Have you ever felt like you don't belong in the family when spoken to like this?

[soul83]

I'm referring to my wife who can get very mean spirited and abusive. I can come home from work and if I mutter a negative word or some compmaint, she will come at me calling me dumb and yelling and throwing things to the floor. I then immediately feel like I am the one who instigated the trouble and don't belong in the family. Especially as she will also belittle my earnings in the same rant.

In those moments I want to leave because I feel like if I was a better man, then I would be accepted by her and wouldn't be copping it. So therefore I don't belong here because I'm causing conflict in the home just by coming home and having a voice :(

Any other men or women feel like that? Like they sometimes don't belong in their marriage or family?

BTW, I will then turn inward and immediately want to just look after myself and our 3 year old son. I hate that he witnesses some pretty terrible behaviour but I am concerned that he will see me as the trouble maker as the conflict starts when I get home sometimes (not all the time). I'm also wondering if it's mental illness because she can't handle any form of criticism or hear anyone complaining - no matter who they are...

if I mutter a negative word or some compmaint
About her? Or something else

Her behaviour isn't acceptable no.

If I remember correctly you posted before and gt some good advice. You and your son really need to be out of this situation and it sounds like she needs some help.

Why do you come home muttering and complaining? Are you the sort of person who walks in, ignores everything that's been done and scrutinises the place and people for something to find fault with?

Why not try coming home with a smile, a cheerful hello, and a look around for something to praise or something that needs doing that you can pitch in and do? Or just give your child a hug to let him know he's loved instead of muttering darkly at his mother?

That might make a huge difference.

@NewlyGranny

Why do you come home muttering and complaining? Are you the sort of person who walks in, ignores everything that's been done and scrutinises the place and people for something to find fault with?

Why not try coming home with a smile, a cheerful hello, and a look around for something to praise or something that needs doing that you can pitch in and do? Or just give your child a hug to let him know he's loved instead of muttering darkly at his mother?

That might make a huge difference.

Or maybe his wife could just stop being abusive to him....

@NewlyGranny

Why do you come home muttering and complaining? Are you the sort of person who walks in, ignores everything that's been done and scrutinises the place and people for something to find fault with?

Why not try coming home with a smile, a cheerful hello, and a look around for something to praise or something that needs doing that you can pitch in and do? Or just give your child a hug to let him know he's loved instead of muttering darkly at his mother?

That might make a huge difference.

That's a fair point. I simply said the word "b...s..." under my breath when I seen the new painting set I bought had been opened and my son had wrecked some of it because he is left unsupervised with it. That was all it took. I was otherwise fine and about to grab a shower and then settle my son and thank her for cleaning up some of the home (actually it is often trashed by the time I get home and I am the one who spends by far the majority of the time cleaning after them both!)...

Instead I was met with yelling at me, throwing stuff to the floor and being called dumb. All after midnight...

Despite this, I was then asked to read paperwork and fill in questionnaires for her mortgage broker course because "her English is no good and she will translate it to Chinese later"... I already warned her that if she stuffs anything up by not reading the material, the stakes will he very high including gaol time and losing all our assets, so she better read the material and understand her legal obligations in becoming a broker. She is already a real estate agent but wants to help her clients secure the loans and get the commission from that too.

She earns significantly more than I do but my regular wages are actually very good for the job I do. Plus they're regular and pay for the majority of the living expenses and bills. So I do contribute.

I will say that when I'm called useless or dumb, it does affect me a bit and makes me feel like I will always be doing things to support her and that I shouldn't go back to nursing or try to better myself in any other pursuit because I'm not smart enough (although deep down I know I am more than capable enough of achieving things that I put my mind towards). I also think that I will spend the rest of my life just working and cleaning the home. Doing things to enable her whilst she rests and then copping a verbal hit every now and then.

I honestly was so annoyed that I wanted to walk right back out of the house and just go to sleep in the car (we are under covid lockdown so I can't go anywhere - not even the 1hr drive to my parents' home).

