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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think in laws are selfish to want this Xmas arrangement....

62 replies

mousemole · 23/11/2007 15:47

DH and I have been married 6 years and just had DS2. Ds1 is 2. Normally we have alternated Xmas at each parents but this year with two children we wanted to be at home. As it was our 'turn' to be with the in laws we instead invited them to our house along with my SIL and her boyfriend that she lives with. In laws agreed but asked that their daughter go to her in laws so that next year they do not spend xmas alone !! Basically they mean if we are all together this year then next year both their children will be with their in laws and hence 'alone'. Upshot is that DH and I will never spend Xmas with his sister which seems a shame given the fact our children adore her.
Does this seem selfish ? Why cant they spend Xmas with friends or go away on their 'off year' ?
AIBU ????

OP posts:

TellusMater · 23/11/2007 16:59

Although the letter is .

My MIL just says, while she is here "Oh, don't you have such and such?"

If she were a MNetter (please God no!!!) she would end a lot of her posts with a

Grrrrr

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 17:00

maybe I am, alot to do with the letter and other faux pas on their behalf over the years. This is the problem, I am not coming at this rationally because of past greivances.

OP posts:

ladygrinningTooSoonForXmasName · 23/11/2007 17:02

I think you need to say to her "that will not do, because then my children will never get to see their much loved aunt at Christmas, and Christmas is all about the children, isn't it".

NKF · 23/11/2007 17:03

Re: spending time with sister in law or anyone for that matter, I think there always comes a time when people want to do different things. I guess there will be a time when my children spend Christmas with their in-laws (breaks my heart to think of it). But you can make other days significant and special. So long as you spend time together and enjoy each other's company, then perhaps the fact that is's not Dec 25th won't matter.

Joash · 23/11/2007 17:03

Personally I can't see what it has to do with your in-laws. These are your xmas arrangements, not theirs. They have no right to dictate who goes where. Make your arrangements with whomever you want to.
The rest of my family have always done this 'buggering' about trying to keep everyone happy and we got so sick of it early on in our marriage that we decided that Christmas day would be just for us and the kid's. We banned them all from coming on the day and don't even answer the phone - sounds harsh, but it so lovely and the only day of the year that we can guarantee that we're alone as a family. The outlaws and inlaws didn't like it, but they soon got used to the idea.

mynameisnic · 23/11/2007 17:04

tis often the way - I had to rise above a lot of crap from the IL's for the sake of my DH and DS adored his paternal grandparents.

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 17:04

tellusmater, do we somehow have the same MIL ? ! I get berated for not having blackberry Jam every visit and every visit I never buy it !! :O

OP posts:

lemonaid · 23/11/2007 17:05

Cleverly, I suppose, I planned ahead and have three siblings so my parents are unlikely to escape without any of us at Christmas whatever my plans are. And DH is one of three, so similarly there will normally be someone around there for Christmas.

RosaLuxMundi · 23/11/2007 17:07

Bit of a hijack but I had to quickly share my mum's parting shot here. She was staying with us for a couple of weeks in August) a couple of years ago and on the morning of her departure she announced: 'You'll need to wash my dressing gown. It's been so cold in this room I've had to wear it in bed every night.'

pointydog · 23/11/2007 17:07

I think you are being a little selfish, mouse. I can understand perfectly well that they don't want to have a christmas day on their own.

Anna8888 · 23/11/2007 17:10

mousemole - my out-of-laws only have one child (my partner) and they would therefore like to spend every Christmas with us. Whereas I wish to spend every other Christmas (and more if possible...) with my family.

What's more, I have very good arguments in my favour:

my out-of-laws live 10 minutes drive away and see their grandchildren every week, and their son pretty often
my parents live in another country to me, and my sister another country still
they are Jewish and hence we spend every single Jewish festival with them

And yet, and yet... I don't think it is kind or considerate to leave older people alone, with their children and grandchildren, at Christmas time. So I do my utmost to please everyone.

This year we will be seeing everyone, parents, out-of-laws, sister, as will my sister on her side. It took a lot of organisation (in about July) but it's worth it. Everyone's happy. That is what Christmas is about - love for your family.

