AIBU or is my OH being selfish

[Noodlelover]

I had my LL last year a few days before the first lockdown, he was three weeks early and we had to go back in to hospital the day after we got home because he'd lost too much weight, he was severely jaundiced and was taken in to NICU that day, he was three days old. My OH has two children from a previous relationship and he has them for a few days every week. The day my LL went in to NICU he told me he was taking his children the next day for their scheduled visit. I have no family near where I live and the first lockdown had just been announced so I was relying on my OH to support me. He spent the next day complaining to me about who would look after his children overnight because I needed him with me to help so I could get some sleep in-between expressing, then the next evening after when I asked when he was coming his reply was "do I have to?". He doesn't drive so he couldn't come pick me up when we were fit to go because he didn't want to take his children to the hospital and didn't want to ask anyone to look them because of the Covid situation, I had to get my brother to drive to our place to pick up the car seat then to the hospital to take me home, he lives an hour away from me.

We've argued about this on and off since then, I don't think he should have taken his children and he abandoned me in hospital to deal with a sick newborn. He says that he has responsibilities, his children come first and that I should understand that now that I'm a Mum. Am I being unreasonable or is he being an arsehole.

@Conchitastrawberry

It’s a tough one. If you’d had other children together he would have had to stay with them and his children are no less of a priority.

I understand you felt unsupported and maybe he could have made other arrangements but they’re his children too.

His youngest was sick and in the NICU. I think that’s a pretty big emergency that it’s ok to drop the older kids off at a relatives and spend some time with the LO and pick them up from the hospital. He has to balance all his kids needs not just put his eldest first all the time because hey are easier.

I don’t agree that the other children come first, but I also don’t agree with you that he should have refused to have had them as they don’t come second either. They aren’t optional extras. Maybe he was genuinely at a loss as to what else to do with them whilst on his parenting time and maybe he doesn’t want to rock the boat there, as it does not sound amicable.

It was a year ago, why are you still arguing about it though? Unless a pattern has developed, I think you should put this behind you.

Can you all not read the OP’s update???🙄🙄🙄🙄 OP of course YANBU. However, I now see why his first wife left him and I think you should make plans for a single future -what good does he add to your life?

I think you were unreasonable about the hospital incident, he had a responsibility to his children just as if they were shared children. (Though my ex would have just told me the situation and of course I’d have been fine with it, so would have been good if he’d at least tried)

I do, however, think he sounds like a shit partner and dad now, and you’d be better off on your own and him having contact. At least you’d get a break and only have to clean up after yourself.

OP I would seriously consider, giving time and effort into planning a future without this man.

As for the Taxi situation, OMFG he is pouring money down a drain. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would have learned to drive already.

Best Wishes to you and your Baby OP

It's been on my mind now because I took the big decision at Christmas to go stay with my Mum for the last lock down and I'm still there now. I know people are going to massively judge me, for better or worse, but I'm in the vulnerable group health-wise and after my OH ex's claims of having covid and 8 teachers at his children's school getting it, I just took me and my LO somewhere safe. I'm vaccinated now and still breast feeding so my LO gets some immunity. I'm planning on going back soon but this has led to more arguements and OH says that what I did was selfish and just an excuse to leave, he won't accept that I put me and LO's health and safety before him and maybe I shouldn't go back.

Just wanted some perspective on that previous situation where he put his children first.

I'm confused. Is the baby even his? You seem to refer to the baby as being yours and him then having his children (as in, not the baby)....

@TheHop he did tell me that his ex was threatening to stop him seeing his children of he didn't take them when LO and I were the hospital, that's why I agreed to it. When we were arguing much later about how unsupportive he's been and I brought up that situation he never reminded me that he has to due to his ex so I think he was lying to get his way

That’s absolutely awful @Noodlelover

I’d honestly be asking myself why I wanted to be with him.

@buzzandwoodyallday

I'm confused. Is the baby even his? You seem to refer to the baby as being yours and him then having his children (as in, not the baby)....

