Life isn’t supposed to be this shit, is it?

[Samesdiffday]

Single parent (not the difficult bit but probably relevant in some way)
2 kids. One off the rails teenager that’s smoking weed and running away at every given opportunity and one younger one that likely has autism or adhd or both.
Relationship with eldest is broken. Love the bones of the youngest but oh my god is it hard work.
Every day is the same. I work during school hours. I can’t go to the shop, collect parcels, run errands as youngest refuses to do any of these things.
I spend the weekends encouraging him to get dressed, and by the time he’s dressed it’s almost time to spend 2 hours moaning at him to get in the bath. It’s so mentally draining. Things that should take half an hour take 2 hours.
Sometimes I think it’s not worth trying to leave the house.
The rest of the day is spent battling over electronics.
It’s not fun. Once we’re out (as long as it’s out, not a shop ect) it’s fine and we’ll generally have a nice day but getting out is so difficult and he doesn’t want to go anywhere fun with just me and I don’t have many friends to go with.
We don’t have fun indoors together. He doesn’t want to do anything except play on the iPad and spends most of the time either ignoring me because he’s on it, or shouting at me because he’s not. We occasionally have a movie night or play a board game. Occasionally.
Then he wants to sleep in my bed, or calls me in his room because he’s scared. I just want to be alone by this point.
Tonight I ran his bath at 6. He finally got in it at 7:30. I put him in bed at 8 and got in the bath and the second he heard me get in the bath he got up because he’s scared of his room. So now when I get out I’ve got to go through the whole getting him in bed process again.
I don’t know what answers I’m expecting. I just feel like the life is draining out of me and I feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s not all bad I know it isn’t, but I know I’m not a fun mum and I wish I was. It’s just an endless cycle of moaning and tantrums and stress.

I’m actually quite lucky in that once he’s asleep which is normally by 8:30, he goes straight through. I think tonight was tough because I hadn’t managed to get him out so he probably wasn’t that tired.

@SinkGirl I wish I could do 4 days at work. It would help massively but my manager has said no, it’s the nature of my job really.
I’ve printed off the dla forms but I’m reluctant to fill them out. It doesn’t feel like I’m entitled. Generally he’s fine, you wouldn’t know he had difficulties if you met him. Plus not every day is a bad day. I hate speaking about the negatives as I feel like I’m being disloyal to him or making him sound bad when I love him to bits and he is actually my best friend.
It’s just hard. He tells me a lot he hates his life and he hates me. I know he doesn’t mean it, he’s overwhelmed but it’s hard to take when you’re trying your best.

With the little one, can you try a visual timetable? DD finds it much easier to deal with transitions that way. The other thing we've found helpful is just reducing demands. Is the bath necessary every day? (It might be, if losing the routine would mean he will never bathe - but equally it might not be, if he would be willing to do every other day). Does he have to wear clothes? I wouldn't bat an eyelid at a 7yo in a onesie or PJs out of the house.

I can't help with your youngest child as I have no experience with autism or adhd.
However, your eldest child might be going off the rails now but don't give up.
My eldest DS was a fucking nightmare between 14-17. Bunked off school, smoked weed, got drunk, dad disappeared for days at a time. Was awful. All came to a head when he was 17, 6ft and drink and tried to head butt me and punched his dad. We told him to leave immediately.
He left. I was heartbroken at what had happened. Didn't see him for nearly a year but he grew up...Living alone in a bedsit with no money and being made to take part in training to find a job. His life was not all he thought it would be!
He's now 27 and an absolutely lovely young man with a good job and deeply regrets his behaviour.
Your eldest will come back to you..

He would not "dad"!

@Samesdiffday I felt the same about the DLA forms. I did eventually do them, using the Cerebra guide which is invaluable cerebra.org.uk/download/disability-living-allowance-dla-guide/

I am going to get stern here, you ARE entitled to apply and you absolutely should. The forms ask things like how long does it take for a bath - your DS is similar to my DD by the sounds of it - only ten minutes for the actual bath, but 3 hours plus preparing for it, making sure it's on the timetable, reminding, etc. You can't just say "bath time" or "time to go out" or "let's do X".

