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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about my husbands birthday celebrations...

41 replies

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 10:17

Let me start this by saying that I know at least part of me is resentful because he can get pissed and have a good time while I am left being responsible for this kids. But even so....

This weekend was my husbands birthday. We had a few friends and family over during the day and a couple were still here in the evening. I took our eldest (4yo) to bed a little late, had to text husband to ask him to keep the noise down for 10 mins while I read to her and she fell asleep (talking noise, not music) then came back down for the youngest (1yo). Asked husband if he'd not seen my text, he had and 'tried' to keep quiet.
At 9.30pm I took her up (she'd had a late nap so no point trying earlier) and warned/begged husband to please keep the noise down.
10pm she falls asleep, but she's a bad sleeper and I have work in the morning (and dropping the girls to childcare) so I stay upstairs. I can hear them downstairs but it's not too bad, and not waking the kids. At midnight I ask him to close the doors and windows to the conservatory as it's started to get louder and I need sleep, plus it's not fair on the neighbours. At 1am I remind him again, at 2am I ask him again and also if they're outside smoking just to smoke and not stand around having a chat.
4am they wind it up, husband wakes me with very loud vomiting and then to ask where the spare duvet is (obvs too pissed to open the door to spare room and see it right in front of him). 4yo by this point is crying in her sleep and blocking her ears. He slept on the living room floor and his friend on the sofa.
This morning I've come down to an absolute state and house stinking of fags He promises they didn't smoke inside (again, after I was less than pleased with him last time). Kids eat a breakfast bar for breakfast as there is no clean space to eat or make cereal.
Now, as a one off I'd let it go. But each and every time he has a drink and anyone over its some version of the same thing. Last night was actually pretty quiet, but I haven't faced the neighbours yet to see if they were disturbed until 4am on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I'm bloody knackered, kids are too. House is a mess, I have to work on the bed as there is no space downstairs.
I know it's his birthday but I keep having the same argument and with the easing of lockdown it'll only get more frequent. We're in our 30s, live in a quiet suburb, and quite frankly I'm just a bit fed up and don't want to let it go with a 'sorry', just for the same thing to happen in a couple of weeks. I don't think it's fair on the kids, or me.

Also his hangovers are so horrendous that he's completely useless for at least a day after, so I get no help with the kids or house. Then when I'm pissed off I'm the bad guy because he's just having a good time and 'doesn't do it often'.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MarshmallowSwede · 05/07/2021 10:40

Maybe next birthday party is on Saturday and considering you have two kids people have to be out of your house by 10pm.

Seems like a party until 4 am is for people who don’t have kids with a bedtime. It’s not considerate for your children to have to deal with this.

I say often, having a family is a lifestyle choice. Partying until 4am into a Monday morning is a luxury of the childless. Your husband knowing he has two small children with a bedtime should really have just ended the party at a decent hour so his kids can have a good nights sleep.

So now you know for next year to host on a Saturday and just end the party so the kids can get a good nights sleep. It’s an easy compromise. He still gets a party and the kids don’t wake up to chaos.

If he isn’t ok with this, then suggest he go out with friends for his bday next year. Either way, the children’s well being and rest come
Before partying.

MarshmallowSwede · 05/07/2021 10:40

YANBU

Carrysymons · 05/07/2021 10:46

YANBU but you sound like his mother not his partner.
I think he needs to grow up and stop pretending he's single and in his teens or 20s but if you're happy for him to get drunk and be sick without you, I'd suggest next time he stays at a friends place to do it.

Lipz · 05/07/2021 10:51

Hmm yeah when you have kids you kind of stop having house parties on a night where you are up early the next day. We can all have great intentions but alot of the time that goes out the window when the party carries on.

Tbh I don't know anyone who cleans up after a late party, that's usually done the next morning, this is why most people have their parties on a Friday or Saturday, so they're off work.

When people are drinking they speak more loud, again if it's a case where you don't want any noise after 9.30pm you need to wrap the party up earlier or have it on a different day.

unstabletoddler · 05/07/2021 10:51

Jesus fuck i couldn't be married to someone like this. So selfish, stupid and immature. Women so often lumber themselves with absolute idiots. You don't have to.

holrosea · 05/07/2021 10:52

I don't understand why the kids are in the house/he's having a party at the house with kids if he's a father in his 30s. Also, birthday or not, he's still a father so I don't understand why he's acting like a drunk teenager while you're putting his kids to bed.

If you're actually ok with him parting and happy/supported/equal in the relationship, you just need to tell him that all future parties will take place elsewhere, or that he can sort out overnight childcare with friends or relatives, or pay for the babysitter.

However, given that he's not even considered his kids in his party plan, and that he's not helping you at all after the party when you're working, and also general lack of consideration for neighbours, etc., I don't think he sounds like a catch.

dancinfeet · 05/07/2021 11:00

Jeez he sounds like my ex. A selfish immature twat of epic proportions.

RightOnTheEdge · 05/07/2021 11:00

YANBU. You can't act like that when you have kids in the house and people need to work in the morning.

You need to tell him he has to go do that somewhere else.
It wouldn't be so bad as a one off but I could not put up with it as a regular thing. It's totally unfair.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2021 11:05

You don’t have a party of this nature with kids in the house! Especially not on a weeknight (which Sunday essentially is).

You either have a party that ends at a reasonable time (by 11 or so) or the person celebrating/ both parents, having hired a babysitter, go out for the evening. A babysitter does tend to put the focus on how late it is getting!

AutistGoth · 05/07/2021 11:05

YANBU. I will start by saying that I don't have children and I know very little about parenting. I'll also say that covid notwithstanding, my DH and I love a good night out/gig/get together ourselves. We're also real ale connoisseurs.

