Life isn’t supposed to be this shit, is it?

[Samesdiffday]

Single parent (not the difficult bit but probably relevant in some way)
2 kids. One off the rails teenager that’s smoking weed and running away at every given opportunity and one younger one that likely has autism or adhd or both.
Relationship with eldest is broken. Love the bones of the youngest but oh my god is it hard work.
Every day is the same. I work during school hours. I can’t go to the shop, collect parcels, run errands as youngest refuses to do any of these things.
I spend the weekends encouraging him to get dressed, and by the time he’s dressed it’s almost time to spend 2 hours moaning at him to get in the bath. It’s so mentally draining. Things that should take half an hour take 2 hours.
Sometimes I think it’s not worth trying to leave the house.
The rest of the day is spent battling over electronics.
It’s not fun. Once we’re out (as long as it’s out, not a shop ect) it’s fine and we’ll generally have a nice day but getting out is so difficult and he doesn’t want to go anywhere fun with just me and I don’t have many friends to go with.
We don’t have fun indoors together. He doesn’t want to do anything except play on the iPad and spends most of the time either ignoring me because he’s on it, or shouting at me because he’s not. We occasionally have a movie night or play a board game. Occasionally.
Then he wants to sleep in my bed, or calls me in his room because he’s scared. I just want to be alone by this point.
Tonight I ran his bath at 6. He finally got in it at 7:30. I put him in bed at 8 and got in the bath and the second he heard me get in the bath he got up because he’s scared of his room. So now when I get out I’ve got to go through the whole getting him in bed process again.
I don’t know what answers I’m expecting. I just feel like the life is draining out of me and I feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s not all bad I know it isn’t, but I know I’m not a fun mum and I wish I was. It’s just an endless cycle of moaning and tantrums and stress.

Quite isolated where I live too which doesn’t help. I relocated a few years ago and don’t really know anybody locally. I know a few people to meet up with for play dates but not close friends.

I don't know. Mine is so can't help

I get it. No advice though except could you relocate back to family and friends. I can offer advice to the younger one management if you'd like to private message me. You can also private message me to offload anytime. Offloading helps, wine helps, and one thing in the day for you. Be it a latte or a chocolate bar. Hug from me. This shall pass. Don't wait for life to not be hard to be happy.

What is he scared of in his room when alone? Is it the dark? You could get a couple of those desktop LED mood lamps that run off mains or off a USB socket. You make them either colour-changing, white or any static colour.

How old are they OP?

I am sorry things are so hard @Samesdiffday. It sounds very difficult and you sound like you are very patient and loving. I am also sorry about your relationship with your eldest, can you tell us more about that (if you want to)?

Is getting your younger son’s autism and/or adhd diagnosed a possibility, and maybe that would help get you some support, at the very least from his school?

Are there virtual support groups you could join for parents of children with autism? Do you have supportive family you can speak to on the phone or is moving to be near them an option?

@Daisy1245 Thank you ds still awake so may pm you in a bit

@TrickorTreacle He is scared of monsters and think his room is haunted. He is a colour changing light bulb with a remote and has gone from having the light to dim to now full on bright, which doesn’t help with falling asleep but he won’t have it dimmer.

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe 16 and 7 so year 11 and 2.

@devastating Eldest has just gone off the rails and it’s ruined our relationship because of all the hurt she is causing. Lots of support and professionals involved with her. Youngest on the path to diagnosis, school are fairly supportive but also a major source of stress. I’m actually near my parents now but they’re not a huge help practically. My youngest doesn’t really want to be with anyone but me and a lot of people find him too much hard work. He’s a lovely boy, it’s the day to day mundane stuff that’s hard, not him.

I don’t want to make it sound like my ds is the problem. He’s not. It’s just exhausting trying to get him to do anything. We’re happiest when we’re out, but getting out is so hard and I have nobody to go with.

Is it possible your oldest is Autisic also? Have you explored female autistic presentation? Might give you some insight into her struggles. I was convinced my youngest wasn't autistic as he was so different from his diagnosed sister. Turns out I was very wrong.

I am sending hugs, parenting is hard, parenting children who don't fit the mould is harder, doing it all with little to no statutory support is beyond exhausting. It's not you, you are not failing, the system is failing us and our children.

OP you sound amazing. So sorry the situation is what it is. Praying it eases for you x

It isn't but it often is. Mine's shit, too. You're not alone.

for you. My daughter was utterly horrific from about 13 to 17. Police involved, drugs, running away, cahms, anti depressants, bad crowd etc. She’s now 19 and, touch wood, is almost human again
There is hope. Your relationship hasn’t broken. Please just hang on in there for both your sakes. The days will go past, and you WILL come out the other side.
Would it be easier with your little one if he slept in your room? Is that something you would feel comfortable with?
None of this is your fault. Dig deep and be gentle on yourself. My daughter so nearly broke me.

