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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

advice RE child neglect

35 replies

hilsay · 03/07/2021 10:14

I am really worried about my children when they are with the Ex.

They are telling me things that have increasingly got worse. Mainly markers for neglect like not being fed consistently and listening to adults screaming at each other and one being thrown out the house etc. I think the ex is on drugs or at least abusing alcohol too.

There are other things and I am genuinely worried.

If I report this to social services what will happen?

OP posts:
Allllchange · 03/07/2021 10:18

You need to either stop contact, or if it is court ordered go back to court to try and stop it. Even if social workers are involved they have no powers to stop contact and it would take longer.

Original poster
hilsay · 03/07/2021 10:22

Thank you

There's no court order. If I stop contact I suspect he would just turn up at school and take them. He was emotionally abusive and this will be war on his side Sad

OP posts:
Confiscatedfidgetspinner · 03/07/2021 10:28

I would contact social services and inform school- they will be powerless to stop him taking them though. Social services will investigate- although I suspect they won’t find much- he’s probably unlikely to be under the influence when they visit. This is just from hearsay from distant members of my husband’s family- apparently they make an appointment to visit now. My understanding was that they used to just appear on your doorstep.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/07/2021 10:30

Your duty is to protect your dc. Please contact social services. Good luck

TigersandTeddybears · 03/07/2021 10:33

You can get an emergency court order in place so that he can't just collect them from school. I would look into your options legally

updownroundandround · 03/07/2021 11:35

@hilsay

You need to tell either your HV or your school nurse if they are all in school. They can refer you on to social services and can give you advice now about what steps to take.

If you call the school, you can get the phone number for the school nurse.

danni0509 · 03/07/2021 11:39

I would speak to school, phone and ask for safeguarding lead / head / or maybe start with class teacher and she will pass on to relevant staff member.

Tell them ASAP so they can start a paper trail and they can advise which route to go down.

updownroundandround · 03/07/2021 11:39

@hilsay

Do it now, today. Once the school holidays have begun, you won't be able to contact them.

You can contact social services yourself and tell them you fear for the safety of your children while they are in your Ex's care.
Again, the fact that you are trying to protect your DC's safety will mean it is taken seriously.

Eviethyme · 03/07/2021 12:08

Yeah I'd ring social services to be in the safe side

Original poster
hilsay · 03/07/2021 14:09

Thank you all.

I will contact the school. I'm concerned about what social services will do - I'm a bit concerned about his reaction with me and whether he would take it out on the kids.

Would he know it was me? Or would they tell him it was school?

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 03/07/2021 14:13

Please stop the contact and go through courts. The only reason why social services did not take my children from me was because I'd stopped contact after an incident with his 'step children'. If you tell school your concerns, they will likely hold off on him taking the children and call you first

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/07/2021 14:13

Social services won't do anything. I'm afraid it's up to you to stop contact if you're worried about their safety. Nobody else can make this decision on your behalf.

Original poster
hilsay · 03/07/2021 14:50

If I stop contact and tell school would they then not let him collect them?

He will likely call the police or try anything he could to get them back as we do 50/50 care. Without a court order how do I stop the police involvement?

One is a teenager so I would have to tell him not to go there. The other two are primary aged.

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/07/2021 14:55

The school cannot refuse to hand them over to him without a court order specifying that they live with you.
If you do this you will have to be prepared to go to court if he removes them from school.

WombatStewForTea · 03/07/2021 14:55

If I stop contact and tell school would they then not let him collect them?

If he has parental responsibility then no school can't stop him.

WombatStewForTea · 03/07/2021 14:56

*unless there's a court order

Original poster
hilsay · 03/07/2021 14:57

Ok thanks

So even if I stop contact. He can just turn up at school and take them back. He won't just let me stop contact - he will take them back.

So the only way is to start going to court and that could take a while I guess?

OP posts:
AnneTwackie · 03/07/2021 15:00

I’m so sorry I’ve been in your position and it’s horrible feeling helpless. I reported it to social services but don’t think it was ever investigated, we had a court order but I had to stop contact every time he broke it and I had to pretty much start the process again. I hope you have more luck.
What I did find helpful and reassuring to both me and my children was teaching them what to do if they were worried or scared I.e call 999, call mummy, tell nana on dad’s side, not to try and intervene when adults argue go to another room, always always tell mummy (and I’d write down what they said with dates) and tell them secrets are bad. obviously this all depends on the age of your kids but it’s good advice anyway.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 03/07/2021 15:05

You need to stop contact then go to court. He may take them in the meantime. It's going to be a fight.
How bad is it? Can the teenager be relied on to mitigate some of the neglect? Sometimes it's better to be pragmatic than to set a bomb under your lives.

Cowbells · 03/07/2021 15:09

Can you at least pack them some healthy snacks they can conceal and eat when they need food if it isn't provided.

I also agree with @AnneTwackie. Make sure they have a cheap charged mobile phone with some credit on it and your number on speed dial so they can call you if they get scared.

RedHelenB · 03/07/2021 15:12

How old are the children?

Deathgrip · 03/07/2021 15:15

So sorry this is happening OP. It’s so difficult and such a high bar to protect your kids in this situation.

You definitely need some legal advice - I wonder whether there are any charities who might be able to support you in accessing this.

bounce89 · 03/07/2021 15:20

First step is to inform school and ask if they think it warrants you calling social services, note down and date everything the dc tell you that is concerning and apply to the court for an emergency order, they will probably involve social services and request a section 7 report. If you report to social services they will probably do one of these anyway.
If the school are aware then they will support you and the children and it's always best if the child has discussed it with an adult from school as that stands better as evidence rather than your ex saying your lying.

chunkymonkey101 · 03/07/2021 15:43

I am a senior leader in school and we are well versed in these situations. Whilst we cannot stop them from collecting children we can call you and delay pick up when necessary- lost PE kit etc. Speak to the school.

Darkstar4855 · 03/07/2021 15:49

You can get an emergency court order if there is a safety risk to your children. Speak to social services/local safeguarding team. If you know they might be at risk and you don’t act, it could count against you.