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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about my husbands birthday celebrations...

41 replies

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 10:17

Let me start this by saying that I know at least part of me is resentful because he can get pissed and have a good time while I am left being responsible for this kids. But even so....

This weekend was my husbands birthday. We had a few friends and family over during the day and a couple were still here in the evening. I took our eldest (4yo) to bed a little late, had to text husband to ask him to keep the noise down for 10 mins while I read to her and she fell asleep (talking noise, not music) then came back down for the youngest (1yo). Asked husband if he'd not seen my text, he had and 'tried' to keep quiet.
At 9.30pm I took her up (she'd had a late nap so no point trying earlier) and warned/begged husband to please keep the noise down.
10pm she falls asleep, but she's a bad sleeper and I have work in the morning (and dropping the girls to childcare) so I stay upstairs. I can hear them downstairs but it's not too bad, and not waking the kids. At midnight I ask him to close the doors and windows to the conservatory as it's started to get louder and I need sleep, plus it's not fair on the neighbours. At 1am I remind him again, at 2am I ask him again and also if they're outside smoking just to smoke and not stand around having a chat.
4am they wind it up, husband wakes me with very loud vomiting and then to ask where the spare duvet is (obvs too pissed to open the door to spare room and see it right in front of him). 4yo by this point is crying in her sleep and blocking her ears. He slept on the living room floor and his friend on the sofa.
This morning I've come down to an absolute state and house stinking of fags He promises they didn't smoke inside (again, after I was less than pleased with him last time). Kids eat a breakfast bar for breakfast as there is no clean space to eat or make cereal.
Now, as a one off I'd let it go. But each and every time he has a drink and anyone over its some version of the same thing. Last night was actually pretty quiet, but I haven't faced the neighbours yet to see if they were disturbed until 4am on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I'm bloody knackered, kids are too. House is a mess, I have to work on the bed as there is no space downstairs.
I know it's his birthday but I keep having the same argument and with the easing of lockdown it'll only get more frequent. We're in our 30s, live in a quiet suburb, and quite frankly I'm just a bit fed up and don't want to let it go with a 'sorry', just for the same thing to happen in a couple of weeks. I don't think it's fair on the kids, or me.

Also his hangovers are so horrendous that he's completely useless for at least a day after, so I get no help with the kids or house. Then when I'm pissed off I'm the bad guy because he's just having a good time and 'doesn't do it often'.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 11:52

Doing it twice a month and being out of action the next day is terrible

I could be wrong she didn’t say he did it twice w month?

Horehound · 05/07/2021 12:00

He sounds immature.but if I were you I'd have gone downstairs and just said matter of factly "keep the noise level down now as me and DD need to sleep"
I don't know why you faffed around texting him

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 12:03

OP,
Is this an every couple of weeks situation as you write, in pre covid times?

Sounds like he may have a bit of an alcohol issue.

This is NOT regular normal behaviour with young children.

The longer you accept this the worse it will be for your children and yourself.

Many, many women would not tolerate this as anything other than a complete birthday once off.

Groundtoahalt · 05/07/2021 12:04

I'm pretty laid back about this kind of thing but he's a grown man and could at least make some effort to tidy up after himself.

My XH used to have a monthly poker night...the worst I ever cam down to was neat pile of empty bottles/cans that hadn't gone straight out in the recycling.

He'd usually be up before me to air the dining room and get breakfast on.

Disclaimer...he had lots of non entertaining based faults!

Jammydodger1981 · 05/07/2021 12:14

@Bluntness100 - she says he’ll say sorry then the same thing will happen again in a couple of weeks in the OP

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 12:40

Thank you for all your supportive messages!

He's up and cleaning up downstairs, and also brought me up a cup of tea. He tried the 'but it was my birthday' excuse but it's the same every time he has a drink. This is probably about once a month, maybe twice depending on the month.

He knows he's wrong, but the same behaviour continues. I don't want to have to ban having people over. Firstly because he's a grown up and it's his house too, and also because I also like to socialise - I just know I'm a parent first and have responsibilities.
We've had a talk this morning and he's apologised and promised to make some changes - no late night parties while the kids are here. He does seem more sorry this time than usual, so maybe I've finally got through to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 12:42

@Horehound

He sounds immature.but if I were you I'd have gone downstairs and just said matter of factly "keep the noise level down now as me and DD need to sleep" I don't know why you faffed around texting him

I had the baby in bed with me as she's not sleeping well, and she wakes the second I leave her side at the moment. I have previously gone downstairs to tell him to shut up, not that I should have to when I've already gone to bed. I don't see how I ask him to keep the noise down makes much difference.

