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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my MIL stop saying my kids are her grandkids

50 replies

Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 18:23

Bear with me, I am married to a wonderful man who is also upset about this. We have 4 kids in our little family. Only 1 child is Dh's biological child. The other 3 are mine from a previous relationship. MIL adores her grandchild obviously. The problem is she brags to her friends that all the children are her grandchildren regardless of biology. Which would be wonderful only she doesn't acknowledge them in the same way as her biological grandchild. She spoils the bio grandchild but ignores the other 3, not as much as a token or bag of sweets. She always says she'll get them something later but never does. My eldest gives up her room when she stays and we run round like a maid/chauffeur service when she's
here. Dh said he wants to say something to her but I feel like it will turn into a family rift which would only upset him. It is hurtful as we rear the kids together and some acknowledgement of them would be nice. We are together 15 years and it has always been the same. MIL takes advantage of us which I can cope with, however I am wondering if the next time she claims they're all her grandkids should I say something. I know it might seem petty but it's starting to get on my nerves.

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 03/07/2021 19:22

Dh said he wants to say something to her but I feel like it will turn into a family rift which would only upset him

The current situation is upsetting him enough that he wants to say something. Why would you stop him? If a family rift occurs because of something HE says (in protection of YOUR children no less) then he’s an adult and he can deal with it.

Definitely his place to say something and not yours. If you say something and there’s a family rift, he’ll be stuck in the middle. If he says something, his mother has no excuse to blame you.

Mamanyt · 03/07/2021 19:22

I'm not sure what exactly you are being reasonable or unreasonable about...not wanting your DH to say anything, or being upset that MIL treats the children so differently. YABU to the first, YANBU to the second. If MIL wants to say to her friends that she considers all of the children her grandchildren, then she should behave as if they are. No question. It is your DH's responsibility to talk with her about this. And he should. Further, if she cannot treat the children equally while claiming them all as her grandchildren, I would go so far as to consider allowing her to visit the blood grandchild only when not in the presence of the other children, which only reinforces their feelings of rejection.

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 19:23

I can understand how it gets on your nerves but her biological grandchild is also the 'baby' of the family, and such babies often receive special attention. Try and think of it that way.

She obviously does care about your three older children and no doubt, when they are older, if they needed her help for anything she would provide it.

In some ways it is best not to say anything to her but I think at some point you will and she will recognise what you say and try to address it. Do try not to have a row though. If all your children like her, it isn't worth falling out over.

I understand how you feel (already said that), and, in your position, would probably feel the same. I know others who have had similar situations.

Howshouldibehave · 03/07/2021 19:23

I don't know why people are having a go at the OPThe 3 children are obviously old enough to know she is not their grandma and won't be treated the same as the bio child

I think people are just bemused as to why the OP has let this happen for 15 years and is now thinking about saying something, when her children must be nearly adults.

Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 19:31

The reason it went on so long is because we really didn't see them often enough to address it. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year. Circumstances have changed recently and we will be seeing MiL a lot, lot more. The kids are 22, 16 and 17.

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 03/07/2021 19:32

At that age they can buy their own sweets.

Notaroadrunner · 03/07/2021 19:35

@Brokenfeathers

The reason it went on so long is because we really didn't see them often enough to address it. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year. Circumstances have changed recently and we will be seeing MiL a lot, lot more. The kids are 22, 16 and 17.
Well let's hope she won't be staying in your house when you're seeing her a lot, lot more.
Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 19:35

True

OP posts:
Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 19:39

And how old is the youngest?

TheCanyon · 03/07/2021 19:40

My mum used to spoil rotten my eldest and not so much my 2nd dd (think because they had dd1 a lot as a baby) I soon enough put her right, I really lost my shit at her. She treats all four dc the same now.

My youngest db has 6 step children (all 16+) and 2 of his own. Older db has two of his own and one step dc. My mum treats them all equally, I think because of my rant at her she realised how important it is.

