by 3 months. I know he did when he began smiling and cuddling. And he sure does now with all his might at nearly 8m! He also loves his carer... and Bear. 🥰

What he feels for you and DH those early weeks when he's still learning about satisfying his core needs is relatively small compared to what he will feel soon as his brain develops into his big emotions. Watching this is one of life's joys. His capacity to love is limitless just like yours is if you had multiple children.

If it had been the other way around and the baby had been in NICU for weeks, no one would say they thought he wouldn't bond when he came home. No one would say it to an adoptive parent who gets their baby at 3 months. What your MIL said was shitty and incorrect. Also agree with others it should just be the 3 of you.

Don't overthink it. And if he's fussy or grumpy, remember they often are and it isn't personal! He can't yet ascribe any betrayed emotion or wonder where you've been. You might want to have a look at Wonder Weeks (book or app) and catch up on his development leaps. It puts a lot into perspective about their cognition.

You missed some time but you have so, so much to look forward to! Hope you feel better and enjoy your reunion. Enjoy a good long sniff of baby head!

Original poster

Babycarrottt · 05/07/2021 19:38

@BabyFartsDoStink thank you so much for that. I'll definitely look up that book. MIL can be very difficult and her and my DP have never really got on. He was brought up in a very restrictive household, there was never physical affection. He's also Autistic so he shuts down around her. She doesn't see what I do and that is someone completely besotted with their child. I was concerned about how he'd be as he'd always been reticent about having children. Prior to our baby being born, he stated that he'd never change a nappy. He now does everything and more. He's a wonderful father and the best partner I could have ever wished for.
She also enjoys drama. When I was at my worst and they thought I was developing sepsis, she was nigh on hysterical. She called everyone of her sisters (all five of them) and was crying. I wouldn't mind but my Nan wasn't even doing that. It was more about attention that concern for me. I am so grateful to her for helping to look after our baby but I'm looking forward to it being the three of us.

OP posts:

BeesTreesSeas · 05/07/2021 19:47

Aw OP, I could have written this about me. I spent a long time in hospital with pancreatitis and gallstones and had my 5 month old and toddler at home. Because of Covid restrictions, I didn’t see them for a long time and had exactly the same worry as you. It was unfounded though, as a PP said...your baby knows your smell and you and you’ll be back to normal before you know it but I remember people telling me that and thinking that it couldn’t be true. It was though so just hang in there and get better. Pancreatitis is really rubbish and I really feel for you. If you want to PM me anytime, feel free. Xx

StarsandStones · 05/07/2021 19:57

Completely different story of course. Our DD was born early. Breastfeeding was an issue, at that point it was more bottle than breast. She passed lots of hands in the hospital (nurses and doctors). When I came home she was seeking milk everywhere when hungry, also at her fathers breasts... so we spent more one on one time and it was fine.

Wishing you all the best!

MaskingForIt · 05/07/2021 20:13

I’ve had a similar experience to you over the last few months, four hospital stays with sepsis. I’ve just asked my baby and he says that he lived inside me for 9 months, he knows the sound of my voice, the feel of my walk and the smell of my skin, and I’m not getting away that easily.

Your baby is going to be stoked to have his mamma back!

MaskingForIt · 05/07/2021 20:18

Since I’ve been home I’ve done a lot more babywearing to keep my baby close and have been walking outside with my baby in parent-facing mode so that he gets a full dose of mamma. I also do all of his feeds at the moment, and will until I feel ready to share again.

Maybe babywearing or doing some baby massage might help you to feel the bond again?

I also stay with him during naps so I can watch him.

Enjoy your homecoming x

Camphillgirl · 05/07/2021 20:34

@Micemakingclothes

Your baby knows your heartbeat.

But let’s suppose for a moment that your baby is confused for a bit or that the change in routine does cause a few moments of stress. So what. You have done the very hard work of fighting to be a living mother to your child and you have succeeded. You are going to be there for so much. There are going to be so many hugs, so many kisses, bedtimes, stories, school runs….. This lost time feels huge right now, but eventually it will fade away. All it will be is the time you fought to make it back to a lifetime with your child.

This

EKGEMS · 05/07/2021 20:45

I was in your situation but 30 weeks pregnant-baby born by c section and spent six weeks in NICU-was worried about our bond-believe me it didn't affect our bond at all!

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 05/07/2021 20:45

Ah man, it’ll be absolutely fine - within minutes it will be like you’ve never been away. I really did appreciate your description of gallstone and pancreatitis though- you really hit the nail on the head, truly the worst week of my life. Haven’t had a single twinge after the op.

