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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to leave this Jackie Weaveresque nightmare?

44 replies

felicmargo · 05/07/2021 16:45

I have "accidentally" become a community leader. Accidentally, because I am committed to the ideal, it's all voluntary, and I enjoy what I do....but no one else was willing to take over as leader, and I did it out of a sense of duty. I can't go into details, but trust me, the behaviour of some people is worse than that famous parish council you tube clip we've all seen. I've got strong support from some very good people, but there is a hardcore of irrational, bullying troublemakers who refuse to take courses to understand how things work, and prefer to spread hate around on social media. It is affecting my family life. DH has been very ill and needs my support, DD is getting emotionally affected by DHs illness and my lack of availability. I am spending all day on the phone dealing with what is essentially nonsense. If I give up now, everyone will be complaining, but I just can't take it any more. Yet I don't want to leave anyone in the lurch. AIBU to want to escape from this nightmare? How can I do it without being the bad guy? I'm always going to be the bad guy, aren't I?

OP posts:

markmichelle · 05/07/2021 17:53

Most voluntary activities are hard work. Quit as soon as it becomes unpleasant rather than just hard work. I spent several years supporting a Scout Group, they were all wonderful people. The kids and most of the parents, the Uniformed Leaders were very good so were the committee.
I left when we moved to another town.
There I volunteered with an adult group doing what should have been interesting activities. That was hell, even had court cases against the Head Office. Hell! Oh! the egos, the determinations to have a uniform and hierarchy, the self opinions.........
After I left several others did as well, that Unit lasted only another year.

Winniewonka · 05/07/2021 17:58

Step down and tell them exactly why you're doing it. Not because of family commitments but because of the behaviour of a certain few. You don't need to name names or incidents.
If there's any comeback, tell the complainer that they're more than welcome to your role.

Windyone · 05/07/2021 18:00

I’ve also been in this position but no one wanted to step up. I gave them a months notice and set a date for an EGM to start winding up the charity. That motivated people to step up.

Weirdfan · 05/07/2021 18:02

Step back 'due to family illness' OP, it's true in your case anyway and very difficult for you to be the bad guy in those circumstances. Your family and your own MH are a million times more important than any community project

Tombero · 05/07/2021 18:32

Been there, got stuck for years.

Only got out of it by refusing to carry on when I was pregnant otherwise I knew I’d never be able to leave.

I think you need to cite family circumstances and look after your own needs.

HollaHolla · 05/07/2021 18:33

Just walk away from it. Honestly; your health, and that of family, are worth more.

saraclara · 05/07/2021 18:37

Family first or you'll live to look back and regret it. I made the wrong decision in similar circumstances. I struggle to forgive myself, and my relationship with my DD has never been the same since.

Don't be me.

headintheproverbial · 05/07/2021 18:44

I found this when I became a school governor. Absolutely awful, I lost sleep, ingested so much time, got horribly tied up in awful political things and ultimately had to leave for my own sanity.

funnelfanjo · 05/07/2021 19:00

I'm one of nature's volunteers, but I've been around the block enough to know to only do it if I'm enjoying it and/or I find it worthwhile AND it doesn't seriously impact on my personal and family life. I have been extremely close to burnout over voluntary work, and it is not fun at all (understatement).

OP, it sounds like people will complain whether you are in post or not, so cut your losses as soon as you possibly can - and do NOT get guilted in to staying any longer than it takes to do a handover. You will feel like a 2-ton weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Mayim · 05/07/2021 22:07

I could have written your post! I don't think that I'm in quite as difficult position as you, but I have been totally stressed out over the past months in a voluntary role, to the extent that it has made me feel unwell.

I feel that I am being used to front some difficult decisions by a group of people who do not have to deliver this information. The recipients then take out their distress on me and not the others responsible. I have been through this in the past and it is awful.

I would resign if I was you, citing your personal circumstances. If you are not sure, just draft an email of resignation and read it back to yourself. Once you have done this it becomes easier to do.

Just to add that I am very bad at taking my own advice and although I have drafted my email, I haven't yet sent it. I have agonised over the reasons to give for my resignation and come up with all sorts of outlandish reasons for quitting. As I only like one of two of the people involved, I don't know why this is difficult. I wouldn't be going out socialising with the others. I do think that it is something to do with being visible in a community and the view emerging that I'd let them down.

Good luck, as I know that this is a horrible position to be in - but a simple email could make it go away.

Alternista · 05/07/2021 22:13

See this as an opportunity to practice setting healthy boundaries and modelling that for your daughter.

I wont get involved n any community type activities these days after some horrific behaviour from volunteers. It was starting to make me ill and life is too short.

JaceLancs · 05/07/2021 22:13

Quit and explain exactly why
I work for a charity
I am a trustee of 2 other charities
I’m also a director of a CIC
I act as a unpaid consultant to other CICs and charities when asked nicely - but I will not stay anywhere toxic or where my efforts are unappreciated

Dontjudgeme101 · 05/07/2021 22:31

As pp have said, just hand your notice in, give them 2 weeks. Your family comes first. Let the moaners get on with it!

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2021 22:36

Why do you care about being the bad guy when your family need you this much?

Get shot of it.

No-one's indispensable. Someone will take your place soon enough.

Saltyslug · 05/07/2021 22:39

Just tell them you need to drop the role to support your family and youre able to train up your predecessor for a few months to ease the change

TamzinGrey · 05/07/2021 23:00

Walk away. I was in a similar situation as a charity volunteer and agonised for years before finally deciding to resign. It immediately felt as if a huge black cloud had suddenly vanished from above my head, and I could kick myself now for not going earlier.

Seymour5 · 05/07/2021 23:07

Possibly a residents' group. I've been involved in those during my working life, and they can be toxic. It only takes one or two whose agenda is about promoting their agenda and not for the general good for things to turn nasty.

Your family life is far more important.

Cherrysoup · 05/07/2021 23:07

Your family is far more important than this shit. Get out and do it fast.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/07/2021 23:29

I agree with leaving but calling out "certain groups and individuals" as you do it.

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