We've just been on holiday with my db, the two youngest step dc thanked me for treating them so well and being the best auntie. Was so bittersweet.

Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 19:40

@Mayaspecialist

And how old is the youngest?
11
OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 19:42

Also this they're all my grandkids has only started recently when someone else in the family embraced his step grandchildren as his own grandchildren.
The kids have a good relationship with their own paternal grandparents and they are very kind to my youngest too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 19:44

@TheCanyon

My mum used to spoil rotten my eldest and not so much my 2nd dd (think because they had dd1 a lot as a baby) I soon enough put her right, I really lost my shit at her. She treats all four dc the same now.

My youngest db has 6 step children (all 16+) and 2 of his own. Older db has two of his own and one step dc. My mum treats them all equally, I think because of my rant at her she realised how important it is.

We've just been on holiday with my db, the two youngest step dc thanked me for treating them so well and being the best auntie. Was so bittersweet.

That's lovely
OP posts:
mam0918 · 03/07/2021 19:44

My mam had a rule that me and my half siblings where treat equally by any family member regardless of biology (even each others fathers and their families), if we werent then they where cut off.

Its far more toxic to watch your siblings deliberately ignored/mistreated than it is to be cut off from the person that does that.

mathanxiety · 03/07/2021 19:46

My exMIL was a little different in that she both ignored the step children and also refused to count them as grandchildren, arguing with my children that the children they considered cousins were not cousins.

Your children and the relationships they have amongst themselves are more important than your MIL's feelings.

You need to speak up and let the chips fall where they may.

Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 19:53

@mathanxiety

My exMIL was a little different in that she both ignored the step children and also refused to count them as grandchildren, arguing with my children that the children they considered cousins were not cousins.

Your children and the relationships they have amongst themselves are more important than your MIL's feelings.

You need to speak up and let the chips fall where they may.

That's awful. The kids do get on with a lot of cousin's kids alright and they consider them family. Among each other.
OP posts:
nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 03/07/2021 20:11

@BornIn78

You’ve let her treat your kids like second class citizens for 15 years? Poor kids.

The “say something” ship has well and truly sailed.

This.
HelloDulling · 03/07/2021 20:19

Your DH could and should say something.

Next time she starts with it, a quick “Shame you’ve never treated them like yours for the last 15 years” should do it.

Original poster
Brokenfeathers · 03/07/2021 20:23

Fair enough. I have spoken to eldest 3 after reading the replies and they say they didn't feel second class and they don't care about her anymore anyway. She is friendly to them and dh doesn't treat them differently so they're good.
Thank you for the replies and your time. I can only regret not saying something sooner.

OP posts:
Loumarsh · 03/07/2021 20:25

Hi I am new to this,

I wondered if anyone had any idea or could point me in the right direction of some kind of scooter with parental controls? My son has a maxi scooter and is nearly six, we have a half an hour walk to school and he has a tendency to dart off or always wanting to run and not walk. I have a strap for the maxi scooter to pull him, but when I'm on the main road I would prefer something I could push, so I can see him. I would also need to be able to steer it, as he can sometimes lose his concentration.

Any advice is much appreciated.
Thank you

MimiDaisy11 · 03/07/2021 20:27

I can understand buying an 11 year old sweets and not doing it for children 16+.
Though it’s obviously more than that if it’s upsetting your husband. I really wouldn’t stop him bringing it up with the mil.

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 03/07/2021 20:34

@Loumarsh - you need to start your own thread, as your question will get lost here. Maybe in the Chat section? Smile

Viviennemary · 03/07/2021 20:37

I really dont get your problem. You've still not said the age gap. Which must have an effect on how they are treated.

Viviennemary · 03/07/2021 20:42

Sorry I see you have given their ages. It would bd difficult to treat a 22 year old thd same as an 11 year old.

Elderflower14 · 03/07/2021 20:45

Show your mother in law the sofa when she wants to go to bed next visit!! 😉

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