Never met my dad issue.

[KB921]

Posting here for traffic. I'm 30, never known my dad. He's local, I know his name, what he looks like etc. walked by him a few times I think. He's married with kids locally.

Anyway, a few years ago I messaged him on Facebook. I didn't say I wanted to meet him in the message but I guess I've always wanted to meet him one day.

I sent the fb message several years ago. He had read it within 5 minutes (think it was before message requests were a thing). But he didn't reply for days. He replied to say sorry for the delay in replying but he had to pluck up the courage to speak to his wife and they don't think it's the best time to meet me and it was disrupt their kids (teens at the time and said one was doing GCSEs I believe). He then went onto say he wouldn't rule out meeting me in the future. I got the vibes that it was his wife making that decision. Fair enough they are married and need to speak about it.

I replied and informed him that I didn't even suggest meeting in my message. I just wanted answers. He then replied saying he knew I was always okay as had 'contacts' and wished me the best of luck. I didn't reply again. I left it at that. Deleted the messages and moved on.

So yeah. Several years have gone by. Absolutely no more contact but I did walk past him recently. Not sure if he recognised me or just looked straight on. I was exiting a shop and he was walking in at the same time.

Do you think he just doesn't to meet me? Or is he waiting for me to contact him?

It's on my mind today because I had a dream that I Facebook messaged him again and I woke up this morning feeling weird about it.

Would you just accept it's time to move on and never meet him or try again?

I don't make it obvious to my family or friends but deep down I did always want to meet him. I've accepted it'll never be a dad/daughter relationship. I couldn't get over missing so much time. But I would like contact and to chat about it maybe.

Anyone else been through this??

Sorry to sound harsh but no I don’t think he wants to meet you otherwise he would have contacted you again? Also don’t think it’s fair to blame his partner. Women always seem to be the ones blamed in these situations!

To add to op, he's always known about me. My mum and him were getting married but he cheated and got another woman pregnant! I'm unsure how long his wife has known about me for. I was told by one person she didn't know about me at all for years then told by another she knew about my from when they met (when I was small) and met me once at the park with him . I say I never met him but he seen me a couple times at the park when I was 2 /3 apparently! I obviously have no memory of that. But weirdly my mum remembers him meeting me at the park but not her being there. It's all very odd. The wife is not the woman he got pregnant when he cheated. He seen that child, just not me. He's for another love child too somewhere apparently!

@PumpkinKlNG

Sorry to sound harsh but no I don’t think he wants to meet you otherwise he would have contacted you again? Also don’t think it’s fair to blame his partner. Women always seem to be the ones blamed in these situations!

I haven't blamed her? I was just explaining how he stated he had to talk to his wife!

I got the vibes that it was his wife making that decision. Fair enough they are married and need to speak about it.

I was referring to this comment!

Sounds like an absolute waste of oxygen. I don’t understand why you’d want to meet him. He clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

Would he be able to contact you if he wanted to, i.e. same accounts you used before? If so, I would leave it as he could contact you if he wanted to and the ball is in his court.

@oprahwindfuryy

Sounds like an absolute waste of oxygen. I don’t understand why you’d want to meet him. He clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

I know, you are totally right. I don't feel I want a relationship but I would just like answers. Sucks when he lives so close! Mutual friends etc. He's a business guy, popular, does a lot for the community etc! Yet has at least 2 kids he doesn't see! 😒

I understand where you are coming from and its the lack of a clear unambiguous message that is stopping you from getting closure.

Personally, I would message him and ask if he would be willing to meet for a coffee (neutral location) and take it from there. If he says no, that's your closure....

you have nothing to lose from asking....

@PumpkinKlNG

I got the vibes that it was his wife making that decision. Fair enough they are married and need to speak about it.

I was referring to this comment!

I really didn't intend for it to sound like I thought it was her fault. It's not! I was just setting the scene. He just talked about his wife and how he had to speak to her and she felt it was upset her kids, fair enough. He could have worded it a little better that's all! If anything he was shifting the blame onto her, not me. I just felt like talking about his wife so much in the message (we exchanged about 3-4 messages I believe) and it was all about her! Just felt it was odd that's all 💕

@Aprilx

Would he be able to contact you if he wanted to, i.e. same accounts you used before? If so, I would leave it as he could contact you if he wanted to and the ball is in his court.

Yeah same account. We even have mutual friends on fb...

OP, he's a bastard.

You've been more than decent, polite etc.

In your position, I would definitely write him off as a lost cause. Even if his kids were doing GCSEs etc, how would that prevent him having a coffee with you? He sounds like a flaky fibber who just makes excuses for an easy life.

Some of us just have parents who don't care about us. My father doesn't care about me and my siblings, not even remotely. One of my siblings really struggles to accept this and keeps trying to get him to care. But he doesn't. Me and my sibling who accept that he doesn't care are better off - we have a nice mum who did everything for us and we get on with out own lives. You absolutely cannot make someone care about you, no matter how much of a good person you are, no matter how decent, generous, kind or whatever. Some people are shits, your father is one.

@Mrscaptainraymondholt

I understand where you are coming from and its the lack of a clear unambiguous message that is stopping you from getting closure.

Personally, I would message him and ask if he would be willing to meet for a coffee (neutral location) and take it from there. If he says no, that's your closure....

you have nothing to lose from asking....

