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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s going to be difficult to stay friends now? :(

26 replies

Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 13:52

I’ll try and keep this concise because no one likes an essay for an OP.
I’ve known my best friend for 25+ years, we live in different countries and have very different lifestyles now (I posted about this previously as I’ve struggled with this a bit over lockdown) as he’s in a high profile industry and very wealthy.
I went to visit him for a weekend when he was working closer to home, and while it was lovely, it’s also created a weird vibe.
We had a few drinks and I told him that I’d been feeling very envious of his lifestyle for the first time recently, and how I’ve realised it’s actually more about me and the struggles I’m having to balance my 18 month old and dying career.
He was lovely about it and said that’s although he enjoys his lifestyle and the doors that his wealth opens, he’s very envious with what I’ve got - married with a baby - as he’s keen for a family.
All fine. Then he made a joke that if we had not been platonic friends all this time and we had got together we would have each had the best of both worlds.
Again, fine, but then he kept making little comments throughout the rest of the visit, like if DH gets sick of me, I know where he is, that kind of thing. “Joking” but almost felt like not joking. He was also very complimentary the whole time I was there (I could be overthinking it, he knows I’m feeling low post baby at the moment) but I don’t know, there seemed like there was a vibe.

It’s thrown me completely because we have always been platonic friends there’s never been any question of anything between us, DH adores him and friend loves DS and DH. We’ve spoken since on WhatsApp etc as usual and there is just something different about it and I can’t really put my finger on what it is because on the surface of it we are chatting about normal stuff.

It’s made me feel oddly guilty as though I’m
up to something I shouldn’t be, which I’m absolutely not.

I just feel like although this is a small thing, our friendship isn’t going to be the same anymore? I suppose on the bright side I’ve completely forgotten about the envy I was feeling Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 13:53

Oh look, it turned into an essay anyway 🙈

OP posts:
Hopdathelf · 03/07/2021 13:57

You got so much good advice on your last thread and a lot of it was not to mention how you were feeling and let things blow over once life returned to normal. Very often it’s a case of least said, soonest mended.

Lollypop701 · 03/07/2021 13:59

It could be be that if you were interested in him, he’d know it was for him not anything else. He probably meets loads of fake people and you remind him that there are nice people out there…. But how can he meet them??? Honestly, you need to tell him to get a grip or he’ll loose your friendship, but I’d give him a chance

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 14:03

@Hopdathelf I know :( and I was very grateful to everyone who posted. When we were chatting and catching up though it just kind of came out how I’d been feeling, it didn’t seem like a huge deal anymore and I just wanted to clear the air.
Maybe if I just carry on as normal it will actually go back to normal.

OP posts:
Gertie75 · 03/07/2021 14:04

I think I remember your other thread and people guessing who it was so presuming he's a well known singer.

It sounds like a throwaway comment to make you feel better, he's probably a bit embarrassed when he talks to people from his previous life and uses compliments to flatter them and say how they also have things he'd like.

When I daydream about lottery wins I can imagine how it would feel to be around my current friends when I then have millions and they're still struggling with a mundane life to pay the bills, I'd still like them just as much but feel awkward that I'd been lucky enough to have a great lifestyle now, I'm sure I'd overcompensate.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 14:06

Thanks. I realise I sound like a proper drama llama reading it back. But I think it’s because this friendship is very important to me, as I said previously, so I think I’m really over analysing at the moment.

OP posts:
supermodel · 03/07/2021 14:09

Yes I think you are over analysing it.

MareMare · 03/07/2021 14:13

I think you’re overthinking a clumsy but well-meant throwaway compliment meant to make you feel better. You admitted to envying his life, he told you in return he envied your relationship and your child — he was trying to big you up. I think he was just trying to put you in a position where he was presenting himself as the one with less power.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 14:18

I’m really glad it reads that way thank you, exactly why I posted to get an objective opinion. I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the moment, after being locked down etc for so long I appear to be the most anxious, over sensitive, over analysing drama llama there is.

OP posts:
Radio4ordie · 03/07/2021 14:24

Personally I would let it blow over and act normally but not engage or fan any flames around this point. If he carries on or it intensifies then you might have to pass comment such “ah yes but I’m happily married so no more of that kind of talk”… but likely it’s a passing “lonely and my friend who I care about a lot is here” kind of thing which will be forgotten if you don’t make a big deal of it.