DLA has been an absolute blessing. It's a passport to a number of discounts - so I can take DD swimming or to soft play and if she has to leave after 10 minutes because of sensory overload I don't resent the cost. It's a taxi home when she has a giant meltdown and is unable to access public transport. It's the nappies she still needs, the segmented plate to stop food touching, the lights for her sensory den, the chewy sticks and fidget toys. We also have after school care from someone with experience in SEND as DD can't cope with after school club. DLA doesn't cover that but I think for those on low incomes social services will - we fund it ourselves. Parenting a child with SEND is expensive. If you are entitled to DLA absolutely apply for it.

@romany4 glad your ds (and you) came out the other side. Stories like that do give me some hope.

@KarmaViolet you are right. Maybe it’s just about me admitting it to myself. Sometimes I think it’s not that bad, and I’m exaggerating or making things worse with my approach and that we shouldn’t be entitled to extra help really. Some days he’s so ‘good’ but then I have a bad weekend like this one and I feel like I can’t cope.
I don’t actually know what he finds difficult about getting out. It’s a mixture of electronics, and transitions I think.
Some days he’ll get in the bath within 10 mins. Other times it’s an hour. Same with getting dressed, that often depends on what’s next. If it’s somewhere he wants to go or we’re meeting someone, it’s quick. So should I be entitled to dla?
He might run off when we’re out if he’s angry so I need to watch him but at the same time I can sit on a bench and chill in a playground if he’s playing with his friends, with little supervision. He might have a meltdown and shout and scream in public, or he might not. It varies so much.

Yes, you are still entitled to DLA. When you do DLA you report what they are like on their worst day. Because yes, there are good days, but ultimately when you're in the playground you have to supervise as though it's all going to go wrong! Mine is a bolter. Not always - 3 times out of 5 we can go out and it's fine. But I have to supervise as though she is about to do a runner every time, because I can't predict which times will be fine and which times won't.

Also, you are not making it worse with your approach, I can absolutely promise you that

You are dealing with a whole massive load of shit and you are seeking appropriate advice and support, online and by the sounds of it offline too.

You're more or less describing my life OP. It's bloody exhausting and so hard to find any joy. That doesn't really help you but it helped me to read your OP. Thank you!

@KarmaViolet

Yes, you are still entitled to DLA. When you do DLA you report what they are like on their worst day. Because yes, there are good days, but ultimately when you're in the playground you have to supervise as though it's all going to go wrong! Mine is a bolter. Not always - 3 times out of 5 we can go out and it's fine. But I have to supervise as though she is about to do a runner every time, because I can't predict which times will be fine and which times won't.

Just needed to say, this was the advice but it had changed - definitely don’t fill it in as if it’s your worst day.

The form now has boxes for how long things take and how many times a week / day. So you could either write that getting your son into the bath takes 10 mins - 60 mins and that’s 7 days a week, or less obviously if you don’t bath him every day.

Then explain in the text box that it’s very variable and will depend on other factors.

Also a LP
2 DS and one recently assessed with asd

I totally hear you
We have school refusal this end and what feels like endless mini explosions between them

It’s totally exhausting !

I take sertraline , and have a joined a very good forum on Facebook

I’ve also cut down who I speak to about things
To avoid bad advice

But it’s hard hard hard hard
And I do have days (moment ) when I wish I was dead
Not daily but I can get low

You need a support network even if virtual OP

Please go easy on yourself. I gave up on the hygiene issue(other than teeth), as long as my son washes once a week I am happy. He is pre pubescent so not too smelly. It's not worth the grief.

Hope you are ok @Samesdiffday

Not had a great day but I’m ok thanks