Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum is a control freak.

47 replies

DisneyDamsel89 · 03/07/2021 11:32

I'm currently in the process of divorcing my husband and I'm staying at my Mum's whilst I'm waiting to get my new house sorted out.

I work during the week and have the weekend off. So, today I was sorting through some of my paperwork on the table and found some letters that have been opened! They are CLEARLY addressed to me, so couldn't be mistaken for hers.

I quite rightly, I think, questioned her about it and she got defensive and quite honestly - rude. She said "I thought it would help you out and if you can't see that then quite honestly there's something wrong with you."

I have literally just left a narcissistic husband! I feel so lost and alone right now.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Rosesareyellow · 03/07/2021 11:58

‘Helpfully’ open some of her mail and see how she likes it? Seriously though, everyone knows you don’t open someone’s mail (it’s illegal isn’t it??) so there’s more wrong with her than you and I wouldn’t say it anymore politely than that.

FictionalCharacter · 03/07/2021 11:59

She’s 100% wrong. You don’t open other people’s mail unless they ask you to.
So sorry you’re in this situation. Is there anywhere else you can stay instead?

Mrstamborineman · 03/07/2021 12:00

Yanbu.
What springs to my mind is that you a narc mum and chose a narc dh. Perhaps learned to identify and feel safe with certain behaviors.
Leave her playpen ASAP.

riseandshine2021 · 03/07/2021 12:01

Yanbu. It's a criminal offence to open other people's letters for a reason.

3scape · 03/07/2021 12:03

Leave. As soon as you can.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 12:07

How do I handle this
By getting your own place to stay!
you're on her territory, even if she is out of order you can't expect start laying down the rules

Pikachusbutt · 03/07/2021 12:08

@Mrstamborineman

Yanbu. What springs to my mind is that you a narc mum and chose a narc dh. Perhaps learned to identify and feel safe with certain behaviors. Leave her playpen ASAP.
Yup, you married your parents OP.

I did the same unfortunately.

Biker47 · 03/07/2021 12:11

@riseandshine2021

Yanbu. It's a criminal offence to open other people's letters for a reason.
No it's not, least of all if it's address to your house.
TidyDancer · 03/07/2021 12:11

@o8T8o

How do I handle this By getting your own place to stay! you're on her territory, even if she is out of order you can't expect start laying down the rules
With some things, I would agree with this, but OP's DM doesn't have the right to open her post just because she's staying there! That's a massive stretch!
Gumboots29 · 03/07/2021 12:14

My Mum is like this even at my house. Not opening mail but ‘helping’ in ways that I absolutely do not want or need. I find it infuriating.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 12:16

I'm not saying she isn't out of order opening someone else's post just that it's not a good strategy to fight the dragon in the dragon's lair 🐲

EverNapping · 03/07/2021 12:17

Say you assisted the thought (lie), but you do not want her to open anymore of your mail. Then reassess your response if she breaches that.

EverNapping · 03/07/2021 12:18

*appreciate!

Deelish75 · 03/07/2021 12:18

She said "I thought it would help you out and if you can't see that then quite honestly there's something wrong with you."

I’m struggling to see how this is helpful. I do believe forcing help onto another person is controlling (been there with my own mum).

Agree with others about moving out ASAP, and putting a bit of distance between you both.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 12:18

@Gumboots29

My Mum is like this even at my house. Not opening mail but ‘helping’ in ways that I absolutely do not want or need. I find it infuriating.
Imo this is a dominance behaviour, it's a way of turning your home into her territory, I suggest finding a way to firmly shut her down and send a clear message that on your territory it's your rules.
Original poster
DisneyDamsel89 · 03/07/2021 12:18

She's now stomped off out of the house! I wasn't rude or disrespectful I just calmly said that I appreciated her letting me stay but I would rather she didn't open my letters.

Even my ex didn't go through my mail!!!

OP posts:
o8T8o · 03/07/2021 12:20

If you challenge the dragon in the dragon's lair the only response you will get is that fire will be breathed all over you

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 12:20

Open all her post

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 12:21

@MouldyPotato

Open all her post
🤣🤣🤣 Please come back and let us know how that went
Tistheseason17 · 03/07/2021 12:34

Move into rented as quick as you can.
She is likely the reason you married someone unpleasant as that was what you had been raised to accept.
The thing is - you can see it now. Get out.

ComDummings · 03/07/2021 12:36

@MouldyPotato

Open all her post
This ^
Ponoka7 · 03/07/2021 12:53

If she comes back playing the victim don't pander to her. No explanations are needed, keep stonewalling her that you don't want her to do it.

Ponoka7 · 03/07/2021 12:59

Don't open her post, because then you'll validate her actions and she can do it in the future.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 13:15

Alternatively DO open her post, make her absolutely furious so she behaves in an awful way and you have a great excuse to cut her out of your life forever
Job done ✔️

yoyo1234 · 03/07/2021 13:17

Get out of there ASAP Flowers