MareMare · 03/07/2021 14:25

It just sounds like you’ve lost confidence in yourself a bit, and added to that the weird psychological effect lockdowns have had on all of us.

CoRhona · 03/07/2021 14:26

I remember your previous threads on this. You have mentionitis...Wink

MsHedgehog · 03/07/2021 14:33

How many times have you mentioned being friends with this very wealthy high profile guy. Seems he’s always mentioned!

Justwantanewname · 03/07/2021 14:35

If you get the sense that he was putting out the feelers don’t ignore your instincts. It doesn’t mean you need to dump the friendship but just be a bit wary for a bit. Maybe lockdown has made him think about the family side of life that he’s missing and you’re right there in front of him and ‘what if’ has suddenly popped into his head. It could go again (and hopefully will) just as quickly and everything back to normal. Fingers crossed

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 14:35

Three threads, I guess it’s because it’s been on my mind recently. I only mentioned those things because they were relevant to the problem I was having in the other thread, not to brag or anything.

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CityCommuter · 03/07/2021 14:43

@Bellasblankexpression it sounds like you have feelings for him tbh - are you reminiscing about the past before you met your DH and about what could have been with your friend? I think he's flirting with you a bit and seeing how you'll respond... do you think he could be jealous of what you have with a DH and baby? As you say he's wealthy but if that's all he's got in his life then it's just material things isn't it...

My advice is to be careful with him as he could be looking for a quick fling with you and will drop you and then your marriage is ruined. As you've known him for so long you must have an idea of his intentions - what's his relationship history?

Bluedeblue · 03/07/2021 14:44

Sounds to me as though he does like you in the romantic sense, and was putting the feelers out.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 16:16

I really, absolutely do not have those kind of feelings for him. I really don’t. I’m married.

Thanks for the advice, I will stop over analysing and stop posting about it all!

OP posts:
lazylump72 · 03/07/2021 17:52

My advice OP...just stop. Concentrate on your marriage and your little one. Good friends are very hard to find and because of how YOU feel you are very in danger here of muddying the waters .Perfectly natural to be envious of all the money,the status etc but its not your problem to have..all you have to do is be a good genuine friend and all you need to do is concentrate on your family first and foremost.With all this mentsal anguish you are putting yourself through you are in danger of pissing everyone important to you off. He must have secretly thought you were bonkers you confessing to him how much his "work life and persona" suddenly bothers you.You accept him as he is or you don't but in the meantime you need to shift your complete focus from him and back on to getting you in a more healthy stable mental place. All this agonising about him whoever the chuff he is means you are not totally concentrating on a little one or a husband and home life that needs you. This is turning into an obsession with you and you need to sort out whats important ot you bugger him you have bigger fish to fry and all the wealth and status in the world won;t matter a jot when you cause both your friendship and marriage to go pear shaped. Sorry lovely but you are on shaky ground here however much you protest and in your mindframe it wouldnt take a lot to tip up the whole apple cart all ways round.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 18:54

@lazylump72 😳 thank you. I haven’t been letting things with DH and DS slide, although I appreciate I probably do sound bonkers :-/

OP posts:
PrickIsaac · 03/07/2021 18:56

Yes I remember your previous thread. Yeh I think you're reading into it too much. Maybe distance yourself a little and focus on family if its getting to you.

Noname1999 · 03/07/2021 18:59

Being married does not stop feelings for others... Stop feeding this in your head and concentrate on your family.

Bluntness100 · 03/07/2021 19:05

This reads to me like you’re starting to think of him in that way and want to know if posters think he fancies you. You’ve also started three threads on him so sound quite obsessed.

Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 20:11

I think that is what you have to do. Your friend is probably embarrassed about it too. Treat it as a joke, no more than that. He will meet someone eventually and that will put a full stop to it altogether; you will be delighted for him and make her welcome.

These things happen between friends sometimes but if they are sensible, it goes no further.

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 20:19

@Bluntness100 ah I’m sorry that’s how it comes across that’s not what I mean.
And I probably do sound obsessed but I can’t really talk to anyone in the real world about it. Hence the threads on here.

Anyway back to the football Grin

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