AIBU to think in laws are selfish to want this Xmas arrangement....

[mousemole]

DH and I have been married 6 years and just had DS2. Ds1 is 2. Normally we have alternated Xmas at each parents but this year with two children we wanted to be at home. As it was our 'turn' to be with the in laws we instead invited them to our house along with my SIL and her boyfriend that she lives with. In laws agreed but asked that their daughter go to her in laws so that next year they do not spend xmas alone !! Basically they mean if we are all together this year then next year both their children will be with their in laws and hence 'alone'. Upshot is that DH and I will never spend Xmas with his sister which seems a shame given the fact our children adore her.
Does this seem selfish ? Why cant they spend Xmas with friends or go away on their 'off year' ?
AIBU ????

Don't know if this will help, but we have a "fake" Christmas with whichever family we're not with, either before or after Christmas - big meal, crackers, presents, the works. Isn't perfect, but it's ok...

Love the sound of the father who they are all scared of. It is shaping up for a Mike Leigh kind of Christmas. More sherry please Mrs Mousemole.

More sherry, baileys, wine and champagne please. And is it Ok to start drinking at 10am on Xmas day ?!

Hang on..... so is your MIL suggesting that you (the hostess) un-invite your SIL and that SIL should then invite herself to her PILs for Christmas? Who the hell does she think she is?

Yes. So we invited all my in law family for Xmas ( including grandparents in law). In laws accepted but said SIL should spend Xmas with her in laws ( they are of course happy to have them) so they wouldn't be on their own next xmas. Then they decided it was too far for Grandparents to come and they wouln't pick them up to bring them to ours.
So, grandparents (in their nineties) will spend Xmas alone, in laws will come to us and SIL will be at her in laws. So it will be a cosy foursome at Xmas this year for us ( and of course the boys who are both under 2). i will start the sherry at 10am.

So it's OK for the grandparents (in law) to spend Christmas alone, then? Isn't that a double standard I detect?

Poor you, Poor SIL, Poor Poor grandparents in law.

Your mother in law sounds a selfish woman and your a better person then me as I would not invite a person like that in to my home.

Only read OP...

I would ignore your il's and tell them that you have already issued the invite and therefore it's up to your sil whether or not she chooses to accept or not - you are not going to be piggy in the middle. If they want to talk to her themselves thats their call. You can talk to her yourself first if you like explaining how you feel...

Can understand why they would not like to be alone but equally I do think they are being a bit selfish to not appreciate that you would like to see her too. I do think its up to her where she spends Christmas though not up to you, them or anyone else!

I really don't think this whole we go here every other year and there every other year works, it always seems to lead to arguments.

I am lucky as my family is very small - but if I wanted to do whatever at Christams i.e go away on holiday or accept friends invite that is fine.

I would just politely state that I didn't want to get into all this every other year business as we might want to go on holiday next year or go to friends. Therefore have invited who I wish to for Christmas this year and if they would like to come lovely but if not well have a fantastic Christmas.

Otherwise every year you are going to be faced with the same rubbish from other expecting you to do what they want.

Its totally double standards. Grandparents in law are adorable and dote on the boys so much. I am really sad they wont join us. I've come to the conclusion that as so many of you have said, the best thing is to avoid any formula or routines, to take each year as it comes and not to make any decisions until october at the earliest.

Now you have given some more details I can see that there is a bit more going on than a "fair shares" argument. I can quite understand your unhappiness. Is there any way you can get the Grandparents-in-law (cool concept - mine all died many moons ago) over without relying on your PIL? Presumably your SIL doesn't have to kowtow to her parents either? Sounds like you had a good party all lined up and now it's gone belly up. Bad luck!

gosh, well i would
go and get grandparents in law
have a word with s-i-l and potentially invite s-i-l's inlaws

but i can see how, in many years to come i would maybe really want to be with at least some of my children at christmas, especially when grandchildren turn up.