Original poster

Babycarrottt · 05/07/2021 20:49

This is all so reassuring, thank you. I'm sorry so many of you have had a difficult time. As soon as I'm strong enough I'll go back to baby wearing and my health visitor has organised baby massage at some point soon. It was so good even changing his nappy, it was good to do something normal. I just want to hold him and I'm counting down the hours. I'm awaiting my latest results from my procedure today but there's nothing to indicate that I can't go home. Here's hoping. Xxx

OP posts:

Blueshoess · 05/07/2021 20:52

Sorry you experienced this too OP. I went into hospital a couple of times when my baby was 2-4 months old with the same gallbladder issues. I also had sepsis and was hallucinating so bad due to how poorly I was. I was crying for my baby and breastfeeding, it was absolutely horrendous and all the medical staff kept brushing it off saying that he’ll survive on a bottle, wouldn’t let me pump on the ward, saying what’s the big deal? I think my lowest point was overhearing a nurse say “god, will somebody shut her up about that bloody baby” when I was crying about missing him.

But when he was back in my arms, he just knew. I sat and held him literally all day I think, that first time I got back. And I was much better for him, no nasty unpredictable gallstone attacks or worrying about if the thing I just ate was going to make me sick. It didn’t impact our bond at all, I now have a 9 year old who is happy, confident and secure - who gives me cuddles and kisses every day.

It’s so hard now, but you’re in the right place and I hope you’re being treated kinder than I was. I still get mad about my experience now and wish I complained at the time, but I was a vulnerable and scared new mum and didn’t wanna make a fuss.

Darbs76 · 05/07/2021 20:52

She will be fine don’t worry. I’ve had acute pancreatitis many times so I can certainly sympathise, gallstones caused my problems too. My kids were older but I’ve had to spend weeks at a time in hospital especially for a major pancreatic surgery but health has to take priority

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 05/07/2021 20:59

I had biliary colic when DS6 was 6 weeks old (3 nights in hospital) rhen cholecystectomy when he was 3m old (2 nights in hospital).

both times I had to pump & dump in hope of being able to carry on with bf after drugs wore off (managed!) and DH brought him to see me once a day for a cuddle.
if I couldn't have seen him I wouldn't have worried about him forgetting me. they have such short memories at that age anyway a few days wouldn't make a difference, it won't affect your bond in the future!

I understand you are scared but in the nicest possible way you are overthinking this. you are both going to be ok.

Mama1980 · 05/07/2021 21:19

That was an unkind thing for your mil to say. I hope you get to go home soon.
I was in ICU unconscious for the first two weeks of ds2's life, I didn't see him until a week after that as I was still too ill. Despite all that he knew exactly who i was. He knew me, my smell, my heartbeat before he even drew breath. Your baby won't have forgotten you I promise.

orangejuicer · 06/07/2021 17:09

@Mama1980

How are you doing OP?

Popcornbetty · 06/07/2021 17:14

Aww op so sorry you have been through this; i can't imagine how upsetting it will have been for you to be away from your baby. Yanbu in worrying as i would have done exactly the same and most new mothers would. You are however wrong, your baby wont forget you! You're his mummy he will know your smell and voice! Hope you get to go home tomorrow and enjoy those lovely newborn cuddles!

Original poster

Babycarrottt · 08/07/2021 20:22

Hi everyone, just wanted to say that I've been back home for two days and I'm still adjusting. He seems happy enough and any worry has been purely on my part. It's been tough being at home because I think the past three weeks have just caught up with me. At one point I didn't think I'd come out due to how ill I was. It's left me feeling out of place and a bit like a fraud. I feel like I'm in someone else's life but I'm sure this will wear off.

OP posts:

EmeraldShamrock · 08/07/2021 21:18

It's left me feeling out of place and a bit like a fraud. I feel like I'm in someone else's life but I'm sure this will wear off.
Even without the hospital stay it is easy to feel like an impostor with a new baby, it's a new world.
Try rest as much as possible and enjoy your baby forget all the self doubts, you're exactly where you should be.

orangejuicer · 08/07/2021 21:24

Glad to hear you're home OP. Things will settle but at least you are back with bab. Enjoy it and take it easy.

User112 · 08/07/2021 21:26

He will never forget you. Like NEVER. Even when he grows up, has his own family etc. Mum is mum. His first “home” ❤️

ChikiTIKI · 09/07/2021 14:05

That's amazing news that you're home. You've been through so much though.Take your time and be easy on yourself.

sixthtimelucky · 09/07/2021 14:07

You poor thing, you've been through a terrible time, I wish you all the very best. Your baby will not forget you I promise x

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