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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum is a control freak.

47 replies

DisneyDamsel89 · 03/07/2021 11:32

I'm currently in the process of divorcing my husband and I'm staying at my Mum's whilst I'm waiting to get my new house sorted out.

I work during the week and have the weekend off. So, today I was sorting through some of my paperwork on the table and found some letters that have been opened! They are CLEARLY addressed to me, so couldn't be mistaken for hers.

I quite rightly, I think, questioned her about it and she got defensive and quite honestly - rude. She said "I thought it would help you out and if you can't see that then quite honestly there's something wrong with you."

I have literally just left a narcissistic husband! I feel so lost and alone right now.

How do I handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
DisneyDamsel89 · 03/07/2021 13:27

Thanks everyone Flowers I kind of feel like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire!!

OP posts:
davidrosejumper · 03/07/2021 13:45

Just because you are staying there, does not give her ANY justification to go through personal communication. Only very few situations would.

She has no right to be angry about you commenting on it, and may only act so indignant, as she deep down knows she was firmly in the wrong.

Stand your ground, and keep those boundaries. Hope things will be better for you soon, OP!

Katkinsgreyy · 03/07/2021 14:02

It's a lack of respect for your privacy.
She has no right to open your letters and needs to stop over stepping boundaries.

Hopefully now you've said something she might not open anymore in future

Omletteforbreakfast · 03/07/2021 14:08

@DisneyDamsel89

Thanks everyone Flowers I kind of feel like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire!!
Disney how horrid for you ! Completely agree you were right to confront and call this out but you should be able to feel safe in your DM's home from controlling behaviours. - sending hugs
hysteriaonthedancefloor · 03/07/2021 14:10

This is probably why you ended up with a narcissistic husband. Your boundaries are eroded.

You can't change her. You need to get out quickly and make a life on your own terms.

Laserbird16 · 03/07/2021 14:16

Leave as soon as you can.

Is there a friend/sibling/hotel you can stay with? If you really want to pee on her chips go before she comes back from her flounce, she can thank you later when she tells her tale of aggrieved mother 'just helping'. People like your DM don't expect boundaries and you can't expect them to respect them.

StillCalmX · 03/07/2021 14:18

I had this exact same realisation after i left an abusive controlling man to live with my parents. You are not alone.

This is depressingly common. Xxxx

StillCalmX · 03/07/2021 14:21

@Ponoka7

If she comes back playing the victim don't pander to her. No explanations are needed, keep stonewalling her that you don't want her to do it.
Yes, if she comes back acting like she is the victim of you dont pander to her.
LonginesPrime · 03/07/2021 14:36

Move out ASAP and set some proper boundaries.

It's going to be impossible to do that while she's doing you the ongoing favour of letting her stay with you as she clearly doesn't respect normal boundaries and will continue to breach them, gaslight you and emotionally manipulate you.

The only way to deal with someone like that is to become independent from them, otherwise she'll just continue to control you because you're relying on her.

I have this with my mother, and I always end up having to tell her that I'm grateful for her help, but that if she can't respect my boundaries, I can do without her help. Sometimes she can keep her behaviour under wraps for a little while once I've warned her, but she can't help herself and always ends up meddling in the end (I had to cut contact as she's a nightmare).

Original poster
DisneyDamsel89 · 03/07/2021 15:26

@LonginesPrime Yeah, I know at some point I'm going to have to do the same. I'm better at standing up for myself than I was when I was younger with her. She's pretty much alienated me from my Dad and my brother. She doesn't seem to want me to have anyone but her. When I try to tell other people what she's like they just don't believe me. It's very frustrating and had knocked my confidence a lot.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 03/07/2021 15:36

She's pretty much alienated me from my Dad and my brother

Are you me?

Yeah, I've given up on trying to explain it to other people as it just compounds the gaslighting as they think she's great, so I ended up doubting myself and feeling like I was BU for even thinking her behaviour toward me was manipulative, and then believing "oh no- perhaps I am just oversensitive and imagining things after all".

