AIBU or are they? (Neighbour confusion)

[Bunnyfuller]

Grrrrrr MN today, just typed long post and webpage reloaded!

So probably more readable version: we moved into a semi detached house a few months ago. To start with neighbours seemed friendly, but since then seem a bit standoffish. Moving day they said please pop round if you need anything, come over for a cuppa when people can mix etc.

We asked for some help lifting something a workman had let us down on, 1 minute job. The man did it but wasn’t v friendly to DH. He then popped round a few weeks later to ask to borrow some of our drive for a little while, was friendly and again said anything we need etc, he told me he had good contacts for builders plumbers etc when I mentioned we wanted bathrooms and decorating but struggling to find anyone.

A few weeks later (still struggling to find tradesmen) I popped round and it was just the wife in, asked for their trade contacts. She explained she was home alone for the evening as husband working late. They have a young child so I said don’t worry about bringing it round, here’s my number, just send it. She said ooh good idea, will be handy.

Then no text, but her husband called me the next day and tersely explained he would get their details to me. I thanked him, and again when a text with details arrived. Nothing at all since them, not seen them.

This week a knock at the door and there is a delivery man holding a parcel, handed it to me, I said this isn’t ours. He explained next door had a note up ‘please deliver to number ***’ (us).

I don’t get it - are we helpy neighbours or not? I texted and said we have a parcel for you. He said yes, we know, we’re away will collect tomorrow night’ we’ll they’re home, not collected, and I don’t feel I can take it round because it really feels like they’re keeping us at arms length.

We e just moved from a lovely village, where everyone helped each other without being intrusive. It’s an adjustment here anyway, zero sense of community, but I’m really confused by the on/off.

And I would never expect parcels to be taken in without asking!

The snub thing is a bit crazy too. It means literally nothing that she passed him the number. He had the info. No one has snubbed you.

I think it’s very sad that people are seeming to want to be locked in their own little brick boxes, with barely a word to those near them. What a cold existence.

But that’s not what’s happening here! When you moved in they stopped to chat and introduce themselves. But you appear to think that was an inconvenience?

They asked to use your drive and were chatty and friendly. They said pop round sometime - they’re making an effort.

They took your phone number and gave you details of trades - they’d even offered them proactively if you wanted, you say.

Your evidence of them being unfriendly seems to be just that the husband wasn’t entirely enthusiastic about moving something- maybe it was an inconvenient time but he did it anyway? And then he left you a message to say he’d get the trades numbers to you (not leaving it hanging) and then he did that promptly.

Fine, note on the door maybe a bit presumptuous but I couldn’t get worked up about that as a one-off while they’re away. Different if they’re permanently expecting you to take their parcels just because it’s inconvenient to them.

Relationships develop with time. Give them a bit of grace!

I don’t see what they’ve done wrong, to be honest. It sounds like you’ve each helped the other out in a neighbourly way - they helped you move an item, you let them use your drive temporarily, they shared some local knowledge about tradesmen, you took in their parcel. That sounds helpful and positive on both sides. Am I missing something?

The parcel thing is rude and presumptuous.

Drop it over and be polite but a little chilly.

I have polite brief interactions with my lovely neighbours and leave it at that.

If they are hot and cold, it is best to respond with polite chilly in my view.

Everyone knows where they stand.

I think not checking with you about the parcel and now not picking up promptly is bloody rude, so I would pull back now.

The parcel thing annoys me there's a girl who lives 2 doors away from my parents and at Christmas time a parcel was delivered to there house for her when I went to bring it down she had a note in her door deliver parcels to 49, bear in mind she would hardly look at you in the street my folks r 64 my mum has copd and can't rush to open the door so I told I don't mind the odd parcel now and again but was nt happening on a daily basis and my mum is not well and would kill herself rushing to answer the door.

@babygirl ironically I have inflammatory arthritis, and similar dashes to the door, and trips up and down steep drives isn’t top of my list of fun things.

I expect I will get told it’s my own fault, and I should think of them with their child and terribly busy life.

Shit day WFH (10 hours plus 2 school runs so far) and fed up with what seems to be a growing acceptance of general rudeness. I think I have officially hit the age where I really don’t like what the world is becoming.

If they aren't effusive with gratitude I wouldn't accept another parcel.

ironically I have inflammatory arthritis, and similar dashes to the door, and trips up and down steep drives isn’t top of my list of fun things.

Just wait for them to collect the parcel, nobody is suggesting you have to take it anywhere.

I think you’re just looking for reasons to be upset, it’s very confusing.

If you want to be best buddy neighbours taking in a parcel is the very least you could do, it only seems you want them to do things to help you and not vice versa.

I think you're being a bit harsh calling people cold and sad.

