Mourning the loss of my old life

[kavalkada]

This is not AIBU, but more rant before I start my new life tomorrow.

I have a 7 year old boy and 2 year old girl. I have been a SAHM mum for the past seven years. I did some freelance work, but nothing serious and full time. I don't live in UK but in a country where if you're 42 year old woman and you have not excellent qualifications it is very hard to find a job. But after seven years of searching, going on failed interviews, I made it. I found one, and in my field, and I start tomorrow.

But it is a job where I wake up every morning at 5 am and I will never be home before 7 am. No Christmas, no Easter, no New Year's Day off and I work most of the weekends. In one day I'll go from somebody who was always there for my children to somebody who will hardly ever be there.

I had a conversation with my friend the other day and she told me: "You'll finally see how I have been coping these all years". But it is not the same. She has a job with every weekend off, every holiday and if her child is sick she has no problem taking the few days off to be with her child. I would kill for a job she has.

I'm grateful for my job, really grateful, but at the same time I haven't stopped crying since I found out I got it. I can't stop kissing and hugging my little boy and girl, knowing there will be no more morning cuddles, no opening gifts on Christmas morning. And I can already see my weekends off being spent on cooking and cleaning.

For those of you who were in a similar situation, how did you cope? What did you do to make your life easier?

No, my heart is not in it, but also I know that I was miserable these past years after every failed job application.

I want to work, I just want a job with normal hours.

My mother worked in a very busy restaurant when I was a kid and we never saw her. She had to work all weekends, and had days off while we were at school.

Well I love my job & find it a great outlet away from home. However I couldn't imagine a job with no time off, 7 days a week. Surely that's unusual?

OP, the stand out from your last post is that your husband and MIL will be the primary (almost sole) carers of your children and you would risk losing your children in the event of divorce.

Are you planning to leave your husband? I can't think of any reason you would even consider taking such a job (as a permanent measure, mid career) unless you were desperate to leave.

It’s not forever. Give yourself a timescale - day a year - and this job to refresh your skills, get recent experience on your CV and springboard in to something with better hours & conditions.

And don’t worry about your children! If they’ve got good childcare, they’ll be fine. My two were with a nanny when they were under 5 and I was working in broadcast media. They don’t really remember her now, our bond is terrific (they’re teens) and the benefits of me working for our family and for me as a person and their mother are immeasurable.

I wouldn't want that job even if I was childfree v

say a year

This is just insanity. I don't know why you'd do this to yourself let alone your family.

@HollyBollyBooBoo

This is just insanity. I don't know why you'd do this to yourself let alone your family.

It’s only insanity of the OP really doesn’t want to do it. That’s what you have to decide, OP.

Women are doctors, nurses, journalists, news producers, work in the military and a whole host of other jobs that take them away from being the primary carer. It’s not a crime.

PicsInRed, no, I don't plan to leave my husband. We have a very happy marriage (well, at this moment, I know things can change).

Rapskallion, that is my plan, refresh my skills and get recent experience on my CV. I just hope it will work.

I think yabu and very overdramatic.

With a lot of experience in media in multiple countries, I am struggling to think of any job - including in the news department - where you'd be out 5am, back after 7pm and work many weekends and public holidays. The few people who are perpetually on call are very senior and not people who have been out of the workforce for 7 years.

News desks run very reduced teams for Christmas and New Year because (a) the overtime bill is massive and (b) not that much is usually happening. They may not guarantee you a free day, but that's not the same thing.

If it's taken this long to find a job, I'd take it and know you can change again soon once you have a 'live' CV, or it it truly is this bad, then you've afforded 7 years as a SAHM, let someone else take it.

Do you really need this job OP? There is no way I would be working those hours with young children.

Aww, don't do it! I know it's so easy to say but you will never get back Christmas's etc the children are only young once and they will remember ypu not being there on big occasions, not trying to make you feel worse. It sounds utterly miserable and I'd be crying like you too. I hope you can figure something out, you get one life and the children are most important over any job

Try it and see OP. If it’s too much you can always quit.

I'm a nurse so work long shifts, most weekends and Christmas's etc but I'm not at work 24/7 and can't imagine you will be. Surely you get days off?

@OverTheRubicon

I think yabu and very overdramatic.

With a lot of experience in media in multiple countries, I am struggling to think of any job - including in the news department - where you'd be out 5am, back after 7pm and work many weekends and public holidays. The few people who are perpetually on call are very senior and not people who have been out of the workforce for 7 years.

News desks run very reduced teams for Christmas and New Year because (a) the overtime bill is massive and (b) not that much is usually happening. They may not guarantee you a free day, but that's not the same thing.

