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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Need to get out of relationship please help?

56 replies

babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 14:01

I have a small baby and PND. Partner is making my mental health so much worse. How do I go about getting out of this? I'm so scared

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:25

@DinosaurDiana

Can you afford to rent somewhere on your own ? I’m assuming you’d be liable for your half of your current rent unless he agreed to take it over. How long is left on the agreement ?

I'm not sure actually I'd have to check, we moved here in April 2020 and I think it was a 12 month lease and I haven't re signed anything since ...

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 03/07/2021 17:25

Are you currently on antidepressants ?

Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:26

Yes I could afford somewhere a lot smaller on my own but not sure I could afford childcare fees as well to continue working

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:27

@DinosaurDiana

Are you currently on antidepressants ?
Been prescribed citalopram- too scared to take them
OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 03/07/2021 17:28

Have you spoken to your partner about splitting up, how much access he would want, and what maintenance he would pay ?

DinosaurDiana · 03/07/2021 17:29

My DH is on Citalopram. They were a life saver for him.
They take time to work, they’re not a quick fix.

Starlightstarbright1 · 03/07/2021 17:32

Ok firstly take your medication. It isn't an instant fix but will help you think more clearly once it kicks in.

You are unwell. A lot of pnd is chemical.

In what ways is partner making it worse?

Babygotblueyes · 03/07/2021 17:32

111 first. Womens aid or similar for advice going forward.

Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:32

@DinosaurDiana

Have you spoken to your partner about splitting up, how much access he would want, and what maintenance he would pay ?
Not yet, but I will. Baby is only small and breastfed. I couldn't let him take her
OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:35

@Starlightstarbright1

Ok firstly take your medication. It isn't an instant fix but will help you think more clearly once it kicks in.

You are unwell. A lot of pnd is chemical.

In what ways is partner making it worse?

He ignores me if I cry. He implied the other day it's my fault of baby cries. He coos and is all lovely to baby then ignores me or looks at me with contempt at the same time as being lovely to baby. He said he's "sick" of my illness and he's had enough. That sort of thing.
OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:36

When I pick up the phone to call someone like the PND helpline (panda I think?) he mocks me rolling his eyes saying "who are you calling now?". That's sort of thing he does to make it worse

OP posts:
willstarttomorrow · 03/07/2021 17:48

OP- I think you need to tackle your mental health to be honest. I am not sure from your posts if your relationship/partner are the cause or your poor mental health is impacting how you view this at the moment. If you need to leave- people survive on much less as single parents.

However, I am concerned that you are not really in a place to make clear decisions at the moment. If your relationship is abusive I would suggest maybe ringing your local children's services who could support you. I am really sorry to say, we are really struggling to get women and children hostel places and availability could be anywhere in the UK. However if your MH is so low at the moment, I do not think you are in a place to make life changing decisions without support and professional help. Do not think too far ahead, just tackle what you need to do to get through today and tomorrow. Good luck.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 17:53

Have a look on the government website. Dependant on your maternity pay, you might get benefits whilst you're on maternity leave.

I don't imagine you'd get any help when you're back at work on your salary but you'd be ok financially depending where you live.

Do you have money to move out now? Would he leave if you asked him to?

Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:56

@girlmom21

Have a look on the government website. Dependant on your maternity pay, you might get benefits whilst you're on maternity leave.

I don't imagine you'd get any help when you're back at work on your salary but you'd be ok financially depending where you live.

Do you have money to move out now? Would he leave if you asked him to?

I just put my details into the online benefits calculator and my estimated nursery fees to allow me to continue work FT and it says I'm entitled to £700 a month UC?? Does that sounds right based on a 46k salary?!

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 17:59

@girlmom21

I couldn't really move out now, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 18:00

Yes he would probably leave if I asked him to

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 18:04

@babyblues21 I'm surprised the contribution is that much but it'd be amazing if it is!

I'd ask him to leave if you think he'd be willing to do so and you think it would help your MH.

Furrydogmum · 03/07/2021 18:12

OP please address your mental health before making such a major decision - unless you feel unsafe.. Please be aware Citalopram can make you feel worse before you feel better, then the same when coming off it. Keep in touch with whoever prescribed the meds and ask for counselling ASAP - I know it isn't available very quickly at the moment but more so if paid for privately. Your partner sounds incredibly selfish and if he would leave that would probably be a lot easier for you than you having to start over.. Good luck.

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 03/07/2021 19:05

Hi babyblues21,

We hope you don't mind us dropping in but we often add links to the following sources of support when people are feeling as you do right now.

Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We really hope things look brighter soon

Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 19:13

I just want to find a way to get away from him so he can't take my baby

OP posts:
Ludo19 · 03/07/2021 19:32

Well if he'd leave if you asked him to, then ask him. Get some advice regarding your mental health

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 19:44

@babyblues21

I just want to find a way to get away from him so he can't take my baby
Do you think he will genuinely take the baby or is it something you're paranoid about because of your struggles at the moment?
Original poster
babyblues21 · 03/07/2021 19:49

@girlmom21
I feel like he hates me and will take my baby

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 20:13

[quote babyblues21]@girlmom21
I feel like he hates me and will take my baby [/quote]
From what you've said he sounds tired and frustrated but not like he hates you or wants to take your baby.

Start your meds, call your doctor on Monday morning and speak to your partner about how he's feeling right now. You might be surprised.

MummyCaitay · 03/07/2021 20:16

so what i am getting is although your not afraid of your partner in a physical aspect but what he is doing to your mental health clearly is not the health. may i ask, how old is your baby?
also phone your gp and tell the reception staff that you need an emergancy appointment regarding your mental health and if the try to fob you off then explain until the surgery closes at the end of day, they have a duty of care and must see you. they will most likely refer you to your local perinatal mental health team who will assess and move forward with the correct treatment plan.
as for leaving your partner, it will be an adjustment however i found being a single mum alot easier than being in a relationship.
that feeling of guilt is so normal, you just have to find away to occupy yourself to distract from these thoughts. if you have any definete plans to end your life. please message me or anyone that you have connected with on this thread. YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN! xxx