OP posts:

Horehound · 05/07/2021 12:45

Because other people will hear your request and will likely do as they are told by a mum needing sleep!

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 12:47

@Strikethrough

He sounds extremely inconsiderate. For my husbands birthday we went to the petting zoo with our child and had a nice dinner later the two of us! Doesn't getting plastered temporarily go out of the window with young children? (Also how many people did he have in your house, aren't we still under the rule of six in doors and your immediate family is already four?)

Doing it twice a month and being out of action the next day is terrible, you are clearly the default parent in his eyes. Inform him that next weekend YOU are having an evening to yourself, he is to do bedtime with the children, any overnight care plus the early mornings and the whole of the next day (whatever you usually do). Fair's fair.

By the evening (when we moved inside) there was just us and two friends. Not a wild party or anything, but the volume of his voice is ridiculous after a drink.

For the next two weekends I have hen dos and am out of the house. He's going to get the shock of his life

OP posts:

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 12:49

@Horehound

Because other people will hear your request and will likely do as they are told by a mum needing sleep!

They were well aware of the request and kept reminding him to keep the noise down, though obviously they were drinking too.

OP posts:

Original poster

monotonousmum · 05/07/2021 12:53

@Bluntness100

How often does he do it? To be fair last night was his birthday and I think telling him he’s allowed guests till ten is a bit parent child.

To be fair we are like him, we don’t do it often but we did occasionally when our daughter was younger, it really didn’t cause any harm. Now we do it more regularly. Sounds like you’re quite incompatible on the entertaining front. Although to be fair we didn’t do it on a school night.

If it was a couple of times a month I’d prob tell him we needed to cool it down, but for me this depends on how regular it is.

I wouldn't and didn't tell him he could only have guests until 10, although would be lovely if he could see what was acceptable by himself!

I love having people over, but when we have the kids here and it's a school night I don't think it's acceptable to have to tell him to keep the noise down several times.

It was his bday though, which is why I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable. As a one off, fine. But this is around once a month, sometimes slightly more frequently - not usually a school night but so far always with the kids at home.

OP posts:

RuggerHug · 05/07/2021 12:54

When he didn't keep it down I would have done the ex bouncer speech 'RIGHT NOW EVERYBODY, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here ' and herded them if needs be. Tell him if it ever happens again you will humiliate him in front of his 'guests' because it's not on making the kids suffer, birthday or not.

Coyoacan · 05/07/2021 12:58

To be fair we are like him ... ...If it was a couple of times a month I’d prob tell him we needed to cool it down, but for me this depends on how regular it is

Whao Bluntness100 I've got a neighbour like you and it is no fun.

PearlclutchersInc · 05/07/2021 12:59

TF you're not my neighbours. Your DH is a selfish shit (since this happens regularly). What more do you need to know - he doesnt even consider you let alone anyone else.

(This as a knackered neighbour....)

billy1966 · 05/07/2021 13:03

@PearlclutchersInc

TF you're not my neighbours. Your DH is a selfish shit (since this happens regularly). What more do you need to know - he doesnt even consider you let alone anyone else.

(This as a knackered neighbour....)

Indeed, god help the neighbours, not a shred of decency nor consideration.

You can just imagine what they think of the OP's family.

MrsToothyBitch · 05/07/2021 13:04

I'd have said they had to leave when the baby went down- that has to be a priority.
Also a Saturday night no work tomorrow type party should have been rearranged for another Saturday night, not a Sunday with work tomorrow. He is an adult and should be able to handle it. He sounds thoughtless at best and selfish at worst. No one wants to be seen as a nag saying no continually- but view it as standing up for your Dds, and point this out to him. Hopefully 2 weekends with the Dds and you away should give him some appreciation for you and all you do. Live it up and enjoy yourself. If he complains, remind him that it's not as if you do this all time- certainly not even with the frequency of his "rare" nights out.

Do you have a paper calendar you could make a point of marking his booze nights on? And your own down time? Visual aids are v useful.

Also, as other Pp have said, the real issue is that he still drinks like an 18 year old. Tell him it's not attractive, funny or charming on an adult with responsibilities. Demand better.

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