If it's taken this long to find a job, I'd take it and know you can change again soon once you have a 'live' CV, or it it truly is this bad, then you've afforded 7 years as a SAHM, let someone else take it.

But that is not the way in my country.

First, I'm on fixed salary, they don't have to pay me overtime, no overtime bill for them. It was like that in every company I worked for.

Yes, they run reduced for Christmas and New Year, but they told me on my interview not to expect days off because nobody can get them, it would't be fair on others.

And it takes me 80 minutes to get to job and return from job.

And I would like to live in country whey they pay you overtime, trust me - in my Eastern European country they do not.

I had a conversation with my friend the other day and she told me: "You'll finally see how I have been coping these all years".

I know this isn’t the point of your post, but this jumped out at me. I think this was harsh for a friend to say. What happened to friends being supportive and championing your achievements. Regardless of whether it works, whether you cope etc it sounds like a great achievement to get the job - so well done on that alone. Take the rest as it comes in due course.

@OverTheRubicon

I think yabu and very overdramatic.

With a lot of experience in media in multiple countries, I am struggling to think of any job - including in the news department - where you'd be out 5am, back after 7pm and work many weekends and public holidays. The few people who are perpetually on call are very senior and not people who have been out of the workforce for 7 years.

News desks run very reduced teams for Christmas and New Year because (a) the overtime bill is massive and (b) not that much is usually happening. They may not guarantee you a free day, but that's not the same thing.

If it's taken this long to find a job, I'd take it and know you can change again soon once you have a 'live' CV, or it it truly is this bad, then you've afforded 7 years as a SAHM, let someone else take it.

I completely agree, I work in media/journalism and struggle to think of anyone who had to work these kind of hours and only gets two days off every two or three weeks.

Yes, there’s a rota to cover big holidays and someone will need to cover Christmas etc but not everyone has to work every single one of those holidays.

The conditions for this role sound completely unreasonable and unsustainable.

OP if you’re a journalist you could do freelance work much easier, surely?

I wouldn't do the job for your children's sake. They need a mother

I read your post with a lot of irritation.

I understand you want to return to work and it's been challenging to find a role.

But this job is not the right one, based on your description. In addition, no matter how fast-paced this media job is, you are not going to be working the hours / days you describe. There's way too much drama in your posts.

You need to make a new plan, with your DH. And you need to be less dramatic.

Yes, they run reduced for Christmas and New Year, but they told me on my interview not to expect days off because nobody can get them, it would't be fair on others.

If they are running reduced....somebody is off. And surely sometimes, it will fall on your days off.

If some people are off buy aren't ever allowed it off. Sounds like you have been manipulated into agreeing to work it all.

I can see that quite a lot of your day would be spent commuting if the journey is 80 mins each way. Would it be feasible to move closer to work? Or stay overnight close to work for a night or two each week?

And I can see that the most junior / least experienced / newest recruit may be expected to cover the majority if public holidays

But I struggle to believe that your working pattern only allows 2 days off every 3 weeks

I know this is not the point of this topic, but if this thread shows anything it is a great divide between Eastern and Western Europe.

Things that are allowed in east would never be allowed at west.

Trust me, I know nobody, nobody who is paid for their overtime.

And yes, while in my old job it was normal to work 12 hours a day, 7 day a week. We all did it.

And yes, companies work on as least possible people they can get away with it. It is just something we learn to live with.

That is one of the reasons many people from east go to west, not so much because of the money, but because of the better working conditions. Because if you want a good job with better working conditions, you usually have to have somebody to fix you that job. Otherwise, no.

I think it is probably hard to understand that if you've never experienced that.

But thank you for all your answers. I'll put up with it and try to find something better.

Something about this doesn’t ring true. You say it’s tricky to get a job in your country without qualifications… and yet you’ve found a 5am-7pm job in the media? Media jobs are highly competitive and require specific qualifications and experience (unless you’re doing an apprenticeship).

You could get a job at a local shop/restaurant whilst you train online (or an evening course) to earn some qualifications.

I didn’t say it was a ticket for a job without qualifications. I have university degree but in a field where there is not so much job openings, but lot of young people with that degree - think 100 applicants for one place. And I have 15 Years of Experience of working in media before I got my son.

But this has been a choice for you to get a job in this particular industry where you know the pressures and what is expected work-life balance wise. Have you not considered using the skills you built before in a related but less pressurised job?

Or are you really saying that for seven whole years you applied for jobs across loads of industries and never got a single one? This is the only one? Why did the freelancing not work out?

Why would you take this job when you yourself experienced rarely seeing your mum and know how that felt? Is your household in really dire financial straits?