Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my MIL stop saying my kids are her grandkids

50 replies

Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 18:23

Bear with me, I am married to a wonderful man who is also upset about this. We have 4 kids in our little family. Only 1 child is Dh's biological child. The other 3 are mine from a previous relationship. MIL adores her grandchild obviously. The problem is she brags to her friends that all the children are her grandchildren regardless of biology. Which would be wonderful only she doesn't acknowledge them in the same way as her biological grandchild. She spoils the bio grandchild but ignores the other 3, not as much as a token or bag of sweets. She always says she'll get them something later but never does. My eldest gives up her room when she stays and we run round like a maid/chauffeur service when she's
here. Dh said he wants to say something to her but I feel like it will turn into a family rift which would only upset him. It is hurtful as we rear the kids together and some acknowledgement of them would be nice. We are together 15 years and it has always been the same. MIL takes advantage of us which I can cope with, however I am wondering if the next time she claims they're all her grandkids should I say something. I know it might seem petty but it's starting to get on my nerves.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2021 18:26

My eldest gives up her room when she stays and we run round like a maid/chauffeur service when she's
here

Knock this crap on the head immediately.

And keep quiet in case there’s a rift? She’s carrying on merrily with no thought to how you feel so any “rift” is on her.

Why has this carried on for 15 years? Your older children must be nearly adults so it’s getting too late to deal with it now but why not do it anyway.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2021 18:27

Presumably the oldest three are older teens. So do they care about sweets?

I mean I'd treat a four yo differently to a 15,16 and 17 yo.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 03/07/2021 18:27

I'd let him say something. The unfair treatment must stop to avoid damaging your kids. Also, why us your eldest giving up her bed for someone that treats her unfairly? That is going to breed resentment and sadness in a child.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/07/2021 18:27

I'd Def have been tempted to reply with a "shame you don't treat them like it / treat them all the same"

MattHancocksSexTape · 03/07/2021 18:28

So for 15 years you’ve condoned your children being treated like second class citizens?! Fuck me.

Retrievemysanity · 03/07/2021 18:29

If you’ve been together for 15 years and you already had the 3 kids when you got together, then surely it’s a bit late now to bring this up?!

TidyDancer · 03/07/2021 18:30

@MattHancocksSexTape

So for 15 years you’ve condoned your children being treated like second class citizens?! Fuck me.
Yeah this.

It should've been addressed a long time ago by the sound of it.

Howshouldibehave · 03/07/2021 18:30

We are together 15 years

You had three children of your own already, then have been with your husband for 15 years? How old are your own kids now?!

Ozanj · 03/07/2021 18:32

Why are you letting her treat your kids like that?

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 18:32

How old are the kids?

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/07/2021 18:35

As PP say, surely even your youngest child from your previous relationship is now adult or nearly adult. What are the actual ages here?

BornIn78 · 03/07/2021 18:35

You’ve let her treat your kids like second class citizens for 15 years? Poor kids.

The “say something” ship has well and truly sailed.

Howshouldibehave · 03/07/2021 18:35

Even if you had newborn triplets when you got together with your DH, they’ll be 15 now and probably not giving a stuff about a bag of sweets. As it is, you’ve mentioned you have an eldest, so I’m presuming at least one is even older!

Why have you let this go on for so many years and it’s only now that you’re thinking of doing something about it?!

jenbendy · 03/07/2021 18:36

Difficult one this as the older three must be way older if together 15 years so can see how the younger one is treated differently now/today.

Communication said calmly is best as you can't guess other people's perspective without giving them a chance to explain.

Also, if you did split with DH would they still be GC? Are there other GP who see this as their role?

These situations can be tricky so gentle communication is required

FortniteBoysMum · 03/07/2021 18:42

You absolutely say something to her. My dps father was like this. Eldest now 14 is not his but he has raised him since aged 2. His father was in and out but has been totally out for almost a decade. Youngest is dps aged 11. Dps father, step mum and half siblings all treated my eldest very differently. Kept acting like they included him to friends but never did. Another year of nothing for his birthday. When youngest received a card and they transfered money to me because had not put it in the card I sent it back. He called to say it bounced back and he would resend. I told him it did not bounce I sent it because I am sick of having to make it up to my other son as they say they will but never do. Told him you can bother with both or bother with non it's your choice but I choose to have my children treated equally. They now bother with both. My eldest recently had a gift from his bio father for first time in a very long time, still bo contact other than this but I will say he sent a gift for dad's sibling too. So I will give him credit for that.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 03/07/2021 18:44

Why the hell would you have allowed this for 15 years? You’ve allowed your children to be treated second best for so long!?

MyDcAreMarvel · 03/07/2021 18:55

Aren’t your older children adults or almost adults. It’s normal to treat little children differently to children age 16+

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 18:55

Until anyones knows their ages they don't know wether mil was out of order. The oldest 3 could be adults.

If there's a huge age gap, that could be apt of it.

She can still consider them all her grandkids, but treat one that is much younger different because that one could be a small child and the siblings adults.

And maybe when the other 3 were younger, she didn't bond with them the same way as she knew them from adolescence.

Not sure what op wants, she appears to want mil to say 'that one is my gc, the other 3 aren't' notbsure that would asked anyone feel better.

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 18:56

That last line should say

Not sure that would make anyone feel better

EveryoneIsThere · 03/07/2021 18:56

.

Nanny0gg · 03/07/2021 18:57

@MyDcAreMarvel

Aren’t your older children adults or almost adults. It’s normal to treat little children differently to children age 16+
But not if its always been like this.

Let your DH tell her.

Then enjoy the rift

Greenrubber · 03/07/2021 19:09

I don't know why people are having a go at the OP
The 3 children are obviously old enough to know she is not their grandma and won't be treated the same as the bio child
It's the fact the Mil chooses to brag about them when she wants to but doesn't bother with them any other time
I wouldn't let this get to me to be honest but if it makes you feel better then say something I sometimes think Mil's like to piss us all off

Hankunamatata · 03/07/2021 19:13

Do you see her that often?

Notaroadrunner · 03/07/2021 19:18

Stop allowing her to take advantage of you and stop expecting your dd to give up her room for her. After all, she's not her grandmother, isn't treated like her grandchild, so why should she accommodate her? What are you teaching your dd by allowing your mil to treat her like a second class citizen yet at the same time make her give up her room for her? Let her book into a b&b next time she wants to visit.

And yes, I would encourage Dh to say something but at this stage it's too little too late.

ChicChaos · 03/07/2021 19:22

Another one wondering about the age gap between the children here, and their contact with their father's side of the family - do they see their grandparents on that side at all?