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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep quiet as it's an elder

55 replies

WeMarchOn · 03/07/2021 16:47

There's this person who every time they introduce me they say i suffer with autism.
This person is older and i have a lot of respect for, however it bugs me so much but i continue to stay quiet 🥴
Aibu to just let it slide?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2021 16:48

How often are they introducing you and to whom?

Original poster
WeMarchOn · 03/07/2021 16:49

@MrsTerryPratchett couple times a week in a conference call

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/07/2021 16:50

That's a strange attitude you have towards age.

Of course you can take them aside and have a quiet, polite word.

I'm not sure why you wouldn't? Older people aren't made of fragile china.

Original poster
WeMarchOn · 03/07/2021 16:52

@WorraLiberty was how i was brought up to always respect our elders

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 03/07/2021 16:53

But OP, this person is not being respectful towards you. Have a quiet word.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2021 16:54

[quote WeMarchOn]@WorraLiberty was how i was brought up to always respect our elders [/quote]
OK but how is it disrespectful to have a quiet word and ask them to stop doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable?

FeatheredHope · 03/07/2021 16:54

Is this at work or in your personal life? Either way, this is nothing to do with respecting elders. You have a polite word with them and just say “next time, when you introduce me on a conference call, please can you not also state I have autism as It doesn’t need to be said and makes me feel very uncomfortable? Thank you “

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/07/2021 16:54

It's not a strange attitude at all for a generation who were always told to respect their elders!

Is it a work colleague OP? I think you should be able to tell them. Unless it affects things then there's no reason for anyone to be told is there

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/07/2021 16:54

Is this work or something else?

And I assume you would rather have them say, "this is WeMarch" and that's it? Sometimes it's better to tell people what we want not what we don't want.

LubaLuca · 03/07/2021 16:55

You can respect someone and be straight with them. They need to be told to stop this weird introduction thing.

FeatheredHope · 03/07/2021 16:55

And being respectful to ones elders is not the same thing as not telling them when they’re doing something that upsets you.
By all means be polite but having respect for them
Doesn’t mean they are infallible either.

lborolass · 03/07/2021 16:55

No need for blind respect for someone simply because they are older than you, that's an extremely out dated view surely.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/07/2021 16:56

Respect them by all means but they are not showing you any.

They are taking away your agency every time they do this. Telling people your personal, medical information is breaking your right to confidentiality - which applies in your personal life as much as work life.

And that's assuming that you do have autism ('suffer' from it?!?!).

Tell them to stop.

Tell them they are infantilising you

Tell them they are embarrassing you

Tell them that they are being very rude

EssentialHummus · 03/07/2021 16:56

“I’m not comfortable with how you introduce me in meetings. “And this is [name] is just fine, thanks. My autism doesn’t need to be mentioned, and if it does I’ll be the one to mention it.”

Original poster
WeMarchOn · 03/07/2021 16:57

So I'm an autism advocate and i don't mind someone saying I'm an autistic adult at all, however we don't suffer with autism 🥴

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 03/07/2021 16:58

However it's worded, that's for you to share, not this other person.

Twoforthree · 03/07/2021 16:59

@FeatheredHope

Is this at work or in your personal life? Either way, this is nothing to do with respecting elders. You have a polite word with them and just say “next time, when you introduce me on a conference call, please can you not also state I have autism as It doesn’t need to be said and makes me feel very uncomfortable? Thank you “
This
Happygogoat · 03/07/2021 17:03

Am I right in understanding OP that you don't mind them stating you are autistic, but dislike the "suffers with"??

I think regardless of age or station it is perfectly fine to have a quiet word and state your preference - either for it to be phrased differently, or not said.

If this person js decent they will respect your wishes immediately and that's the end of it. Good luck x

WeatherwaxOn · 03/07/2021 17:05

My close friend is autistic. They dislike being referred to as "a person with autism" because as they say, 'you might say, "look over there, there is a person with a suitcase'" but that person can put the suitcase down.'
They are happy to be referred to as "an autistic adult".
Usually the fact that they have autism does need to be brought into conversation as they way they respond to some things and the way they react is not neurotypical. They need time to consider options and can get overwhelmed when there are too many choices, or if being time pressured in a ace-to-face situation.

Like me, they were raised at a time when we were taught 'to respect your elders', and specifically 'your elders and betters'. Over time both of us have come to realise that just because someone is older than they don't automatically earn the right to respect, and they don't automatically have greater knowledge.

WorraLiberty · 03/07/2021 17:07

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

It's not a strange attitude at all for a generation who were always told to respect their elders!

Is it a work colleague OP? I think you should be able to tell them. Unless it affects things then there's no reason for anyone to be told is there

It's not a strange attitude at all for a generation who were always told to respect their elders!

It is once you're well into adulthood. Most of us start to understand the difference between disrespect and disagreement.

The two aren't the same thing at all, although as children we often got them confused.

LIZS · 03/07/2021 17:10

Is it that they refer to you as autistic when it is not relevant to the discussion/context or that they say you "suffer". They may think it overcomes awkwardness but if you don't like it say so, privately, or suggest an alternative turn of phrase.

TheSpottedZebra · 03/07/2021 17:11

I wasn't aware of the difference, so thank you for explaining it.

You could explain it to the other person just as you have done here? Weather's suitcase analogy was helpful too.

bugeyedsquirrel · 03/07/2021 17:17

Please don’t feel you have to put up with this OP, it might not be that this person means to be rude but they are being rude. You’re well within your rights to tell them that you’re not comfortable with this and to ask them to introduce you by name only etc

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/07/2021 17:21

Ambassador or not, that information is for you to share. Not someone who seems to think you need to be protected, explained or excused.

You are the only person who should be sharing any information about yourself.

Not because you have autism but because you are an adult, with agency. Just like the rest of us!

yeOldeTrout · 03/07/2021 17:22

Do you want them to tell everyone on the call each time about your autism? Do you need others to know that?

You can ask them to change their words. If they truly need to introduce your condition, to just say WMO "has autism". Be very specific and very brief that you want them to describe your condition that way ("has autism") and not use the words "suffer from". As long as you speak simply and calmly you won't offend them. Be very specific but brief about what you want and what you don't want.

I don't have autism but I could imagine a few times practicing how to make that request to make sure it was simple and specific.