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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep quiet as it's an elder

55 replies

WeMarchOn · 03/07/2021 16:47

There's this person who every time they introduce me they say i suffer with autism.
This person is older and i have a lot of respect for, however it bugs me so much but i continue to stay quiet 🥴
Aibu to just let it slide?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 03/07/2021 17:25

In what context does this happen?

You say a couple of times a week in conference calls - so there’s sounds like they’re professional calls - otherwise there wouldn’t be so many, with so many introductions.

You then mention that you’re at autism advocate? So are these calls ones where you are attending as an autism advocate? Because that would take it from “weird as fuck” to keep telling people, to possibly very relevant and reasonable.

In which case, this isn’t about showing disrespect, it’s simply explaining to your colleague (?) how you wish to be introduced, and what phrase you prefer.

LordEmsworth · 03/07/2021 17:37

Surely you can correct them respectfully though? And surely you respect people who are younger than you as well as those who are older?
It's actually quite disrespectful to treat "elders" like idiots - I mean besides anything, someone of working age would probably be quite offended to be referred to as an "elder" Grin

PanamaPattie · 03/07/2021 17:43

Correct them every time. They are rude. Imagine if at every meeting someone was introduced as "this is Anne - she suffers from piles".

couchparsnip · 03/07/2021 17:46

I would write to them in an email and state what you would prefer them to say.
They are presumably not trying to upset you on purpose and are just ignorant of what to say.
You want to respect them but as long as your email is not rude they won't mind at all. They should not consider it disrespectful to correct them.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 03/07/2021 17:47

I think you should just politely ask her to stop.

If for no other reason that it's actually a breach of GDPR for her to announce your private medical information to people without a very good reason AND your direct consent to do so.

You may allow her to get away with it, but if she does it to someone else who does mind then she could end up in trouble at work if it's taken to HR.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 03/07/2021 17:48

When you say “elder” how old are we taking here?

Paddling654 · 03/07/2021 17:49

Are they mentioning it because it is helpful information for the person to have? If this is a work environment and perhaps the other person will be confused if they don't know, I can understand that someone needs to mention it. You, if you prefer.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 03/07/2021 17:49

Op you can bring this up without being ruse or disrespectful. It really is inappropriate of them to introduce you like that, even if it's well intentioned, so you absolutely should address it.

Original poster
WeMarchOn · 03/07/2021 18:00

Well I'm nearly 40 so i need to put my big girls pants on!!
So it's a community of coaches/mentors and basically they are saying what i do (and that I'm autistic) but says i suffer with autism.
I have no problem anyone knowing I'm autistic, i just don't like the "suffer" bit

OP posts:
3scape · 03/07/2021 18:06

Definitely use it as a teaching moment.

Schoolchoicesucks · 03/07/2021 18:07

Don't let it slide. You're not being rude to them by explaining how you prefer to be introduced, you're educating them. As an advocate, that sounds exactly what you should be doing!

If you're worried about it, and you haven't already, you could gently introduce yourself, rephrasing it as you'd prefer. Eg they say "this is Bob, who suffers with autism" and you say "Hi, I'm Bob and I have autism". Some people would pick up on that difference and mirror it the next time they are introducing you. Some won't and if you've already done that and they haven't changed, you are not being rude by explaining how you'd like to be introduced.

Of course, if your autism isn't relevant to the meeting or person you are being introduced to, there's no need to mention it at all and again, you're not being rude to explain this.

lidoshuffle · 03/07/2021 18:10

I'm still working in mid 60s and I'd hate to think a 40 year old colleague was referring to me as "an elder". I'd hate it, in a quasi-professional context, if I were 90.

Age is irrelevant on both sides. If you want to be introduced in another way, just tell her. She'd be rude not to comply.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 18:21

I think it's really important to address this because if you're not comfortable with the way it's phrased many other people may not be comfortable with it either.

You can do it respectfully so don't worry about that.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/07/2021 18:25

He could say “WeMarchOn is an autism advocate” if it’s relevant to the meeting.

Hoppinggreen · 03/07/2021 18:25

[quote WeMarchOn]@WorraLiberty was how i was brought up to always respect our elders [/quote]
Living longer than you doesn’t automatically deserve respect

Comedycook · 03/07/2021 18:27

I'm confused about the fact that they're your elder. Unless they're actually elderly with dementia, you are not under any obligation to allow them to offend or upset you purely because they are older than you.

