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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think in laws are selfish to want this Xmas arrangement....

62 replies

mousemole · 23/11/2007 15:47

DH and I have been married 6 years and just had DS2. Ds1 is 2. Normally we have alternated Xmas at each parents but this year with two children we wanted to be at home. As it was our 'turn' to be with the in laws we instead invited them to our house along with my SIL and her boyfriend that she lives with. In laws agreed but asked that their daughter go to her in laws so that next year they do not spend xmas alone !! Basically they mean if we are all together this year then next year both their children will be with their in laws and hence 'alone'. Upshot is that DH and I will never spend Xmas with his sister which seems a shame given the fact our children adore her.
Does this seem selfish ? Why cant they spend Xmas with friends or go away on their 'off year' ?
AIBU ????

OP posts:

belgo · 23/11/2007 15:53

why can't you see your sil at another time?

I'm a little confused

TellusMater · 23/11/2007 15:54

TBH, it does read slightly like why can't we have what we want, instead of them having what they want.

But having just pointedly not invited the in laws for Christmas, when they were clearly angling for it, I do have some sympathy...

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 16:01

can see SIL any other time, just a shame that we will never spend a xmas day together and then on boxing day we are with my family for a couple of days so end up missing her for most of the festive period. The boys love her and she adores them so just shame we wont ever share Xmas, pressies and fun etc with her. I think their request is fine for a one off but forever I feel is a little demanding !

OP posts:

3andnomore · 23/11/2007 16:01

hm.....but didn't your Inlaws have to spend alternate X-masses on their own anyway, even under the original arrangement? So, why do they suddenly want someone there each X-mas? I don't get it?

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 16:02

ps - just to be clear, they want this arrangelemt forever and not just this xmas.

OP posts:

3andnomore · 23/11/2007 16:02

But has this change ten anything to do with you wanting a new arrangement?

flowerybeaker · 23/11/2007 16:03

Is it not up to your SIL? You have invited her, she can say yes or no.

Swedes2Turnips1 · 23/11/2007 16:13

Grrrrr to Christmas arrangements. I am still working up to asking my in-laws what their plans are this year . They are all waiting for their invite. My bil told us that he was going to invite us all for supper before christmas. I bristled a bit, do you think it is cynical of me to think that the only reason he is saying that is because he realises that it might ease his christmas lunch invite. The whole family are so wonderfully polite to one another. I am thinking that an email to bil saying thanks for the christmas lunch invite (like I have completely misunderstood) I will rsvp very soon.

daydreambeliever · 23/11/2007 16:13

Mousemole, has this been brewing for a few years? As in, regardless of whether you spend your 'in-law xmas' at yours or theirs, they would still have had to choose between having all their kids every 2 years or alternating kids every other xmas....doesnt make much difference probably, but how did you deal with it before?

My feeling on this is that it will blow over. As in, no matter how well planned the system that your inlaws are anxiously trying to set up, random stuff happens every few years that blows the rota out of the water....someone takes a holiday over xmas/books a wedding/has to work/gets sick/is having a new baby etc. And your SIL's movements will partly depend on what HER inlaws are up to, if they go ski-ing one xmas then she'll probably spend it with her parents regardless of who's turn it is (well not necessarily skiing but YKWIM). Sounds to me like yor MIL is having a panicky rant, but really, no-one can plan that many years ahead, just go along with it this year, it'll all come out in the wash as they say, I'm sure you'll have many a happy crimbo with your SIL to come.....

And it could be worse......Next year you might be on here worrying about how to cope with/cook for your own family AND all your in-laws.....

portonovo · 23/11/2007 16:14

To be honest, the whole 'one year with parents, one year with in-laws' thing sounds too regimented anyway. Why is it your 'turn'?. Why do the arrangements have to be 'forever'?

It just sounds a nightmare, negotiating now whose turn it is going to be year in year out. Can you not just decide each year as it arrives?

