Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws

34 replies

Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:17

In the past I've had a real difficult time with the in- laws, lots has gone on and as a result I've no confidence and really hit rock bottom with it all, comments on my weight, not respecting my wishes, ruining special occasions if I didn't do what they wanted, When I tried to get everyone together not one of them was interested in getting together until it was a birthday or they wanted to, one of them told me I wasn't family etc left off watapp family groups etc

My aibu is partner thinks that in the future I will attend their family get togethers, in my head I'm done with them cba anymore and don't see myself going to anything, I feel so awkward around them! Have chest pains stress migraines etc! Aibu to not go to anything again ? To still carry on a relationship with partner and still not go to anything ? They don't even text to see how dd is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:33

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/07/2021 21:35

No you are not being unreasonable to never go to one of their family "do's" again. It's your partner's family so let him do all the running about, buying birthday/Xmas cards & presents. If they can't be civil to you as their son/brother's partner then seriously make no effort.
You need to spell this out to him. They have been extremely unpleasant so you do not want any more to do with them. And stick to it! Keep repeating as necessary.
Did you send my mum/dad/sis a birthday card?
You (calmly, factually) - No, I told you I wouldn't have any more to do with them. Your family have been awful to me. I will not visit or do any of the getting stuff for them. It is up to you.
On Repeat. He will get it eventually. Don't be antzy with him (even though he should have had words with them). Stay calm, no insults (well your sis is an absolute $%^&£ because she said xyz etc), just state your piece and carry on with what you were doing.

Good luck, and look forward to less stress migraines. Really not worth it.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:36

Thank you @CoffeeBeansGalore I know his mum will expect me to go a see her new house and I really don't want to like literally the last thing I want to do, but I know they will start over it x

OP posts:
tallduckandhandsome · 02/07/2021 21:39

No, don’t go anymore and if DH expects you to then ask him why he is enabling their shitty behaviour.

User112 · 02/07/2021 21:42

Are you me OP?
I’ve given up on my inlaws for the same reasons. I don’t talk to them or attend any events. I don’t trust them so my kids are out of the picture too.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:43

@User112 what does your husband say about the kids not doing ? My partner doesn't like it if I don't let dd go ( which i don't ) as I don't trust them either xx

OP posts:
User112 · 02/07/2021 21:44

Your partner must be backing you on this 100%
When they make a scene (they will), he should be talking on YOUR behalf and telling them how horrible they’ve been to you.

Iwonder08 · 02/07/2021 21:45

You don't have to be around people who are consistently rude and disrespectful to you. I would expect your DH to at least acknowledge their behaviour. Good DH would pick them up on that and wouldn't let them treat you like that.

WafflesOrIceCream · 02/07/2021 21:45

My god no!!!His family,let him deal with them and keep contact with them.If it was your family doing that to him,would he carry on as normal and buy them gifts etc?No!Stand your ground and keep your distance.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:47

He doesn't back me he keeps saying in the future I'll go to things, I'm Adament I will defo not be x

OP posts:
Shitapillar · 02/07/2021 21:47

Why are you with someone who allows their family to treat you this way? And expects you to carry on accepting their poor behaviour. You may want to think about your relationship, because someone who is your partner or DH, should always have your back.

User112 · 02/07/2021 21:48

I had to fight huge battles. In the initial years of cutting contact, DH took the twins there. Luckily we moved abroad so it kind of helped with limiting contact.
Can you meet your partner half way? That’s - significantly reduced contact between inlaws the kids rather than zero?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/07/2021 21:50

If you are not seeing them, it doesn't matter! Let your partner get it in the neck instead.
My MiL was an absolute cow once she realised I wouldn't agree with everything she said. I was very young when I met dh & I think she thought we wouldn't last & I wouldn't have my own opinion as I was quite quiet. I was always polite. She wasn't. And I dared to marry her baby boy!
In the end I refused to go round. He didn't think I was serious when I finally snapped and said enough was enough. Next time it was, come on then we're going to mum's. I said fine, see you later. He looked & said Oh, you meant it? Yes, have fun. Bye kids.
Dh still took the kids & I enjoyed a few hours peace every couple of weeks.
Life was less stressful for me. MiL started on about me once & he told her if she wanted him to choose there would be no choice, I was his wife, his choice, and that was it. She mainly shut up after that.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:53