I wish he just said no I'm not interested rather than yeah maybe one day but not right now kinda thing! If I asked I would feel like an idiot tbh! I hate the feeling of annoying anyone!

what a PRICK ...

you sound lovely OP.. you gave him a chance and he failed miserably..

I wouldn't waste any more time on this Loser..

enjoy those around you who truly cherish you.. 🌸

As awful as it is to accept, I don’t think he wants anything to do with you because if he did he’d make the effort to contact you. I was close to my Dad growing up but he suddenly cut me off when I was about 19. No idea why, I’ve tried to push for answers a fair few times and also tried to reinstate some sort of relationship with him but he isn’t interested. I’ve had to accept this and move on.

Sometimes you don’t get the answers you want, you need to make peace with this somehow (counselling has helped me immeasurably) and move forwards.

Sorry OP he just isn't interested and doesn't want to know. I'd just move on. He doesn't want to discuss it with you.
Mine has never contacted me and I know from contacts would prefer I didn't exist. I'm 60 and I let him go a long time ago.
There is going to be no fairytale ending for either of us.

@aiwblam

OP, he's a bastard.

You've been more than decent, polite etc.

In your position, I would definitely write him off as a lost cause. Even if his kids were doing GCSEs etc, how would that prevent him having a coffee with you? He sounds like a flaky fibber who just makes excuses for an easy life.

Some of us just have parents who don't care about us. My father doesn't care about me and my siblings, not even remotely. One of my siblings really struggles to accept this and keeps trying to get him to care. But he doesn't. Me and my sibling who accept that he doesn't care are better off - we have a nice mum who did everything for us and we get on with out own lives. You absolutely cannot make someone care about you, no matter how much of a good person you are, no matter how decent, generous, kind or whatever. Some people are shits, your father is one.

Thank you. Absolutely. I wasn't asking to Turn up at their house or anything. Tbf I could probably find their address easy enough but that's just not me, I couldn't do that. If we met for a coffee, his kids wouldn't even have to know! I've never wanted the whole dad thing with him (way too late in my eyes) . Just a conversation!

Sorry you've been through similar. It really does suck. My own son is going through similar. But he's had a relationship with his dad and all of a sudden he is not so that's worse as he's known his dad and now it's non existent.

I can't miss what I never had...

It's just bizarre to me how he's ended up having kids with his wife. He's probably a great dad to them - which is great but what about your other kids? Baffling!

To be honest. I've not thought about it for a while. But the dream last night has set me off!

Thanks all 💗

It sounds like this is going to bother you until you know for sure, so I'd take the bull by the horns and message him an ask to meet. Keep your expectations low though - he may not want to meet up and even if he does there are several things in your post that suggest he may not turn out to be dad of the year. If he makes excuses and says "maybe later" to meeting up id just reply making it clear that youd like to meet him but you aren't going to chase him so won't contact him again, and that if he would like to meet you in the future you would welcome that but he would need to contact you.

Thank you. I've totally accepted that I am never going to have a dad. Even if met him it just can't happen. I craved it when I was younger but it's way too late for that. I would just like to chat one day.

In a bizarre twist I know my half sibling from the woman he got pregnant whilst with my mum. Although she sees him from time to time. Our mums were both hurt badly by the same guy so they decided that we should know we are half siblings as we are very close in age (weeks age difference 😩). We don't have a sibling relationship at all - more like friends. Because of this she's told odd bits about our dad hence why I know a few things about him. It's bizarre how she's had somewhat of a relationship and I haven't though.. she never seen him that much. It was never a weekly thing. Maybe once every few months growing up but me not at all.

There is also another older child he had a teenager supposedly. But wouldn't even know if they are a male or female.. or where they live, age etc!

I replied and informed him that I didn't even suggest meeting in my message. I just wanted answers ... I didn't reply again

If I was him I'd take this as implying that your choice is not to meet or continue contact. That would clearly be the easiest interpretation for him too.

You are entitled to change your mind and for your feelings to change over time (as is he). I'd message him again and let him know that you're at a stage in life that you'd like to find out a bit more about him although you wouldn't want to make things difficult for him or his family (code for not expecting a father-daughter relationship).

Ask if he'd be prepared to chat over email and answer a few questions. You could start with some 'tame' questions like family origins etc Ask if he'd like to know anything about you are your ds. Then perhaps work towards a coffee with him and his wife if it seems like a good idea.

If you saw him on the street again, would you feel able to ask him if he knows who you are ?

it doesn't sound as if you'd get a great deal from it if you did meet - and would feel let down by another refusal to engage.
send him a box of condoms and move on?

@Haffdonga you are right. I didn't mentioned meeting him in the first email but it annoyed me how he assumed, took days to reply then said he had to speak to his wife and he couldn't meet at the time even though I had never asked to meet at first. I retaliated by saying I never said in my email I wanted to meet anyway. Tbf I'm not sure if I did at the time. I had a fallen out with my mum and I was feeling lost about it all. I just wanted answers - that's all I want now. My mum never talked about it at all!

I'm hoping to pluck up the courage one day!

@Sunnyday321

If you saw him on the street again, would you feel able to ask him if he knows who you are ?

No. Absolutely not! I lack confidence in general and I'd probably stumble over my words and run away 😂 I look exactly like my half sister so it wouldn't be hard for him to work out for himself.