Didn't want to read and run.
Me single parent too.
tough things to cope with.
At least virtually you are not alone.
it is tough.
Thinking of you.
Keep posting.

Sending enormous amounts of empathy.

Look up 'The B Team' on Facebook. Absolutely brilliant practical and emotional support for parents of challenging / neurodivergent kids. Everyone there gets it.

@Sideorderofchips hope you’re ok

@Queenelsarules no pretty positive she isn’t. She’s been under camhs for years.

@RickOShay I feel like I’ve given up on her. I wish there was somewhere else she could go because I’ve had enough. I don’t know how much longer I can do it with her.
Youngest can and does sleep with me sometimes, but sometimes I just need a break. I also don’t sleep well when he’s in with me, always wake up sore.

@BombyliusMajor thank you will check it out

Could you make a separate bed for him? Even a nest?

The thing is you can’t give up on her, because then you give up on yourself. Do you have any support?
I broke down to the school one awful afternoon and they referred us to Early Help. The woman they sent saved me. I think you can self refer.
I really feel for you.
Like Daisy, I’m more than happy if you would like to pm me.

Practical suggestions off the top of my head

Can you join any SN groups near you even if they're not meeting up yet, you may find the online groups helpful? ( Plus you can ask if anyone's had similar issues, someone may have strategies to try?)

Laminated timetables helped with my DC ( with pictures as DC couldn't tell the time)

Can you ask SW for respite - just to give you a tiny bit of breathing space?

OP, it sounds exhausting for you.

DC1 is autistic and has a similar fear of their room but quite likes creating a camp/nest on the floor using a double duvet and lots of cushions. They've been known to sleep through the night in their camp (thank goodness). You may have already tried this but if not it may be worth a go? Other nights DC is in with me for my own sanity - I just can't fight bedtime every night - so I get what you mean about needing physical space.

I hear your stress op. I've 2 dc. Youngest is diagnosed ASC with learning difficulties and is going through assessment for adhd. Everything is a battle ground.
Melatonin has been a game changer. She is still herself but at least she can now switch off at night. The more consistent her sleep the better able she is to cope with her day.
Might be worth asking your pediatrician.

Huge hugs OP. I think you’re doing an amazing job - my 4YO twins are autistic and we rarely leave the house (except for them going to school). I don’t have to do it on my own either as I have DH.

I would really push for a section 17 social care assessment for your 7YO and a carers assessment for yourself. You really need some respite and I would push for that. Yes it will be difficult for your son at first but it’s good for him to be used to having someone else in charge of him even if just for a few hours - if you for example had to go into hospital then it’s good to know they can be cared for by someone else.

Social care have just given us a few hours help a week in school holidays - not respite as it’s only one person, but so I can get them out. I think you need a regular break and I would be pushing for that.

Are you entitled to any benefits? Would you be if you reduced to four days a week so you could have a day to rest or get things done? Are you claiming DLA for your son?

Sounds like your doing great op , I only have 1 14yr old, it's hard.

Would be great if your 16yr old would help! Is there some support you can get? Sounds like you need a break and time for yourself if you can x

Feel the same too, had a horrible week, single mum and dd is austisic I adore her but she is hard work. She's had a falling out with a friend she used to FaceTime so has been bored all week and weekend. When she used to FaceTime I had some me time but that's stopped now!! Not much family support or friends either. I had a night out planned with a male friend last night but he cancelled on me! Sick of feeling isolated to be honest. Off to bed soon hopefully it will be a brighter week.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 you sound like an amazing Mum.

My only advice would be to choose your battles. Give reward / praise for great results ie in the bath quicker = a treat
If they co sleep- get up & sleep in their bed & reward for sleeping alone when they wake in the morning
Small steps xx

Sorry to hear that, OP. I'm sure you're not giving up on your eldest though perhaps you're taking half a step back to allow her to learn a little more about herself until she's better able to accept your support and improve her behaviour?

Good luck.

It's bloody hard!

Only snippets of advice/hope I can offer is that it gets easier eventually.

I gave up on battling electrical devices, hygiene routines were to the bare minimum to prevent social services knocking, I picked my battles and used a system of non negotiable for things we had to do. I wasn't a single parent but got very little back up (he would also play all day on PlayStation given opportunity!) Around 11 things began to change and in some ways easier though her mental health took a nosedive and we had lots of professionals involved. Hoping she'll finally leave home in September after several false starts. (Her dad finally left but at least he pays for things)