@NewlyGranny

Why do you come home muttering and complaining? Are you the sort of person who walks in, ignores everything that's been done and scrutinises the place and people for something to find fault with?

Why not try coming home with a smile, a cheerful hello, and a look around for something to praise or something that needs doing that you can pitch in and do? Or just give your child a hug to let him know he's loved instead of muttering darkly at his mother?

That might make a huge difference.

WTAF 🤣😂

You'd be better off without that around your child. You could leave and stop your son witnessing all that. Sorry op

This is emotional abuse. I am not aware of who you can call for support but is there anyone close that you can reach out to?

I would not accept my husband speaking to
me this way. I consider this emotional abuse, and many tend to underestimate how much men are victims of abusive relationships as well.

You need to find a way to perhaps reach out for help and explore your options. This isn’t normal for your spouse to speak to you this way. Throwing things and yelling .. your son doesn’t need to see this.

Your wife is displaying abusive behaviour and I would suggest that you call a helpline for some more professional advice than you'll get off here.

You think your wife is abusive to the extent that you can't cope with her behaviour but think your 3 year old is fine? You wanted to sleep in your car, not wanted to take a 3 year old out of the situation? Why are you ok to leave your son with someone you think is abusive?

You are also inconsistent saying she earns significantly more than you but then saying you pay the majority but then saying you contribute

It is not clear what the spilt between childcare and income is. Berating and throwing things is never right. There should be mutual respect. But there is a difference between justified anger and abuse.

@KOKOagainandagain

You are also inconsistent saying she earns significantly more than you but then saying you pay the majority but then saying you contribute

It is not clear what the spilt between childcare and income is. Berating and throwing things is never right. There should be mutual respect. But there is a difference between justified anger and abuse.

I never disclosed so much. Actually she has placed the majority of her earnings into acquiring 4 apartments that she rents out to pay the mortgage on them. And she pays the daycare fees for him to attend full time childcare. I pick up the mortgage on our primary place of residence (only her initial deposit is her interest in this property and my contributions have been significantly more if you look at the past 5 years). My other payments include all the day to day bills and food, clothing etc for myself and our son. She uses some of the food I buy but also buys her own Chinese food.

I have spent a fair bit of my income on items for the home. She has also pitched in for all the plants needed for the garden and some of the furniture too.

So I guess on paper it looks like she has contributed more because of her income being a lot more than mine. But that income has gone to properties in her name only. I know that wouldn't matter in divorce though because all assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage get split.

Someone mentioned not leaving my son with her but she is calm and treats him very well. Her anger is always directed at me. It always intensifies around that time of the month (please don't criticise that because it is very true for her) and sometimes I think it's easier to stay away when she is going through those moods because even simple discussions around finance or asking me to fix something results in her raising her voice unnecessarily. I've often told her to be quiet because I don't want the neighbours to hear our personal affairs 🤔

I should add that we sleep in separate rooms with separate bathrooms. She likes the bed in the ensuite room but it's too hard for my back. So I've stuck with the smaller bed and co sleeping with my son on our bed in the original room.

I used to wonder if I have Aspergers or something like that for continuing to let this setup keep going. I've forgotten what a healthy relationship feels like. For almost a decade I've watched things go up and down with us. Can't even remember the last time I kissed a woman. It was her in my late 20s. Almost 9 years ago now. We met in 2009 and the first 2 years were good. Then after we married she got jealous and thought I was cheating on her and promised to never kiss me again. So that's gone too. Shame because a few days ago I was wondering what it feels like to just go up and hug her but I refrained from doing so in case she reacted with disgust or something :(

And yet you have a 3 year old son?

