AIBU or are they? (Neighbour confusion)

[Bunnyfuller]

Grrrrrr MN today, just typed long post and webpage reloaded!

So probably more readable version: we moved into a semi detached house a few months ago. To start with neighbours seemed friendly, but since then seem a bit standoffish. Moving day they said please pop round if you need anything, come over for a cuppa when people can mix etc.

We asked for some help lifting something a workman had let us down on, 1 minute job. The man did it but wasn’t v friendly to DH. He then popped round a few weeks later to ask to borrow some of our drive for a little while, was friendly and again said anything we need etc, he told me he had good contacts for builders plumbers etc when I mentioned we wanted bathrooms and decorating but struggling to find anyone.

A few weeks later (still struggling to find tradesmen) I popped round and it was just the wife in, asked for their trade contacts. She explained she was home alone for the evening as husband working late. They have a young child so I said don’t worry about bringing it round, here’s my number, just send it. She said ooh good idea, will be handy.

Then no text, but her husband called me the next day and tersely explained he would get their details to me. I thanked him, and again when a text with details arrived. Nothing at all since them, not seen them.

This week a knock at the door and there is a delivery man holding a parcel, handed it to me, I said this isn’t ours. He explained next door had a note up ‘please deliver to number ***’ (us).

I don’t get it - are we helpy neighbours or not? I texted and said we have a parcel for you. He said yes, we know, we’re away will collect tomorrow night’ we’ll they’re home, not collected, and I don’t feel I can take it round because it really feels like they’re keeping us at arms length.

We e just moved from a lovely village, where everyone helped each other without being intrusive. It’s an adjustment here anyway, zero sense of community, but I’m really confused by the on/off.

And I would never expect parcels to be taken in without asking!

I think you’re overthinking it.

But @LawnFever it says in the OP that the neighbours had put a note on their door to deliver to next door?

Just pop round and hand in the parcel and ask if they had a nice holiday.

It could be that they got the notification of delivery date just as they were leaving and you weren't in? (could have texted I suppose though). On the other hand if they just said they were away, maybe someone is ill or dying and they rushed away and have now forgotten about the parcel?

Previous behaviour sounds about average neighbour interactions, some are more friendly than others.

@ForeverSausages

But *@LawnFever* it says in the OP that the neighbours had put a note on their door to deliver to next door?

I took that as a note on their delivery account.

Well I think they have a bloody cheek knowing they were going to be away and just putting you down to take it in without even mentioning it.
I wouldn't take it to them.
They seem like the type to pretend their all nice and neighbourly but only when it suits them.

I’ve just really re read it to understand what they’ve done wrong and no I don’t understand.
They’ve been friendly helpful but that’s it they are neighbours not your friends . You asked for tradesmen and the next day he rang you why did you want a text straight away ? .
I’m puzzled by this they obviously thought you wouldn’t mind about the parcel . I’ve took parcels in for neighbours I’ve never even spoken to before.
If you really want to be more friendly with them then invite them round don’t wait for them to ask you .

I think you're making a bit of an issue out of what is probably nothing. They may just be really busy, he might've been feeling unwell when you asked him to help lifting, maybe he didn't want to get close enough to help you with lifting because of Covid, they might be forgetful with texting, etc etc. There are a lot of reasons for this kind of thing and usually it's just one neighbour over analysing everything.
We moved into our new place last October and it's been really hard to establish relationships with the neighbours because of Covid. We know the people who are either side pretty well but really get on with the people who are two doors up. We wanted to invite people over for a BBQ but couldn't because of Covid and then when there was the rule of six we couldn't only invite one neighbour and not others because it would look exclusionary. We didn't want to knock on doors when we moved in because we didn't know if people were vulnerable or isolating or what their boundaries are like - same with dropping off a card or gift and touching things. At Christmas, DS was really unwell and taken into hospital and we just completely forgot about cards, but two of our neighbours dropped some to us and we felt awful. I'm sure there are lots we did that could lead our neighbours to think we don't like them or want to be friends or help each other out but that's not true - it's just how some decisions might come across.

It was a physical note on their front door. When I texted about the parcel he said ‘yeah we know, we will collect it when we’re back’. If there’s time to stick a note on the door, there’s time to ask surely.

