AIBU to want to leave this Jackie Weaveresque nightmare?

[felicmargo]

I have "accidentally" become a community leader. Accidentally, because I am committed to the ideal, it's all voluntary, and I enjoy what I do....but no one else was willing to take over as leader, and I did it out of a sense of duty. I can't go into details, but trust me, the behaviour of some people is worse than that famous parish council you tube clip we've all seen. I've got strong support from some very good people, but there is a hardcore of irrational, bullying troublemakers who refuse to take courses to understand how things work, and prefer to spread hate around on social media. It is affecting my family life. DH has been very ill and needs my support, DD is getting emotionally affected by DHs illness and my lack of availability. I am spending all day on the phone dealing with what is essentially nonsense. If I give up now, everyone will be complaining, but I just can't take it any more. Yet I don't want to leave anyone in the lurch. AIBU to want to escape from this nightmare? How can I do it without being the bad guy? I'm always going to be the bad guy, aren't I?

Yes life is too short and you have too much to do already. Just quit and say you need to focus on your family at this time

As you’ve found, far too many people are awful or just crackers. Having to deal with them while things are not great at home might well make you unwell yourself. What do you owe these people? Nothing.
If I was you, I’d give it up and concentrate on yourself and your family.

Family first Margo and don't feel guilty about stepping down. You've done your bit.

You have the prefect reason in your DH's illness - sorry that sound's awful. I certainly don't wish him ill at all - hope you get what I mean

Chances are if you step down someone else will step up.

Put your own family first. It's good to be part of a community but there's only so much you can give. It sounds like one of these loonbags can have their turn.

Just quit. Everyone is replaceable somehow.

If you stay they'll bitch and moan and tantrum.

If you leave, they'll still bitch and moan and tantrum but 1. It won't be your problem anymore and 2. You'll have time to focus on your own needs and priorities.

It sounds a nightmare. TBH if the group is entirely dependent on one person, it's not really a viable group. That's not your fault, just like it's not your fault those other people are bullies.

Absolutely, walk away and concentrate on your family.

Just leave.

Is it Scouts? 🙈

I joined scouts as a happy volunteer and now I'm a bitter twisted bitch. Run!

Family first and don't feel guilty.

Be explicit as to why you are stepping down in an open letter.

It's about time people like this were called out on it.

I'm not suggesting you name anyone directly, but say "certain factions" or similar and give examples such as you posted here about spending hours on the phone dealing with trivialities.

I'd end by saying you hope your departure might be a catalyst for some people to re-think their behaviour and offer constructive help and support to whomever volunteers to replace you.

My advice would be to say that you'll be stepping down in 2 weeks.
That is not negotiable.
Then what I would do in those two weeks (and I'd only do a couple of hours a day maximum) is put together whatever documentation you might need in order to hand over to the next person. Even if you didn't get a decent handover, you can make it easier for the next person.
Only do what you can in those two weeks and if no one takes over, then you hand it back to the chair person or whoever started the project.
You have my sympathies.

@takingmytimeonmyride

Just leave.

Is it Scouts? 🙈

I joined scouts as a happy volunteer and now I'm a bitter twisted bitch. Run!

Hahaha! I get that!

"You are certain that you can't devote the time this role deserves now your DH is ill". Good luck and hope you disengage quickly without too much discomfort and your DP recovers. If you get any grief from someone about resigning then they are 1) confirming to everyone they are an idiot and 2) publicly thank them for confirming they want to take over the role as they recognise how important it is.

Good luck.

I've been in a very similar situation. I found it a million times more stressful than work because it bleeds into your home life.

Give it up, don't look back, don't feel guilty. You'll feel so much better when it's done.

I've been in a very similar situation. Run, don't walk!

Unfortunately, the voluntary sector has a habit of attracting people who are extraordinarily fond of the sound of their own voices (not you, OP!) and normal people occasionally get sucked in.

As PPs have said, please make a point - as far as you are comfortable - of saying that your family needs your support. Anybody who grumbles over that can GTF.

Dont feel guilty, walk away.

I was involved in a committee and eventually resigned as the toxicity was too much to deal with. It reached insane levels with court action, a kangaroo court and much defamation being bandied about.

YANBU
My FIL was Chair of the Governors for something ridiculous like 20 years because no one would take over the post voluntarily and he felt guilty! He resigned and they got a replacement no bother.

It's absolutely fine to step down and don't let anyone guilt trip you.

You can either quit now, or wait until you have either a mental or physical crisis (or both!). Carrying on won't solve the actual problem.

Oh God yes been there done that. Leave.

I am permanently allergic to community work now. Enough - um - community members phoning up on a Saturday evening to insist I do something right now because they were "desperate" because another old bloke had done something wrong, etc etc etc, to last me a lifetime.

Please go, and don't feel bad. People like you're describing are poisonous and destroy a lot of voluntary effort, but it's on their backs not yours. I suspect most people will understand exactly why you are walking away.

You have obviously done your bit and well done you. Now its time to think of your family and yourself.

And why on earth would you be the bad guy? Did all those people who you are letting down run the organsiation all that time? I think not! And almost certainly not while thier husband was sick.

Please take care of yourself, and your family. Just notify 'the committee' that you have to leave, then walk away and don't look back!

You must do what's right for your family.
Who cares what they think/say?

Who you fear you are letting down, that should have read. They have all let YOU down by failing to deal with the toxicity themselves. But they almost certian;y won't complain, as they will know exactly why, and be impressed you stuck it so long (ie any time at all!!)

Another voice saying just quit, honestly life’s too short for this shit. Some other person can step up and take the flak for a bit. This kind of thing is an absolute thankless task.