Mil comes here to see dd weekly, I am here to as dp says it's rude if I go out whilst she's here, but the others don't bother but I know she'll put me on the spot and ask me why I won't go to things ! I haven't given her my number because she would constantly text and say her family is falling apart because I didn't go to things xx

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 02/07/2021 21:57

She's not bothered about being rude to you. If she comes over then dp deals with her. Go out, or have a long soak in the bath when she's due, or be on the phone in the bedroom. Better yet, get dp to take dc to her house & stop the visits. Thankfully MiL didn't drive & we lived 30 miles away. Although she had a queen bee mentality & expected everyone to visit her.

Lemonmelonsun · 02/07/2021 21:57

Op it's awful that your partner is telling you what to do!!

How dare he Angry

How dare he ask you to take absolutely awful behaviour from his family and feel unhappy.

Op it's not on at all...

And one reason people keep it going, keep subjecting themselves to this awful behaviour is because they are afraid of the aggressors kicking off!!...

Be brave op, no more..

Lemonmelonsun · 02/07/2021 21:57

PS what about the your own family??

CommanderBurnham · 02/07/2021 22:18

Ok so my In laws used to be like this but it's all about appearances and all very passive aggressive. I'm minimal contact and I've done it really gradually without them noticing. Kind of weaned them off.

So initially got a hobby/job on the regular times that we saw them so DH went on his own.

Then stopped communicating directly. Any direct question was answered with let me see what DH says, or I'll let you know. Just gently fobbing off, basically making it so that they'd rather speak to DH than me.

When I do visit, I totally disassociate emotionally. Say minimal, smile and shrug, give practical help and then leave.

It's taken about 5 years and although it's a shame that I don't have a relationship with them I'm so much happier and our marriage is better for it.

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 22:41

Thank you for your replies

I am very set and adamant that I no longer wish to do stuff with them, if they want to visit I won't say no but that's as far as it goes from me, I don't think my partner will be okay with this especially as I don't let dd go without me as I don't trust them ( only mil and fil know dd anyway ) I just need to learn to say no and be okay with my feelings on it and not care what they think x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2021 22:50

You don’t have to have them in your house, especially not once a bloody week. If you really don’t trust them then keep DD away from too, but if you don’t mind them having some contact then your partner can arrange to see them and take DD elsewhere. See how often he can be bothered without you there to host it, I doubt it’s weekly.

Read Toxic Inlaws. And stand your ground, you’re doing the right thing. You owe it to yourself to protect your mental health and your spare time! You’re being brave, keep strong.

BackforGood · 02/07/2021 23:05

So in the OP you are complaining they don't even text you, and in your 6th post you say you "won't give her your number as she would constantly text"
Confused

I suspect this is one of those threads that would be interesting to hear the other side of the story.

not respecting my wishes, ruining special occasions if I didn't do what they wanted, When I tried to get everyone together not one of them was interested in getting together until it was a birthday or they wanted to, one of them told me I wasn't family etc left off watapp family groups etc

  • without knowing what "your wishes" are / were.....
  • re not getting together - again, difficult to comment on without more information....maybe it wasn't a convenient date or an 'event' they wanted to go to etc. Of course, maybe they were being unwelcoming, but we can't tell from this.
  • WhatApp groups - that isn't strange or unusual. We have all sorts of different WhatsApp groups, including the 'house family. None of my dc have invited their partners into it.
Maggiesfarm · 02/07/2021 23:29

How do you feel about your own parents/family, if you have any? We sometimes put up with things from our own which irritate coming from in laws.

You say you don't trust them with your daughter. What are they likely to do that will put her in danger?

Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 03/07/2021 05:43

@BackforGood they all have me on messenger!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 03/07/2021 05:45

@BackforGood I changed my number and didn't give it to them because of how things had been, when I said I was left off the groups his brother made a group named family added everyone but me including the other brothers partners xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymhairdontcare · 03/07/2021 05:46

@Maggiesfarm very close to my own family they've been so supportive and loving, xx

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread