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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to compromise on location to accommodate everyone?

40 replies

erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 20:15

So my it's my DN2 birthday this week and my SIL said he didn't need a party as he won't remember but wanted days out with the family. They are going out with SIL family on sat big day out and they want us to go on a big day out with them the next day. However the location, on which they are fixed is over an hour away from us but most importantly my DF won't be able to attend as he has recently become somewhat disabled. He adores all the grandchildren and will be desperately disappointed not to be able to go. However he has said it's fine he doesn't mind go ahead without him etc. AIBU to say we are not going unless they adapt to include DF? I have suggested they carry on with out us if the location is important and we will arrange an inclusive day ASAP.

OP posts:
RamItBunty · 03/07/2021 20:22

It’s really not up to you to dictate who is invited. It’s a bit dictatorial of you
If your dad isn’t bothered you don’t need to invent or seek a reason to be offended on his behalf

gamerchick · 03/07/2021 20:25

It's not up to you though.

Ginger1982 · 03/07/2021 20:26

So is she your brother's wife? Surely it's for him to recognise this?

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 03/07/2021 20:26

If there’s no bad blood between SIL & FIL, I absolutely agree with you. To book a family event in a venue inaccessible to a grandparent with a disability is bloody mean.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 03/07/2021 20:28

I agree it's not up to you so ultimatums are a bit shit. But it seems entirely possible she just doesn't realise and would be grateful to have this pointed out tactfully? I know I sometimes get a bit stuck on what I expected to do/happen and find it difficult to be flexible, so might need a prod!

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 20:30

Maybe the grandparent doesn’t want to go? A big day out with a two year old sounds exhausting, it wouldn’t be for me, in fact I might acquire a disability just to get out of it. Just go and have a good time, OP.

Findahouse21 · 03/07/2021 20:31

How inaccessible are we talking? Like a theme park where he could go but not access all rides, or a hilly country walk where literally the whole day is unaccessible? Is sil aware of the full extent of your dad's struggles if it's recent?

Aprilx · 03/07/2021 20:33

What do you mean you will organise an “inclusive day”? It is not your place to tell your sibling and wife how to celebrate their child’s birthday and nor can you insist they hand their child over for your inclusive day.

Original poster
erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 20:39

@RamItBunty

It’s really not up to you to dictate who is invited. It’s a bit dictatorial of you If your dad isn’t bothered you don’t need to invent or seek a reason to be offended on his behalf
My DF is bothered though. He is saying that to be kind. A few months ago he would have been there carrying the GC round on his shoulders, loving every minute, slipping them treats from his pocket. I want to save him from that and have a celebration he can join in with. It's not something I made up. It would be much easier to say sod it and go.
OP posts:
RamItBunty · 03/07/2021 20:42

No,it’s not up to you to pile in on your dad behalf. It just looks like you’re niggling for a disagreement on someone else behalf. If your dad actually has a preference why can’t he express it?why do you need to advocate for him

Nohomemadecandles · 03/07/2021 20:44

Can't you just have a conversation rather than issue an ultimatum? Hmm

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 20:46

So what is the day planned and what aspects would your dd struggle with? When was the day planned and when did his needs change?

Schrutesbeets · 03/07/2021 20:46

What does your brother think?

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 20:48

A few months ago he would have been there carrying the GC round on his shoulders, loving every minute, slipping them treats from his pocket

I’m sure that’s true but he’s not that person any more and he’s never going to be again. I think this is more about your entirely understandable grief at the loss of your active dad and that you haven’t come to terms with it yet. Your dad’s further down the acceptance road.

Original poster
erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 21:01

Hmmm ok so maybe I am BU. I guess if it was me the most important thing would be about who not where. Esp as this is the second day out and the first one is the zoo. There wouldn't need to be massive adjustment, just a smaller farm park rather than a huge one and preferably one DF has been to before so he knows he can cope. (Which includes quite a few just not this one as it's and hour and a bit drive away).

OP posts:
Original poster
erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 21:02

@Nohomemadecandles

Can't you just have a conversation rather than issue an ultimatum? Hmm
We've had a conversation, I was told they are going there no matter what, which is why I said we would do a day maybe next weekend that DF could come.
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 21:06

So is your df going on the first trip out to the zoo? Does the larger farm park have more things on for toddlers, more scope for the big group of you?

Original poster
erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 21:07

@MichelleScarn

So is your df going on the first trip out to the zoo? Does the larger farm park have more things on for toddlers, more scope for the big group of you?
No SIL family that day we aren't invited to that.
OP posts:
RamItBunty · 03/07/2021 21:19

Main thing is that your father is comfortable, and he included in the event
Check ahead for accessibility and location of facilities eg wc.
I hope your dad has a good time

caringcarer · 03/07/2021 21:25

When your child has a birthday then you will be in charge or organisation. This event is organised by you brother and SiL. You could politely point out your Dad can't access but it is up to hosts to decide to go ahead or not.

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 21:29

Can he not sit for the journey and then be mobile? Could a Wheelchair be hired for the farm park?

Thislittlefinger123 · 03/07/2021 21:30

This is very strange. Are you the eldest sibling with a weird sibling dynamic? Why on earth is your opinion needed on where they spend their son's birthday? I'm guessing there's a backstory where you don't like SIL?? Otherwise I don't understand. Accept the invite, or don't, but you don't get a say in reorganising it how you think it should be done.

Original poster
erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 21:44

For clarification it's only us going, no one else and no tickets have been bought. The location could easily be changed or they could go ahead with out us and we do a day with DF next weekend. Maybe I am BU. I would just feel bad for DF. He absolutely won't sit in a wheelchair. He can cope if it's shortish distances, and then he needs to sit, then he can go again. Hence somewhere smaller being ok. He was happier to sit in a wheelchair when he thought he'd recover but now he said he just needs to get on with it. If it was lots of people I absolutely accept we would have to go with the flow. If he was older and had made the choice himself then again we would have to go with it.

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 03/07/2021 21:48

It’s not your child’s party. It’s not up to you where it is held.

RamItBunty · 03/07/2021 21:51

Your dad needs to be allowed autonomy and choice where he goes
He’s also clearly going to know all the issues arising from poor health and a recent disability. Maybe he wants minimum fuss and to just get on best he can.