It is his baby, we refer to his two children from his previous relationship as "the kids" when it's about both of them and then our one by name. So he'll have "the kids" for these days or its "the kids" school. I just changed it to "his children" because "the kids" sounded to American to me 😁

I can see why he’s an ex to the mother of his other children.

You mention he ‘babysits’ for you while you cook. He’s not babysitting, he’s caring for his child. I hope you’re not cooking for him too. I would make plans to be a single mother, he sounds like a waste of space

Hmm. I wonder what his ex wife says about the reasons the marriage broke up. I think you are seeing his true colours OP. I wonder if she really stopped him seeing his children.

Stay where you are.

He has shown you who he is, a selfish arse.

Did you do a lot of childcare for his children, pre baby?

Sounds like you have made a big mistake having a baby with a man who has zero interest.
Stay with your mother and move on.

You are not his priority, nor is your baby.

To Be honest you sound as bad as he is for moving out for 7 months in the first year of both your child's life and then complaining he doesn't do enough?

Stay at your Mothers OP.. think if yourself and your baby ... He prioritises himself so you need to prioritise You..

Leave him permanently 🎉

His kids come first but he doesn't take much to do with his new baby?

Get rid you will be better off

He said he was going to pass his test when we moved in together three years ago, since then his theory has lapsed and he's failed to pass it again at least three times that I know of. He's trying again now because I need to go back to work so he has to look after LO, I told him he has to use a car seat with our LO when going in a taxi and he's not to sit LO on his lap (he just uses the normal adult seat belt for his 7 and 5 year old ). Due to Covid he can't sit in the front seat of taxis so he has to book a bigger taxi so him and ask three children can sit in the back.

I don't know where he finds the money from, he's constantly complaining that I don't pay any of the bills (I don't but that's because I buy all the food, household items, furniture and do all the cooking), and he hasn't paid for any of LO's things.

He's told me multiple times since we started living together that I don't have anything to do with his children, he doesn't even bother telling me when he's taking them. So I don't do anything for them, I play with them if they want to play with me but I won't clean up after them or do their cooking or washing. He didn't want to tell his children I was pregnant after my 20 week scan, he wanted to wait till after Christmas because he "didn't want to ruin their Christmas". He even didn't bother telling me that he'd told them, I was 6 months pregnant when I asked him if he'd done it and he said "I did it last week".
I play with them more due to LO, his daughter loves LO but his oldest isn't really interested.

OP I wouldn't return to this waste of space 🌸

@Noodlelover

He said he was going to pass his test when we moved in together three years ago, since then his theory has lapsed and he's failed to pass it again at least three times that I know of. He's trying again now because I need to go back to work so he has to look after LO, I told him he has to use a car seat with our LO when going in a taxi and he's not to sit LO on his lap (he just uses the normal adult seat belt for his 7 and 5 year old ). Due to Covid he can't sit in the front seat of taxis so he has to book a bigger taxi so him and ask three children can sit in the back.

I don't know where he finds the money from, he's constantly complaining that I don't pay any of the bills (I don't but that's because I buy all the food, household items, furniture and do all the cooking), and he hasn't paid for any of LO's things.

He's told me multiple times since we started living together that I don't have anything to do with his children, he doesn't even bother telling me when he's taking them. So I don't do anything for them, I play with them if they want to play with me but I won't clean up after them or do their cooking or washing. He didn't want to tell his children I was pregnant after my 20 week scan, he wanted to wait till after Christmas because he "didn't want to ruin their Christmas". He even didn't bother telling me that he'd told them, I was 6 months pregnant when I asked him if he'd done it and he said "I did it last week".
I play with them more due to LO, his daughter loves LO but his oldest isn't really interested.

This relationship just sounds like a mess.

I could have 10 children by 10 fathers and the newborn in NICU would be my priority. Obviously.
I'd not go back. Less work, less hassle, less watching your child being shoved to the side. Why would you go back? I wouldn't even use him for childcare because it doesn't sound at all as if he can be trusted with your child's safety, never mind the emotional side of things. The dude doesn't GAF!

I also think you would be better staying with your mum. Is your work near where your mum lives? Can you look for work locally, if not?

He just sounds awful. I don’t understand why you’d go back there.

Why would you go back?