I'm an introvert, I don't like chatting. I'll take in parcels, I'll water plants, I'll help in emergencies, I'll say hi on the street.

But I decline street party/bbq invites. I like to stay fairly anonymous. I have my own chosen friends that I see when I choose, but I don't want to become involved with neighbours, it's too close to home.

If you want to live in a lovely close community minded village then you need to research where that might be. You can't just assume that your new neighbours should behave the way you would like them to.

I really don't think your neighbours have done anything wrong.

Shit day WFH (10 hours plus 2 school runs so far) and fed up with what seems to be a growing acceptance of general rudeness. I think I have officially hit the age where I really don’t like what the world is becoming.

I don't understand what this has to do with your neighbours. The world is becoming a place where people don't want to be automatic assumed besties with whoever happens to move next door to them?

And, @TourdeTarte that is the problem. Exactly. People assuming you want to be ‘besties’ because you think a bit of friendly interaction is ok, especially when the other party say ‘you must come for a cuppa when you’re settled’.

I too am introvert and only like company in very small doses, on my own terms. I feel like they’ve acted like ‘oh shit, she’s going to be here all the time’ after a couple of interactions.

A lot of responses here have made me realise I’m definitely getting old and out of touch.

I took the parcel round, and got ‘thanks’ and door closed. Perhaps they’re on MN!

I too am introvert and only like company in very small doses, on my own terms
Maybe they are too - you don't get everything YOUR way 100% of the time and they aren't doing anything wrong by not doing everything your way 100% of the time. The more you post, the worse you sound. They've not done anything remotely wrong or abnormal.

I'm still confused why it's okay to leave a note on your door to deliver to your new neighbours without even asking if it's okay. And then not even coming to get it. Well done for taking the parcel to them though OP. Saves the stewing over it. You're welcome to be my neighbour! .

I'm still confused by your responses OP

I agree with NoSquirrels, LawnFever, PinkDelight, Feawen, TourdeTarte and so many others.

The note on the door might have made me raise one eyebrow but not got worked up about, everything else sounds entirely normal and neighbourly to me.

Thank you all for your answers. I accept that IABU, but Lord, what a miserable closed off world we are living in.

And I still think it is rude not asking, or the one word ‘thanks’.

Oh well.

Ok, forget the parcel situation.

How would you have liked them to behave differently? What would you have liked them to say?

My world isn't miserable, nor closed off.

@BackforGood how do you know?

OP , do you have the Nextdoor app? It's a site for local people and local tradesmen etc are always making themselves known . There are also recommendations from people who have used the services of said tradesmen . Good luck .
Ps . I'd avoid those neighbours

I don't understand your question, sorry.

I mean, obviously I can tell I'm not miserable, and obviously I can tell my world isn't closed off or isolated or alone, so I don't understand what you are asking me ?

@Bunnyfuller

Thank you all for your answers. I accept that IABU, but Lord, what a miserable closed off world we are living in.

And I still think it is rude not asking, or the one word ‘thanks’.

Oh well.

How in gods name have you deduced the world is miserable & closed off because your neighbour had a parcel delivered to your house, helped you move some furniture, chatted to you and asked to use your drive & passed on some trades details as promised.

I sometimes don’t see our neighbours for weeks, we’re pleasant when we do but that’s fine.

I genuinely don’t understand why when you’re so keen to be friends you’re not glad they feel comfortable having their parcel left with you, not irritated by it

You sound very easily offended tbh OP. I'm a bit baffled that you think it was rude that the husband texted you rather than the wife also texting so you have her number.

It is a bit rude that they left a note saying to deliver to you without asking, but the rest of the stuff you're saying is rude is just totally ridiculous.

I’m not offended, and I didn’t say everything they’ve done is rude, I’ve said I’m confused - they blow hot and cold, say one thing, do another, chatty when they need something, terse when they don’t.

I’m not offended at all, feeling snubbed doesn’t mean feeling offended ffs, it means you feel someone has rejected something you’ve offered, in this case a text that SHE said ‘oh good idea, it’ll be handy’ not me. My purpose of offering it was to save her leaving her dd alone when she gave the info.

I’m clearly out of step with what is ok now. I’m 53 and always try to think of others’ feelings and been polite, even if I didn’t want a lifelong friendship. Funnily enough, some of my best friends have come about through that approach.

@Bunnyfuller - I would say that YOU are handy and THEY are not. I get the impression that these people might be the sort of people that are covert CF’s. Sweet as pie when they want something, cold as ice when reciprocation is expected. Fuck them. Life’s too short. You sound fabulous. Make sure you don’t end up accidentally volunteering to babysit.

TO my mind, having a neighbour's phone number is probably a good idea if you should ever need to call them in some unforeseen emergency in the future, though, not for a daily chat.