Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want to compromise on location to accommodate everyone?

40 replies

erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 20:15

So my it's my DN2 birthday this week and my SIL said he didn't need a party as he won't remember but wanted days out with the family. They are going out with SIL family on sat big day out and they want us to go on a big day out with them the next day. However the location, on which they are fixed is over an hour away from us but most importantly my DF won't be able to attend as he has recently become somewhat disabled. He adores all the grandchildren and will be desperately disappointed not to be able to go. However he has said it's fine he doesn't mind go ahead without him etc. AIBU to say we are not going unless they adapt to include DF? I have suggested they carry on with out us if the location is important and we will arrange an inclusive day ASAP.

OP posts:

Original poster

erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 21:51

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

It’s not your child’s party. It’s not up to you where it is held.

It's not a party it's a day out with just sil, db, dn, dm- she's torn trying to keep everyone happy dh, my 2 ds and I with DF at home.

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 22:07

I am very sorry but if he requires a wheelchair and absolutely won't sit in one, then are you never going to do anything that has any distance again?

MarianneUnfaithful · 03/07/2021 22:35

It’s not your child’s party. It’s not up to you where it is held

.It's not a party it's a day out with just sil, db, dn, dm- she's torn trying to keep everyone happy dh, my 2 ds and I with DF at home

OP read the comment in your head again and substitute the word ‘outing’ for ‘party’. The point is the point.

And why aren’t you talking to your brother about this?

You can’t solve every family sensitivity and upset by telling everyone else what to do.

It is Ds’s that your brother has not chosen something his child’s grandparents can’t be involved in but sadly your Dad won’t now be able to do every single thing.

The trip isn’t even in the child’s actual birthday. Perhaps your parents could pop round in the day with cake?

Cocomarine · 03/07/2021 22:40

It’s always the SIL at fault, isn’t it? 🙄

Why does your brother not want to adapt it to include his father?

More fucking wife work 🙄

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 22:50

@Cocomarine

It’s always the SIL at fault, isn’t it? 🙄

Why does your brother not want to adapt it to include his father?

More fucking wife work 🙄

Well Coco, you do know these dil/sil will.have eeeevil nefarious plans, never just planning a nice bday for their child... always another plan isn't there... (nods sagely)..

Travis1 · 03/07/2021 22:55

I don’t blame you op and it’s shit your brother isn’t desperate to include his father

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 23:04

But it sounds like the df could easily come, if he used appropriate mobility aids, but he's not wanting to, so does play a part in this?

Original poster

erasemybrain · 03/07/2021 23:16

@Travis1

I don’t blame you op and it’s shit your brother isn’t desperate to include his father

Thank you. I was hoping for a few more, "it's an invite not a summons" type posts. It's been SIL because she messaged me. I doubt DB is as set on the location based on the fact he usually goes with the flow, but I haven't spoken to him. It feels sneaky now to message him as dialogue has been with SIL. He wouldn't think beyond DF saying go with out me.

OP posts:

Lottielovescake · 03/07/2021 23:42

It’s not your child so how can you organise something the next weekend? his parents have organised his birthday, you can attend or kick up a fuss and not go. You can’t organise another day out for his birthday though obviously.

Also on a side note, I have a family member who requires a wheelchair and refuses to use one. She can’t walk much more than a few meters at a time and insists that every single meeting or event is a meal at a restaurant (one of a few she prefers) - but that’s really not very easy with toddlers who aren’t interested in sitting in a restaurant. For her birthday, yes no problem! For our children’s birthdays? No. She just can’t always be included in things unfortunately because we can’t all never go anywhere else again. We usually compromise and go round to see her in the week with cake or something.

MichelleScarn · 03/07/2021 23:44

doubt DB is as set on the location based on the fact he usually goes with the flow, but I haven't spoken to him.
Who's flow does he usually go with? Your family?

namechange30455 · 03/07/2021 23:49

So your DF could go if he goes in a wheelchair? He has the option to go in a wheelchair or not go?

I don't see what your SIL has done wrong tbh. If your dad wants to be stubborn and not use appropriate mobility aids that's on him.

Toomanyradishes · 03/07/2021 23:56

Your father needs to learn to use a mobility scooter or a wheelchair and not to expect things to be rearranged to suit his lifestyle when he wont use aids, yes its shit and hard to come to terms with but honestly i don't see why the sil is at fault here if your dad could come if he would use a wheelchair. Maybe it would be more sensitive to give him more time to adjust, but if hes flat out refusing to consider mobility aids then he is the one to talk to not your sil

SummerInSun · 04/07/2021 00:41

Really upsetting for your DF that he can't do everything he used to be able to do, but unfortunately neither he nor you can expect that every other family event will be limited to things he can now do. As long as they see him pretty regularly, I also don't see the problem with them picking something that their 2 year old would like even if your DF can't attend. For you to refuse to go because your DF can't would be weird.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/07/2021 00:47

DF has said he doesn't mind and also won't use a wheelchair. He's making his decisions based on what he has deemed important.

You've inserted your opinion, deciding which things are OK and true (he won't use a wheelchair) or not OK and true (he doesn't mind). If he decides the second, the first is fair enough. Don't be hurt or offended on his behalf.

Fros · 04/07/2021 01:50

Not your child's birthday, so why do you think it's your place to alter the arrangements?
Perhaps missing out on the trip might be the kick in the arse your DF needs?
Why do you have a problem with DB/SIL not changing their plans when your DF could go, but has chosen not to? Don't you think it's kinda selfish of him not to make the effort when he could join in with a wheelchair?

Perhaps if you want to advocate for improvements in your DFs life, it would be better for you to direct your energy towards getting your DF the help he needs to accept and adjust to his new reality, rather than attempting to curtail the activities of other people?

(are you taking your frustration about your DFs changing health, and his refusal to accept it, out on your SIL because she's a 'safe' target)?

Flip

1 2