Never met my dad issue.

[KB921]

Posting here for traffic. I'm 30, never known my dad. He's local, I know his name, what he looks like etc. walked by him a few times I think. He's married with kids locally.

Anyway, a few years ago I messaged him on Facebook. I didn't say I wanted to meet him in the message but I guess I've always wanted to meet him one day.

I sent the fb message several years ago. He had read it within 5 minutes (think it was before message requests were a thing). But he didn't reply for days. He replied to say sorry for the delay in replying but he had to pluck up the courage to speak to his wife and they don't think it's the best time to meet me and it was disrupt their kids (teens at the time and said one was doing GCSEs I believe). He then went onto say he wouldn't rule out meeting me in the future. I got the vibes that it was his wife making that decision. Fair enough they are married and need to speak about it.

I replied and informed him that I didn't even suggest meeting in my message. I just wanted answers. He then replied saying he knew I was always okay as had 'contacts' and wished me the best of luck. I didn't reply again. I left it at that. Deleted the messages and moved on.

So yeah. Several years have gone by. Absolutely no more contact but I did walk past him recently. Not sure if he recognised me or just looked straight on. I was exiting a shop and he was walking in at the same time.

Do you think he just doesn't to meet me? Or is he waiting for me to contact him?

It's on my mind today because I had a dream that I Facebook messaged him again and I woke up this morning feeling weird about it.

Would you just accept it's time to move on and never meet him or try again?

I don't make it obvious to my family or friends but deep down I did always want to meet him. I've accepted it'll never be a dad/daughter relationship. I couldn't get over missing so much time. But I would like contact and to chat about it maybe.

Anyone else been through this??

@ThinWomansBrain

it doesn't sound as if you'd get a great deal from it if you did meet - and would feel let down by another refusal to engage. send him a box of condoms and move on?

Condoms are a great idea! There's probably tons of secret kids out there somewhere he has 😂

I'm guessing he didn't pay maintenance to your mother either to help you both financially.

One day his kids will find out about their dads wandering penis;he may have well had affairs behind his wife's back too.

I'm guessing he doesn't want to admit his has skeletons in his closure to people through fear of being judged although frankly he deserves it.

Stop referring to him as your father;he doesn't deserve that title and it would seem given he's such a dickhead he's not worth having in your life anyway.

@thenewduchessofhastings

I'm guessing he didn't pay maintenance to your mother either to help you both financially.

One day his kids will find out about their dads wandering penis;he may have well had affairs behind his wife's back too.

I'm guessing he doesn't want to admit his has skeletons in his closure to people through fear of being judged although frankly he deserves it.

Stop referring to him as your father;he doesn't deserve that title and it would seem given he's such a dickhead he's not worth having in your life anyway.

Thanks. No, nothing. He's apparently not short on money either and owns a successful business (I don't think he did when he was with my mum but since then!)

I was in a similar situation to you KB921 my mother dumped me on Paddington Station when I was 6 my father did pick me up a few minutes later (it did seem ages ) I did not see her again but did contact her when I was in my 40's she wrote to me saying she wanted no contact as I was part of her life she had no wish to remember lovely woman . I found the 2nd rejection much harder. My advice forget the rat it is his loss.

Some men are serial shaggers with little regard for any children they may "father" OP. My father was the same. My parents were married but he was constantly unfaithful. She ran away with my future stepdad when I was two (took me with her). He remarried and had another family which he ignored after divorce. I have met my half sister and we both agree we have other half siblings out there! He came to see us when I was 17 and I found out many years later he died when I was 20. So I've never had a dad either. I think it's worse for you because your father is local so seeing him is a constant reminder that he doesn't care. I must admit the lack of a father has never bothered me. I had a strong mum who just got on with things and I'm similar but not as confident as her. I hope you can learn to accept the situation OP. He's the one who's missing out.

It's not as easy to move on though as some posters suggest.
Op you have said you can't miss what you never had but you absolutely can.
You are missing the dad you never had, the other half of your family, the other part of your heritage and the person who help create you and should have showed you unconditional love etc.
It's so difficult to accept that this person isn't providing this and given the opportunity still won't take it.
You are a grieving the loss of the potential relationship.
Please be so kind to yourself, he has been so cruel and by saying it might upset his kids... your his kid too!

You deserve so much more and I'm so sorry he's local too as that must make it harder

If it were me , I'd speak to him next time he passed me in the street. But I'm a bit of a dick