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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my OH being selfish

48 replies

Noodlelover · 05/07/2021 10:33

I had my LL last year a few days before the first lockdown, he was three weeks early and we had to go back in to hospital the day after we got home because he'd lost too much weight, he was severely jaundiced and was taken in to NICU that day, he was three days old. My OH has two children from a previous relationship and he has them for a few days every week. The day my LL went in to NICU he told me he was taking his children the next day for their scheduled visit. I have no family near where I live and the first lockdown had just been announced so I was relying on my OH to support me. He spent the next day complaining to me about who would look after his children overnight because I needed him with me to help so I could get some sleep in-between expressing, then the next evening after when I asked when he was coming his reply was "do I have to?". He doesn't drive so he couldn't come pick me up when we were fit to go because he didn't want to take his children to the hospital and didn't want to ask anyone to look them because of the Covid situation, I had to get my brother to drive to our place to pick up the car seat then to the hospital to take me home, he lives an hour away from me.

We've argued about this on and off since then, I don't think he should have taken his children and he abandoned me in hospital to deal with a sick newborn. He says that he has responsibilities, his children come first and that I should understand that now that I'm a Mum. Am I being unreasonable or is he being an arsehole.

OP posts:
MovingtoOz1Day · 05/07/2021 10:36

What is LL? I know it's a baby but I can't work out the abbreviation

Returnoftheowl · 05/07/2021 10:39

Yes, his children come first and that should include his newborn!

He sounds very unsupportive. Does he bring anything positive to your relationship in other ways?

I would find this hard to forgive, especially the "do I have to" comments.

MyFloorIsLava · 05/07/2021 10:41

This was well over a year ago. How has he been since?

Bigtruth · 05/07/2021 10:41

Probably a bit of both here and a lot will depend on his relationship with his children's mother.

He should be there for you in this situation but we don't know how that would work in practice. But even if he couldn't do anything he owes you care and consideration, not arguments and stress so his position should be one that makes you understand the complexities and be full of apologies and explanations as to all the work he'd done to try and accommodate your request for support.

If he's just flat out said no without any care then quite clearly he's a prick and it's pretty obvious why the mother of his other two fucked him off.

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 05/07/2021 10:47

I also wondered what LL is.

I think you need to ask yourself if he is generally a great guy and this was out of character or if he is generally quite selfish and doesn’t priorities you or your LL.

TeenMinusTests · 05/07/2021 10:50

LL = little lad ?

MyFloorIsLava · 05/07/2021 10:51

Depending on how he's been, I don't think its inherently selfish to continue being consistent with parenting his older children when their lives are disturbed by a new sibling arriving and being ill. I appreciate that the OP needed support but if the other children were hers too, her partner wouldn't have had any choice but to care for them. Yes they have their own mum but the relationship or her personal circumstances may not be one that allows for any flexibility with contact. I don't blame him for not bringing them to hospital at the start of the first lockdown either. There was a very strict 'stay home' directive and the situation was very scary.

iMombie · 05/07/2021 10:52

Your OH sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest. HIS sick newborn should be his on his priority list too, as a Dad he should understand that 🙄
Kudos to your brother for coming through, hope he’s continued being a good support.
I hope it’s improved since last year and you’re enjoying your little one.

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 05/07/2021 10:52

Also, my eldest was premature and it was just the hardest thing. I was so scared he wouldn’t make it. I cried all the way home from the hospital. It’s pretty shocking that he didn’t care enough about you both at that time.

Sloaneslone · 05/07/2021 10:59

Would he have been allowed at the hospital to support you? Or is that not what you are saying?

I am not sure how nicu was working during lockdown.

I am confused about the picking you up from the hospital as you say he doesn't drive. So, couldn't have anyway.

The 'do I have to?' Is just crap. Of he was allowed in, he should have gone in.

If this was just for a week or so, yes I think he should have probably not taken his older kids. But that's assuming everything between his ex and his kids is all great and are flexible with this sort of thing usually.

Is the issue that he is just generally, not there for you and this example is just what stuck in your head?

Soubriquet · 05/07/2021 11:07

LL is little lad/lady I’m guessing.