It was the wife I gave my number to, and she said she would text me and ‘good idea, it will be handy’.

They haven’t done anything wrong I guess, it just seems a bit of a sad world when you barely exchange pleasantries with your neighbours. I guess I’m missing the friendly and supportive community spirit of village life. I wouldn’t be asking anyone here to feed cat/water plants, I’m not letting strangers in my house. I’ve been friendly with every neighbour I’ve had, to varying degrees so I find it all a bit cold and odd.

I'm still shocked that people do this thinking it's okay??!! If my neighbour did that I'd refuse to take the parcel in as it's just beyond cheeky. And then to not even come and collect it. I'd drop it round to them OP as you're just going to be stewing over it. I'd feel the same as you .

@ForeverSausages

I'm still shocked that people do this thinking it's okay??!! If my neighbour did that I'd refuse to take the parcel in as it's just beyond cheeky. And then to not even come and collect it. I'd drop it round to them OP as you're just going to be stewing over it. I'd feel the same as you .

How much of an inconvenience is it really to take in a parcel??

The OP wants them to be neighbourly when it suits her, looking out & passing in trades details within a set timescale but not when it suits them, taking in a parcel, seems they really can’t win.

Another here who is confused as to what they are supposed to have done wrong. They presumably want to be neighbourly but aren't particularly looking to make new best friends. Its the sort of relationship many of us have with neighbours.

As for asking your neighbour each time if they will take a parcel in . Surely normal people just take it in if they are there when the delivery driver knocks.

@LawnFever

How much of an inconvenience is it really to take in a parcel??

Depends on how big the parcel is.

We and our neighbours take in parcels for each other all the time, and due to work can often miss each other so parcels don't get handed over for a day or two, and isn't usually a problem. But the day I took in two huge boxes for them was a day I needed rid asap.

Sadly OP it seems that your new neighbours aren't as friendly as those you've been used to. I would just give it more time for a relationship to build. However, I do think that expecting you to take their parcel in without checking if it was OK, was a bit cheeky, and I would definitely be miffed if I'd taken it in without being asked, and then they didn't fetch it within a few hours of getting back. After all, why should you be lumbered with their stuff filling your house up. I don't have any neighbours currently (hooray!), but used to take in lots of parcels for various neighbours who worked, and never complained, until a neighbour had several large boxes delivered over a couple of days, and didn't bother to collect them until I went and knocked the door, in spite of the fact that I know the delivery chap put a note through their door to tell them where they were. After that, I refused further parcels, as I felt I was being taken for granted.

After other experiences, I'm really far happier not having neighbours, and if I do have them again, will be keeping myself to myself, as it's all too easy to end up with CF neighbours.

I dont get why you think they're being unfriendly.

Maybe with young dc they dont want to be friends but that doesn't mean you cabt have a helpful friendly relationship.

And I've taken in parcels for loads of neighbours and a couple have for me, none of us have asked permission ... I thought it's just a thing you do for neighbours.

I think sometimes people misread on MN. I don’t have a problem taking parcels in. I have a problem with making it clear you don’t want anything to do with someone - tbf I wasn’t arsed about the tradesmen.

I gave my number to the WIFE, WHO SAID ‘great, I will text you, it will be handy’. I did NOT give my number to the husband. Her not texting and saying ‘here I am’ but putting it across to DH feels like a snub.

And I think it is only common courtesy to at least mention, to new neighbours you are not making any effort to know, to at least mention you’re actively planning for them to take a delivery in for you. And then not frigging collect it!

As many have said, it’s clear they have no need of some new friends, so bugger them!

How much of an inconvenience is it really to take in a parcel??

Depends on the size of the parcel. Depends on how many parcels. Depends on whether they knew they weren't going to be in for said parcel(s) and just stuck a note on the door to deliver it to next door without even asking if that's okay. Depends on whether they actually come to collect their parcel.

You're my neighbour that leaves parcels with me for weeks waiting for me to deliver them to you? .

I gave my number to the WIFE, WHO SAID ‘great, I will text you, it will be handy’. I did NOT give my number to the husband. Her not texting and saying ‘here I am’ but putting it across to DH feels like a snub.

So actually you feel put out that you offered your number to her, and she didn’t offer hers back?

But you only gave the number really so her DH could text you details of tradesmen (which he did, so far so friendly, I’d have thought). So she did what you asked.