Anna8888 · 23/11/2007 17:10

I meant - without their children and grandchildren

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 17:17

Anna I agree with you. I dont wish for them to be alone at Xmas,our main issue is that we really want to spend at least one in two xmas's with dH'S sister.

OP posts:

Tommy · 23/11/2007 17:19

I hav enever understood this "one year with mine, the next with yours" thing.

A lot of things can happen in a year

Your house - you invite who you like

Bah....

LIZS · 23/11/2007 17:20

My mum had to do this with my gp's and swore she'd not do so to her children. PIL's still sort of expect it but don't enforce it. Personally I would not agree to anythgn apart from on a year at a time basis.

nooka · 23/11/2007 17:28

My parents always want as many of us as possible at Christmas, whilst my PILs never want any of their children (or grandchildren) there at all. I would also hate to think of my parents being alone at Christmas, but then I like being around lots of people at Christmas and don't much like the idea of it just being the four of us (who could I play cards/do puzzles with without a bunch of relatives?). Now I am worrying about the consequences of having only two children! (I am one of four and dh is one of three). So whilst I think your in laws are being unreasonable to ask your SIL not to go to Christmas at your house, I don't think it is unreasonable of them to want to alternate thier children.

glammama · 23/11/2007 17:36

I'm sorry, am I missing something? No-one should ever feel beholden to anyone regarding Christmas arrangements. My DM spent every flipping year at her inlaws and she is still bitter. I certainly did not have children so that in later years I will not be on my own at Christmas. Parents who expect a right to their chidrens' company are being unfair imho. Plus with so many permutations of extended family it is nigh on impossible to please everybody. I have one set of parents and one set of inlaws, my DP has two sets of parents (divorced), my DD (from my previous marriage) has a father who also has two sets of parents. This Christmas I'll be nearly seven months pregnant. We don't drive and our families are scattered all over the UK. I'm not going anywhere but if people want to visit me then they are welcome.
Sorry for the rant but it makes me so annoyed to hear about unreasonable pressure being put on family members. It's plain wrong!

Tommy · 23/11/2007 17:39

you could just do what we did last year - plan to go somewhere, sit up all night with a poorly DS, don't go anywhere except the garage to buy some vaguely festive food and try to enjoy it.....

Swedes2Turnips1 · 23/11/2007 17:45

they won't be on thir own - they have each other.

pointydog · 23/11/2007 17:50

you want to spend every second christmas with sil
they want to spend christmas with someone apart from just themselves

I don't see how you can call one set selfish but not the other.

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 18:02

basically SIL is scared of her/DH's father. She is very unhappy with the arrangemetns and desperately wants to spend Xmas with us.
So its more than just me 'wanting' to be with her. The in laws ( 2 people) will be happy with this arrangement but 6 people will be unhappy with the arrangements. Trouble is DH and SIL don't stand up to their father and I dont feel I can wade in much.

OP posts:

suey2 · 23/11/2007 18:03

if you must have a routine, can you do christmas and new year, switching each year? Then you will see both sets of parents aeach year and your SIL every second year?

Saying that, if you are hosting you have every right to ask whomever you please. Your MIL sounds like a bit of a control freak- as someone else said, she still has her husband- can't they spend the day together? My DPs went off on their own to a hotel 2 years ago because they did not want to cause any friction between the children (as there had been the year before)

If your MIL was on her own it would be different.

Original poster

mousemole · 23/11/2007 18:06

Suey2 - exactly ! My parents ( I am one of 3) have spent a few Xmases either with friends or on holiday because of the way things had panned out. They had a great time and we saw them all together either before Xmas or just after. They never made a fuss and have always said they never want to impose themselves on us.

OP posts:

NKF · 23/11/2007 18:09

It sounds as if everyone is being a bit stubborn in wanting their preferred arrangement to be agreed by everybody else.

suey2 · 23/11/2007 18:13

the other alternative is the your SIL and her partner spend christmas with their respective families until they marry or have children. That is what we did with our family and it worked very well. DH always went abroad to avoid the hell that was his fractured family all wanting visits and i would join him on the 27th or whenever.

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