It’s a shame he didn’t want to be there for you and his newborn but he is also right that his children needs to be a priority too.

kindaclassy · 05/07/2021 11:17

He should have arranged childcare for his older children and make himself available.

He can't just refuse to have them as scheduled though. Put it another way, if they were both your children, they'd be around too, you wouldn't just ignore them for a few days!

kindaclassy · 05/07/2021 11:19

(LL can be anything from LandLord, latin lover, little lad/lady?) Grin

Guessing in this context it must mean baby.

Original poster
Noodlelover · 05/07/2021 11:35

@MovingtoOz1Day

What is LL? I know it's a baby but I can't work out the abbreviation
Sorry for the confusion, meant LO (Little one) 😁

He has a difficult relationship with his ex, two years ago she stopped him seeing his kids for 4 months and he had to go to court to get 50/50 custody. Last year she claimed to have Covid three times so they stayed with us till she got a negative test, won't go in to the details but it was obvious she was lying and just couldn't/wouldn't look after them for a night. Originally he asked me if I was ok with him taking them and that she threatened to stop him seeing them if he didn't. Strange though that he hasn't mentioned it again because it that was really the case I wouldn't have a problem, just like I didn't when he first asked me.

He hasn't been that involved with my LO. He's too busy when he has his children to look after LO so that I get some rest and when they're not there he barters for time, saying "I'll take him between these hours today". I massively struggled with breast feeding, lots of milk blisters and didn't get a latch until LO was two months old, no support from him at all. He never gets up early with LO, never takes him out when he takes his children to the park, only fed him twice since he's been weaned.

Things are better now because LO is weaned and now sleeping through the night so I'm not tired and cranky but I basically an on my own looking after him, all I get is a few hours of babysitting from OH so I can cook.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noodlelover · 05/07/2021 11:43

Mother's were allowed to have one person with them during the first lockdown.

He would have got a taxi to get me, his children live 30 minutes drive away so he uses taxis to pick them up and take them to school etc, just uses them for everything

OP posts:
Wardrobebore · 05/07/2021 11:44

If that’s all you get from him I think you’d be better off without him
So I’d be taking steps to do that.

Lorw · 05/07/2021 12:20

Better off without him, it won’t get better. Your little one will grow to resent him and shouldn’t have to grow up in a household where he deems spending time with his child a chore and doing things with their siblings but not them.

Is there a reason he doesn’t drive?

I would put him in the bin (not literally ofc, though that would at least be humorous 😁)

Naunet · 05/07/2021 12:22

Wow, it seems to me like he sees this baby as yours and nothing to do with him. What a prick.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2021 12:29

He really needs to sort his shit out!

As pps have said, he’s got three children and all three of them come first (I think I got numbers right but I mean all of them including your LO). It’s a juggle but he’s got to find a way, as he’s the one who chose to have that number of kids.

Rule of thumb is that he should be more knackered than you as he has more kids!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2021 12:31

From the point of view of someone who’s kids have a baby sibling through their dad - it’s hard for me to know if my exh does anything with his new baby! Whenever I see them, his partner sees to be doing it all but she seems happy - and I obviously don’t know the ins and outs!

The bottom line is that you are not happy to do everything single handed, and he shouldn’t be leaving you to struggle!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2021 12:31

**whose

Drivingmeupthewall · 05/07/2021 12:34

Firstly, he’s a complete failure simply for having ‘not been that involved’ in his premature son’s life. That’s bullshit.

Secondly, he needs to learn to drive. Spanking money on taxis is a joke.

Does he work? Do you work? Do you see a future in this relationship? It sounds like you’ve done so much on your own, I’d be tempted to do it all on my own if I were you.

Conchitastrawberry · 05/07/2021 12:35

It’s a tough one. If you’d had other children together he would have had to stay with them and his children are no less of a priority.

I understand you felt unsupported and maybe he could have made other arrangements but they’re his children too.

nellly · 05/07/2021 12:39

What's he been like since this one incident a year ago?
If you had 3 children between you and it was a sudden lockdown he would have likely been staying at home with older two?
I imagine he thought ditching them for the new baby would send a terrible message

tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 12:39

YANBU at all, every parent needs to juggle needs of children and in this case the needs of new born were greater.

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