However, I am also in my thirties and I learned not to drink myself to vomiting and hangover stage years ago. Again, it's not something that I know much about, but I would imagine that being incapacitated by alcohol when you're around very young children (and I'm talking about this extent, partying until 4am, not a glass of wine or two like many MNers rightly enjoy) is no more safe than being in control of a car or operating machinery under the influence.

You're not being unreasonable. Keeping you and the children awake like that, to the extent that they were crying and covering their ears is just cruel. Then making a mess for you to clear up whilst he opts out for a day due to an inevitable hangover - and don't get me started on the tobacco stench! - he should be looking after his children, and you too.

TL;DR: YANBU. I'm a childless person and even I would never do that.

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/07/2021 11:06

I was married to someone like your DH was being the important word. He was a selfish twat who only ever thought of himself - so much better off without him.

Seasidemumma77 · 05/07/2021 11:11

Personally would have held party on Friday or Saturday, and would have found somewhere for the children to stay overnight so that I could have fully joined in with the party too.

MerryDecembermas · 05/07/2021 11:12

Why on earth didn't he fuck off to a childless mates house for this?

How disrespectful and disgusting.

Please seriously consider ending this "relationship", it's clear he has no sense of parental responsibility and does not respect you in any way.

HappyWipings · 05/07/2021 11:16

Yanbu , like a pp , I was also married to a man like this. Whenever people came over (once a month or thereabouts) , it would turn into a session and I'd wake to a flat full of stinky hungover people after a terrible night with the kids. We're divorced now , and dd reports that he still does this frequently , she's exhausted when she returns from his house.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that people rarely change. This is who he is. You may need to vote with your feet.

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 11:26

Ah, that was the plan! Covid restrictions (tracker app had him isolating until midnight Saturday) means he changed it to Sunday.
I'm generally not unhappy about a one off party/gathering until that time if we don't have the kids, but even on a weekend I still get pissed off about it if the kids are here.

OP posts:

AutistGoth · 05/07/2021 11:28

Was he supposed to have been at work today?

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 11:28

@MarshmallowSwede

Maybe next birthday party is on Saturday and considering you have two kids people have to be out of your house by 10pm.

Seems like a party until 4 am is for people who don’t have kids with a bedtime. It’s not considerate for your children to have to deal with this.

If he isn’t ok with this, then suggest he go out with friends for his bday next year. Either way, the children’s well being and rest come
Before partying.

It was supposed to be Saturday but had to be rearranged due to some covid restrictions. The 10pm finish is never going to happen with him though, good intentions go out of the window once he's had a few drinks.

OP posts:

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 11:31

@MerryDecembermas

Why on earth didn't he fuck off to a childless mates house for this?

How disrespectful and disgusting.

Please seriously consider ending this "relationship", it's clear he has no sense of parental responsibility and does not respect you in any way.

He is my husband and the father of my kids so I'd rather work on it rather than end it, but I appreciate your validation! I do worry that incidents like this will eventually break us. It feels so disrespectful and I'm full of resentment a lot of the time.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 11:36

As this is a regular occurrence, I think you need to have a good hard think.

What an awful environment for your children to be in.

He sounds like a waster and a mess who behaves like a single man.

Your have a very hard life ahead of you if you accept this.

It is NOT normal family life.

Aprilx · 05/07/2021 11:36

I do get that this is worse from a parent with young children, but as a childless person myself, I would add that this is not typical behaviour for childless people either. Most adults have respect for their own home, show consideration for people living there and neighbours and have to get up for work on a Monday. I thought most people grew out of house parties that end with vomiting at 4am in their early twenties.

As this has happened before, I am struggling to understand why it has happened again. If it had happened once in my house, that would have been it, DH would have to find a better way to celebrate his birthday. Would suggest you tell DH to clear up and make this the last time.

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 11:38

How often does he do it? To be fair last night was his birthday and I think telling him he’s allowed guests till ten is a bit parent child.

To be fair we are like him, we don’t do it often but we did occasionally when our daughter was younger, it really didn’t cause any harm. Now we do it more regularly. Sounds like you’re quite incompatible on the entertaining front. Although to be fair we didn’t do it on a school night.

If it was a couple of times a month I’d prob tell him we needed to cool it down, but for me this depends on how regular it is.

Wardrobebore · 05/07/2021 11:38

He might be your husband and the father if your kids but he’s acting like a single carefree person…. As a one off fine but honestly if he can’t control himself after a few drinks he wouldn’t be drinking in our house he’d have to go elsewhere

Strikethrough · 05/07/2021 11:42

He sounds extremely inconsiderate. For my husbands birthday we went to the petting zoo with our child and had a nice dinner later the two of us! Doesn't getting plastered temporarily go out of the window with young children? (Also how many people did he have in your house, aren't we still under the rule of six in doors and your immediate family is already four?)

Doing it twice a month and being out of action the next day is terrible, you are clearly the default parent in his eyes. Inform him that next weekend YOU are having an evening to yourself, he is to do bedtime with the children, any overnight care plus the early mornings and the whole of the next day (whatever you usually do). Fair's fair.

JustinOtherdad · 05/07/2021 11:43

Make him get up & clean the house he's left in a shit-tip. Hangovers are self inflicted and get very little sympathy in this house. Tell him to man the fuck up and get on with his responsibilities.

You should tell him that he should have more respect for you, his kids and his family life than to behave like that regularly.

CookieClub · 05/07/2021 11:49

I think the bigger issue here is that he can't stop after a few drinks....TBH reminds me of my exH who ended up doing drugs one drunken night and having a one-night stand with someone...I thought it was out of character, but actually the warnings signs were always there that he has zero self-control around alcohol/boundaries, I just didn't give it enough attention.

You need to have a serious conversation with your H. Sounds like you're the only true adult/responsible one in this relationship.

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