But as far as this year goes, you have already invited your sister in law, so let that stand for this year and enjoy it. Next year is a whole year away, so don't start worrying about that for months!

Swedes2Turnips1 · 23/11/2007 16:17

Invite your parents and your sil. I am getting a bit passive agressive I think.

NKF · 23/11/2007 16:19

I'd suggest inviting everybody but then I'm like that.

3andnomore · 23/11/2007 16:34

NKE et al to have a point

lemonaid · 23/11/2007 16:34

The best advice my mother ever gave me was to never ever ever be trapped into a repeating pattern at Christmas, because then it will cause major ructions when you want to change it (I suspect she spoke from bitter experience).

We work out where we are spending Christmas on an ad hoc basis -- we do think about where we've spent it recently, but have made a real effort to avoid a predictable pattern of where we'll be. That way no one has got upset at our decision any year.

You're a bit further down the road of having already established a pattern, but I think it's not too late to make it very clear to your in-laws that you are not going to commit to any "forever" pattern of how you are going to spend your Christmases, but are going to decide on a more short-term basis.

stealthsquiggle · 23/11/2007 16:42

Best thing DH ever did (well maybe not quite but it's up there!) was to declare as soon as we moved in together that we weren't going to either set of parents for Christmas Day and that we were going to spend it at home on our own - so we always have done and by the time the DC arrived it was not up for debate - we see parents and other family in a semi-predictable pattern around Christmas but avoid the actual day. Quite hard to retro-fit, but worth a try?

mynameisnic · 23/11/2007 16:50

"they want this arrangement forever"

sorry to be morbid but it aint going to be forever is it. i know it's a pain pandering to IL's and parents needs at xmas - dh and i went through it when our parents were alive but now they are all gone we do rather miss it.......

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 16:51

i agree with all your advice about avoiding a pattern and being more ad hoc. I think that is what I am panicked about and believe it or not they bought it up in jan this year and it has rumbled on semi stressfully since. SIL is younger and used to spend every xmas with her parents but now ( understandably given she is living with her boyfriend) wants to spend every other xmas with her in laws. So, rather than getting 'in sync' the in laws want us and SIL to be out of sync so they are never 'alone'. I think it is an excellent idea to announe that we dont want to be formulaic ( after all we plan to have more kids and SIL will start a family soon).
I am also on the defensive from the start - this is the MIL that stayed with me a few weeks after the birht of DS 1 and then sent me a long letter telling me how my hosting skills could be improved - i.e waste paper bin in spare room, no toys in bath etc etc.....!!!

OP posts:

mynameisnic · 23/11/2007 16:51

oh god that does sound morbid - sorry

Minum · 23/11/2007 16:51

I'm a big fan of setting a Christmas pattern and sticking to it - so many complex arrangments to be shoehorned into a tight time- if one person changes something, the edifice comes crumbling down. We spent the first 10 years of our marriage stressed for all of December trying to put together Christmas plans, now we stick to a pattern, and dont have to think about anything other then what wine to take with us to which house (would never contemplate having Christmas at home, due to effort/expense required)

Can you try for Christmas Eve with SIL and PIL together, before SIL goes off to her in-laws?

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 16:53

forever was their expression not mine !!

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 23/11/2007 16:53

I have one sister, she like me lives abroad and we do a one year off one year on thing with my parents - so my sister and I are not usually together at Christmas. We would both hate our parents to be alone at Christmas with no children or grandchildren. That is far more important to us than being together (though fortunately - exceptionally - this year we are managing to spend Christmas all together with my parents too).

I think you are being pretty unreasonable.

3andnomore · 23/11/2007 16:54

mousemole, your MIL sounds a bit odd....wtf....she should count herself luckily to be invited at all after such offensive letter.

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 16:57

I would hate my parents to be alone too but I just dont feel the same about the in laws !

OP posts:

TellusMater · 23/11/2007 16:57

Well, then you are being unreasonable...

mynameisnic · 23/11/2007 16:59

oh gawd - YABU

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