I've found that it's actually quite liberating realising that I don't have to explain myself to others (especially the people who know her) and that I'm entitled to feel however I want about her, regardless of anyone else's relationship with her.

My relationship with her is personal to me, so no-one else has the knowledge to judge it accurately from the outside.

Plus, people who've had healthy parental relationships often can't understand, as her behaviour would sound absolutely batshit to them, because they don't believe that people actually behave like that.

Original poster
DisneyDamsel89 · 03/07/2021 15:53

@LonginesPrime Yeah, I know what you mean. Annoyingly enough, the only person who has ever seen her for who she is, is my ex! I suppose he recognised it from his own behaviour. She always paints herself as my saviour and I'm just the pathetic little screw up who can't manage without her.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 03/07/2021 16:06

She always paints herself as my saviour and I'm just the pathetic little screw up who can't manage without her

I know what you mean, and I know how ridiculously hard it is to break away from being the person she says you are (especially when she built you that way), but I've found it very helpful to keep reminding myself that who she says I am isn't the truth - it's just who she needs me to be and it's the role I play in her life (basically as a prop for her to be the person she wants to be, not as an individual with my own needs and emotions).

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a whole person outside of her and she doesn't get to dictate who I am or what I do, regardless of how much she desperately wants/needs to.

If you don't already, I would try journalling to get your feelings out there and reflect on the unhelpful patterns you get into with her (and everything else you've been through).

There's a book by Lindsay C Gibson called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents which I've found very helpful in making sense of my relationship with my parents. Plus, googling things like trauma bonding and gaslighting has been pretty enlightening for me too.

DDIJ · 03/07/2021 16:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

StillCalmX · 03/07/2021 16:15

Wow, so many parallels in the stories.

At the moment, my brother and dad are not talking to me because i have not backed down. My mum hurt me. I told her. Dad came over to tell me off for hurting mum! I defended myself and he went back to tell her i shouted at him. Their story is how i shout at them, how cold and cruel i am. My brother who has always been the logical rational one 🙄 sees everything through their eyes. My mum hurt me and the whole family is angry with me.

Im not doing anything else right now. It's painful but i cannot fix this.
I am going to protect my sense of myself though.

skodadoda · 03/07/2021 16:27

@riseandshine2021

Yanbu. It's a criminal offence to open other people's letters for a reason.
It isn’t.
o8T8o · 03/07/2021 17:25

Get out as soon as you can
this, they are trapped in an dysfunctional set up
SAVE YOURSELF

everythingbackbutyou · 03/07/2021 17:36

@LonginesPrime, @DisneyDamsel89 me three! Just divorced my narcissist exh who constantly butted heads with my dm seeing as they both wanted to occupy the centre of the universe. I've been driving myself crazy for years trying to label my dm's confusing and upsetting behaviour. Today I had the freeing realization that the behaviour doesn't necessarily need a label stamped on it - like you said, it I am entitled to feel how I do about it. I feel like even the people who grew up in the same house as me don't get it at all.

lazylump72 · 03/07/2021 18:30

OP move anything you find personal into storage and have your post diverted to collect at the post office. Less there is less "temptation " there is for her to be nosy.Also having your things away in storage says I am only here temporarily and provides you with peace of mind after this dreadful invasion of your privacy and it will keep reminding you that the path you are on to your freedom is forefront. Good luck

Imnothereforthedrama · 03/07/2021 19:06

She said "I thought it would help you out and if you can't see that then quite honestly there's something wrong with you."
Classic turning around to you , honestly you can’t argue with people like that.
She’s 100% in the wrong , I’d just calmly but firm say mum don’t open my Mail again , don’t explain or get into a argument just say I don’t want you to open my Mail firmly .

Biffbaff · 03/07/2021 19:17

I hate that absolute non-argument, hands in the air, "if you can't see that, I can't help you." it's pathetic. See it a lot in anti-vaxxer vids as they don't actually have an intelligent argument to make.

Polkij · 03/07/2021 19:30

@riseandshine2021

Yanbu. It's a criminal offence to open other people's letters for a reason.
It isn’t a criminal offence to open mail.
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