I think you’ve got high expectations of neighbourliness. They sound pretty similar to the way we talk with our neighbours. Not rude, helpful when needed, but we don’t text each other!

I think, as our family are either overseas, or so far distant in the UK that they might as well be, neighbours have always been a bit more like friends than just ‘those next door’. Where we lived when the DCs were young, lots of neighbours had kids similar age and we all mucked in with things, kids playing etc. We also never left elderly to get on with it alone. Obviously not in your face, and never if it was made clear it wasn’t welcome.

Same in the village we just moved from, the village rallied round if someone was ill, or say during Covid. I think it’s very sad that people are seeming to want to be locked in their own little brick boxes, with barely a word to those near them. What a cold existence.

It is clear that it must be me BU, and I need to join the race to the bottom of community spirit.

I’m a bloody lovely neighbour but I bet you lot are the lady next door!

😂😂😂🙈

They’re not being OTT friendly but they’re talking to you, finding you tradesmen etc. It might just take them longer to become friends with people than it does for you.

We have a 3 year old and (unrelated to the 3 year old) we also have quite a lot of work and personal stresses in our lives. Added together, our lives are quite overwhelming at the moment. We have kind, helpful neighbours and I try to reciprocate but I'm afraid that sometimes what is meant as a friendly smile comes out as a maniacal grimace when I'm having a bad moment and I find it hard to be zen and smiley when late for work and off the back of dealing with yet another tantrum. I hope we're not your neighbours as we don't mean to be unfriendly !

I'm sure you'll find your people OP, I have some neighbours that I can talk to for hours, others for casual chit chat, some that will just wave and say hello and some that will actively avoid eye contact. I'm the same person so I just go with whatever relationship they want...or don't.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast ah! No, totally understand grimaces from tantrums! There’s only 13 months between our DCs so still have flashbacks to those days!

I think it’s like the tile, I feel like they’ve blown a bit hot and cold. On moving day we had to stop what we were doing to talk to the neighbour, who stopped at the drive, with child and started chatting. Ditto when he wanted to use our drive for a morning. Very friendly and chatty. Then we ask a couple of things and it couldn’t be more brief if they tried!

The parcel was completely bizarre for me because I would always ask, at least until such time as we knew each other a bit more!

In our experience, you really never know when you might need that neighbour in an emergency, so why not be a little more approachable?

@Bunnyfuller

I think sometimes people misread on MN. I don’t have a problem taking parcels in. I have a problem with making it clear you don’t want anything to do with someone - tbf I wasn’t arsed about the tradesmen.

I gave my number to the WIFE, WHO SAID ‘great, I will text you, it will be handy’. I did NOT give my number to the husband. Her not texting and saying ‘here I am’ but putting it across to DH feels like a snub.

And I think it is only common courtesy to at least mention, to new neighbours you are not making any effort to know, to at least mention you’re actively planning for them to take a delivery in for you. And then not frigging collect it!

As many have said, it’s clear they have no need of some new friends, so bugger them!

I really honestly don’t see how you’ve taken from this that they don’t want to have anything to do with you?

I don’t understand how you’ve taken her passing your number as a snub, I think she thought you were after the trades contact details, that’s what he had your number from.

You want them to be neighbourly but only on your say so, so you want them to help you, but complain about a parcel - you say you don’t mind the parcel but mentioning it feels like you do.

You want her to text you, not him, when he has the info you’re after.

Most people aren’t instant best buddies with new neighbours, and your expectations of them are confused.

And I think it is only common courtesy to at least mention, to new neighbours you are not making any effort to know, to at least mention you’re actively planning for them to take a delivery in for you. And then not frigging collect it!

Again, way overthinking. Obviously you're used to very friendly neighbours from your previous village, but this feels like OTT angst about a very everyday occurrence. Neighbours don't have to make an effort to get to know each other. Things can evolve naturally over time. And seriously, what is the big deal about taking a parcel in and them taking a while to collect? That's so normal I can't begin to comprehend your 'bugger them!' stance like it's a personal affront. I have neighbour's parcels in my porch for a few a days and if they don't come, i drop them around, and I'm a pretty hands-off neighbour but it's really no big deal. Don't give it another thought and get on with your life.