SengaMac · 03/07/2021 18:29

Send the person a short message, explaining how you'd like to be introduced.

Funnylittlefloozie · 03/07/2021 18:31

Is the person who is introducing you also neurodiverse? It may be if they are older (and autistic), they have had it drummed into them to say "suffers from".

It is not rude to have a polite conversation with this person, out of the conference call, and politely ask them to refer to as autistic, rather than suffering from autism. If you are polite and respectful, that conversation is perfectly ok to have with someone older than you.

It is also ok to take some control in the conference call. So when Bossy Elder has introduced you, it is absolutely acceptable to say "thank you for introducing me, Bossy Elder. I am autistic, but I don't suffer from it, its just a part of me". Trust me, the other people you are working with probably think Bossy Elder's phrasing is a bit off, but haven't liked to say anything.

Cocomarine · 03/07/2021 18:32

@WeMarchOn

Well I'm nearly 40 so i need to put my big girls pants on!! So it's a community of coaches/mentors and basically they are saying what i do (and that I'm autistic) but says i suffer with autism. I have no problem anyone knowing I'm autistic, i just don't like the "suffer" bit
That doesn’t explain whether it’s relevant to say that you’re autistic.

Regardless of whether you mind people knowing / being told that you are, it’s rude to announce it when not relevant.

But it might be part of your agreed intros and perfectly relevant, e.g.

“Hi, I’m Elder - and I’m a mentor, particularly working with late re-training and career changes. This is WeMarched, who coaches young people with autism, close to her heart as she has autism herself.”

If you are having 2-3 conference calls a week, why aren’t you introducing yourself? That’s another way to approach this - tell her you’ll introduce yourself. I do conference calls all the time and although one person from our “side” leads the introductions, it’s far more common to say, “I’m Coco, lead for xyz, and I’ll let the rest of the team introduce themselves - WeMarched?”

It is absolutely not disrespectful to say, “Elder, when you introduce me, you always say that I suffer from autism. I don’t suffer - and that’s a negative impression for the call attendees. I just say that I HAVE autism, or I AM autistic.” You can just email that if you don’t want to say it in person.

willyoumeetmeonclareisland · 03/07/2021 18:33

I suspect that they don't mean to be rude.....just tell them....I think you both win if you do.

billy1966 · 03/07/2021 18:45

I think that is extremely rude of them and none òf their bloody business.

Lose the respect, they don't deserve it.

Tell them straight that it is not their place to attach a lable to you when introducing you and to stop it or you will be equally bloody rude to then and attach a label to THEIR name.

Very rude IMO.

walkoflifewoohoo · 03/07/2021 18:49

Is the fact you're autistic relevant, as in it explains why you are at the meeting?

If so, just say "Jim, I've noticed lately that when you introduce me you stated that I "suffer with Autism". Could you change it to "This is Sarah, she's an autistic adult" please, because I don't actually "suffer". Thanks

Mamamamasaurus · 03/07/2021 18:57

Respecting your elders doesn't mean "let them treat you like a lesser person"

They're out of order and they need to be told to stop.

Standing your ground isn't being disrespectful

listsandbudgets · 03/07/2021 19:00

I think I'd say something. Does she mention everyone else's issues as well..

"good morning this Listsandbudgets she has epilepsy, this is wemarchon she has autism, Martha has clinical depression and Josephine jere has OCD.. "

See how awful that would be. You need to say something. Autism may impact you, but it does not define you. Just a quick email

Dear Elder

I know you're meaning well but please can kindly stop mentioning that I am autistic everything you introduce me. I find uncomfortable and embarrassing and I dont really want to discuss this private matter with others.

I'm sure you understand

Tal45 · 03/07/2021 19:44

Why don't they let you introduce yourself??? Unless you've said you are not comfortable with that? I think you are taking the phrase respect your elders too literally - it is really meant for children. Not that there's anything wrong with being respectful but that doesn't mean be seen and not heard :-)

Nothing wrong with saying that you don't feel like you 'suffer' with autism as you see it as a positive part of yourself and would they mind just saying you're an autistic adult instead. Whoever is saying this should frankly be mortified that this didn't occur to them.