I query Asoergers because I often take a lot of what people say to heart and internalise it. Sometimes my colleagues say they are joking and I want to say to them I understand that and they don't get my humour or off handed reaction to them. But I'm actually pretty easy going. Counsellors have told me in the past that I don't have Aspergers but my parents are convinced that I do. I can't afford the expensive diagnosis with a proper psychologist service specialising in Aspergers. I have just taken the informal tests online that have always indicated I'm just neurological. But I'm not sure. Maybe it would point to why my wife is so reactive and why things are the way they are.

And yet you have a 3 year old son?

What's that supposed to mean?

@KOKOagainandagain

And yet you have a 3 year old son?

Do you really want to question how that came about? Actually it was only the beginning of this year that she moved into the spare room after her father got permission to leave during the covid lockdown (he is from China and got stuck here longer than he wanted anyway) he helped with childcare.

For years she would sleep head to toe with our son on his own bed next to us.

Now she wants to try for another child which entails going to her room for the deed and then coming back to my own room for sleep...maybe it's a sign then when I found out I could now be infertile. I did a test that revealed 0% morphology. Not sure why. It was low before but the new test indicates I could actually be infertile at the age of 37 which is a huge worry for me. I'm hoping the new test in a different lab will reveal different results to that.

I have put on a lot of weight and I started dieting and I'm seeing it slowly come off. Later I will purchase an exercise bike to help since gyms are out of the question with the delta covid strain in the community.

I really don't think it's a good idea to have another child

Why do you want another child with someone who yells at you?

The comment about coming home to a mess kind of irritated me. It's very difficult to clear up when you have a young child getting into everything. You just don't have time to clear the bomb site up. So I think you're being unreasonable there.

Horehound yes it irritated me. It doesn't excuse the abuse you are getting OP but coming home and picking up on the mess wasn't the nicest thing to do.

Don't put up with the abuse

@MouldyPotato

Horehound yes it irritated me. It doesn't excuse the abuse you are getting OP but coming home and picking up on the mess wasn't the nicest thing to do.

True. I usually don't say anything and just clean it. I didn't say anything about the mess to her. Just was annoyed that the new painting set I bought my son had been opened and he had broken some of the brushes. I had planned for him to use them this weekend.

Actually my wife usually doesn't do much to clean the home. I know I'll cop some flack for that but she sleeps until after midday and then works a few hours at home or in the office for her job.

When I'm at home to look after my son after daycare, I still make time to cook, clean, spend time with him, eat together, bathe him and put him to bed. I just learned how to more efficiently multi task and that includes washing clothes and pegging them out. Majority of the time in night shift duty as I work every second week night shift.

Eg. Come home and either sleep straight away or drop my son to daycare first. If I'm extra tired, I won't drop him and my wife will drop him off when she gets up around midday. She says he rolls around a lot and she gets little sleep so she is too tired to get up early. Actually she stays awake too late as well. In the evening i will wake around 5 or 5:30 to collect my son before 6. Then spend the evening with him. If my wife is feeling consideration, she will be home by 10 so I have enough time to get to work. Otherwise I'll be rushing to get there and being late or last minute to relieve my colleagues. I work alone overnight. I've had to take my son to work to sleep a couple of times too...

I gave up nursing because I simply didn't have the support or time for it. It's on hold for the remainder of this year. I get yelled btw for being lazy when the home gets messy. Also get called dumb, idiot, useless and loser when she is mad :(

Actually these past couple of days I've been on 2:30-11 shift getting home around midnight. Thursday night my son hardly slept. Very restless and growing pains. I got only 4 hours broken sleep. Didn't stop me from cleaning, doing business, dropping my son and working in the afternoon. Got home to get settled and then from 1am-3am I worked on her course to pass it...so I can't be that "dumb". I slept at 5am and it's now 10am and we just woke up. I will make use of the day! Lots to clean up and some cooking for this evening. Some kombucha brews ready for the next stage and I have to go out to the shop too. Avoiding most places now and getting deliveries but the brew shop doesn't deliver new scoby's.

She sounds nuts.